Page 13 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

Well, now what ?

Thad had gone to his room to call Emmy. Declan had gone to his to call Zane.

And I was alone with Kyle, Max, and Brooks.

The three of them were very different in the looks department.

They varied from hot to seriously hot. But all of them had the same intensity, an air about them that said you didn’t fuck with them or you’d end up in a world of hurt.

“Have a seat.” Kyle jerked his chin in the direction of the empty seat.

Yes, I was the only one standing in the room.

Awkward .

“I think…”

“Take a load off,” Max put in.

I tried my best not to fidget under three identical scrutinizing stares. I had no idea how to do this—whatever this was. I was fresh out of niceness, I’d used it all up when I tried to talk Thad into going home. And I was pretty damn proud of myself that I’d kept my temper in check.

But now what was I supposed to do? Sit down and shoot the shit with three men I didn’t know? And talk about what?

“Tell us about Ashaki.” My gaze went to Brooks before he continued. “What’s her deal? Why’s she so committed to her job?”

“Your man Tex didn’t tell you? He seems to know everything.”

I glanced at the chair, and before I understood what I was doing, I was moving.

Okay, maybe I could do this. Have a normal conversation with decent people. I’d spent so many years working a mark or coercing information out of the vilest, crudest assholes known to mankind, I wasn’t sure I remembered how to speak to good people.

“Nope. Not sure if Tex is holding something back or if there was nothing for him to find,” Brooks answered.

I settled back in the chair and thought about how much to tell. I wanted these men to understand Ash, trust that she was in it for the right reasons—good reasons. She was as personally invested as I was.

“When Ash was in college, her mother was taken. They reported her disappearance and nothing was done. An older woman, married, two kids, the cops thought she’d run off.”

“Why would they think that?” Brooks inquired.

“Because the neighbor reported to the police that Ash’s parents were having marital issues.

Which also meant that her dad was questioned over and over about his wife’s disappearance.

With no other options, Ash’s dad searched for his wife himself.

He was murdered. Then Ash’s older brother picked up the thread, now mourning the loss of his mother and his father and hell-bent on vengeance.

Ash’s brother Malaki faded away, submerged himself into a world he never should’ve been involved in.

It took years, but he found his mom. And when he did, he lost his shit.

Went totally Hari Kari and got himself killed.

So there Ashaki was, no family. A mother who had been taken, enslaved, abused.

A murdered father. And a brother who got himself killed by traffickers.

“Ash was smart, wicked smart, she was finishing her masters in bioengineering but she quit school and joined the FBI. Spent years there working sex crimes. Then the CIA approached and she crossed over. She’s been there ever since.”

“If Tex had found that, he would’ve shared,” Kyle said. “That would’ve shed a beacon of light on why she goes rogue. Which means he didn’t find it. So that begs the question, how well do you know Ashaki and how do you know she’s not bullshitting you?”

“Because I know her real name.”

“And that is?” Brooks looked at me expectantly.

“And that’s going to the grave with me. Ash is the only person I trust with my life.

I told you her story so you’d understand why she doesn’t follow the rules.

Her entire family is gone because a sick fuck stole her mother, doped her up, and rented her out.

Beyond that, I’m not telling you any more. ”

I felt Max’s stare boring into me so I turned and met his gaze. He didn’t bother hiding that I wasn’t his favorite person, which made me like him. It was oddly comforting knowing where I stood, no bullshit, no subterfuge. He didn’t like me and he had balls big enough to be honest about it.

Yeah, I liked Max.

I felt my lips tip into a smile and Max’s eyes narrowed. I bet many men had pissed themselves when he turned that angry scowl their way. The thought only made me smile bigger.

“Something funny?” he snapped.

“I was just thinking how much I liked you,” I told him.

“I appreciate your honesty. You don’t think much of me and you don’t give two fucks if I know.

The same way I don’t give any fucks that you don’t.

I’ve been buried in filth for so long it’s nice not to have to wade through layers of shit to find the truth. ”

Max’s face relaxed, then slowly his face broke out into a smile.

“You don’t give any fucks, huh?”

“Not a single one to be found.”

“Fresh out?”

“I was out of fucks so long ago I forgot what a fuck feels like.”

“Come again?” Declan’s angry growl came from across the room.

I watched his lips move, but I couldn’t hear the words over the raucous laughter. The longer Kyle, Brooks, and Max roared with hilarity, the deeper Declan’s frown became.

I was totally lost. I didn’t know why the guys were laughing, why Declan looked like a homicidal maniac, but mostly I didn’t understand why my stomach started to feel funny. Tiny flutters in my belly that felt like what I remembered happiness felt like.

But then the flutters faded, the guys stopped laughing, and Declan was still mad. And since I was me and had no idea how to react in a social situation with normal people, I popped off.

“Why are you pissed?”

“Probably because you don’t know what a—”

“Don’t finish that,” Declan cut off Kyle.

“Damn, brother, you packin’ light?” Brooks chuckled.

“Swear to God, I’ll beat your ass.”

“What the hell is your problem?” I asked.

“I think you bruised poor Dec’s ego,” Max told me.

“Huh? Why? I didn’t mean I like you, like you . I was just saying—”

“The. Fuck?”

All the guys busted up laughing again and I looked around in confusion.

“Y’all are fucking nuts,” I mumbled and stood.

“Speaking of fucking,” Max joked. “Dude, you misunderstood. I could try to explain it to you but it’s one of those things that wouldn’t be funny the second time around. We weren’t talking about fucking fucking , she was saying she gives zero fucks what people think about her.”

I did a quick rewind and tried to remember what Declan had heard when he walked in.

I forgot what a fuck feels like.

Oh !

Oh, shit !

“You thought I was telling them I didn’t remember what fucking feels like?”

“What the fuck?” Thad grouched.

“Sweet Christ. Not again.”

Kyle, Brooks, and Max lost their shit. They laughed so hard, Max was wiping tears from his eyes, Kyle leaned his forehead to the armrest and roared into the material, and Brooks was bending sideways holding his gut.

Declan wasn’t laughing but he was smiling. Straight out, full-blown smile that changed everything about him.

Every-damn-thing.

Sweet Jesus .

Declan was sexy as hell. But smiling, he was beautiful.

The tiny flutters from earlier turned into flurries.

Yeah, this was exactly what I remembered happiness feeling like. But accompanying it was an emotion I was well acquainted with. An emotion that clung to my skin and coated my insides—fear.

Most days fear was the only thing I had, my only friend, the one thing that kept me alive. Once it crept in and took over, the rawness of it suffocated me, then it settled in and I couldn’t breathe without it. Losing it meant complacency. Complacency meant mistakes. Mistakes meant death.

So for years, I wrestled that nasty emotion into submission and used it for my benefit. The problem was that fear stifled happiness. It smothered everything until I was left with nothing.

And now happiness was even more frightening than death.

Because I never had it, not fully, and feeling a tiny twinge of it hurt like a thousand shards of glass piercing my heart.