Page 31 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

My eyes popped open and it was dark. I had no idea what had woken me, but now I was wide awake. I could hear Declan’s slow, even breaths beside me.

After dinner, Dec cleaned up because my dad had called to check on me.

The conversation wasn’t awkward but it wasn’t natural, either.

There was still hesitation on both sides.

It would be a long time before things went back to normal—if they ever did.

But after he ascertained I was okay and with Declan, he informed me my mother had taken one look at Declan and declared him perfect for me.

My dad was still reserving his judgment, though he’d liked how protective Declan seemed to be.

Neither man had gone into extreme detail about the meeting but my dad didn’t know the half of Declan’s protectiveness.

Something I was surprised I liked. I’d been on my own for a long time.

I was in charge of me in all ways, and if I was being honest, which I seemed to be doing a lot of these days, I liked sharing the load.

I liked knowing Dec was there to take my back if I needed him.

Then my dad told me that he and my mom were staying in a hotel nearby and they were having breakfast with Thad and Emmy and of course there was an open invitation if Declan and I wanted to join them.

As gently as I could, I declined. My dad didn’t push and Declan said not one word.

He knew I needed to speak to my sister but I needed to do that in private and I still wasn’t ready.

But I did agree to meet with them at some point the next day and Dad promised he’d explain things to Emmy so her feelings weren’t hurt.

Now I was lying in bed, Declan next to me, and I was staring at the ceiling. We were not touching. He was on his side, I was on mine, and it fucking sucked so bad I wanted to scream.

These sleeping arrangements were not discussed. We’d gotten into bed, Declan had given me a toe-curling kiss, this one not as gentle as the others he’d given me, but he’d definitely held himself back. I could feel the tension in his body, not to mention his hands shook as he cupped my face.

It sucked.

Not the kiss, the kiss was out of this world.

Declan holding back sucked, and what’s more, his sleeping away from me sucked huge.

But I didn’t know what to do.

I was debating getting up to find something to occupy my thoughts. I’d rather scrub toilets than endure the torture of having him so close, yet so far away it made me ache.

“You all right, babe?” Declan’s sleep-rough voice sent chills over me.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I whispered into the dark.

“That’s not an answer, Autumn.”

Shit .

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

The bed shifted and suddenly a soft glow bathed the room. I blinked as my eyes adjusted and then Declan was up on an elbow staring down at me.

But still not touching me .

God, it sucked.

“What woke you?”

“I don’t know. But really, I’m fine. I’m sorry if I was moving around.”

A slow soft smile transformed his sleepy face and I took in a deep breath. Man, he was sexier than his normal sexy when his face was sleepy and gentle.

He leaned down and brushed his lips against mine, but before I could do anything, he pulled back. That sucked more.

“Whenever you’re ready, baby, you say the word.”

Whenever I was ready? I was ready now, dammit .

“How did you know?”

“You want the truth, or would you rather I tell you I have amazing reasoning skills?”

I narrowed my eyes and answered, “The truth.”

“Right. I knew you were disappointed when I kissed you, didn’t take it further, and put you to bed.”

“And you figured that out with your amazing reasoning skills?”

“No, baby, I figured that out because you were grinding your pussy on my thigh. My amazing reasoning skills, not to mention logical deduction came into play when you woke up, tossed and turned, and squeezed your legs together looking for relief.”

“You’re full of shit. You were on the other side of the bed. You have no idea—”

Then his face dipped, which was to say, we were almost nose-to-nose when he cut me off.

“Autumn, baby, you were squeezing your thighs together. But you want more truth, I know you’re aching because my cock’s been throbbing hard since that kiss. Why the hell do you think I’m so far on the other side of the bed, I’m damn close to rolling off?”

Okay, that was good to know.

“I’m ready.”

Declan was silent for a long time, just looking into my eyes.

I didn’t know what he was looking for but I hoped he’d find it quickly.

He was not wrong, I had been squeezing my legs together.

He was also correct, I was turned on. I wanted more and I wasn’t sure what the hold-up was.

We’d done this before, and it always ended fabulously.

Or had it?

The orgasms he’d wrought were absolutely fabulous. Otherworldly fantastic. And I knew Declan didn’t fake how much he enjoyed his.

But I knew something was missing because as soon as the high had waned, emptiness followed.

I’d found short-lived, momentary peace in Declan.

A time where I thought about nothing but him and what he was doing to me physically, but the emotional fallout from the highest of highs was the lowest of lows.

He’d leave and I couldn’t hold back the pain of loneliness.

Empty, hollow, wanting more from him but knowing I’d never get it.

I wondered if he’d felt that, too.

“I’m not gonna fuck you, baby,” he said softly and my body went stiff.

Okay, maybe I was wrong about everything.

“When you’re ready, I’m gonna show you something new.

Something you’ve never had. And I swear to you, it’ll be good.

But you gotta be ready to feel what I want you to feel.

Physically, I can get you there. But emotionally, you gotta be ready to take this journey because I won’t let you hold back.

Which means you gotta trust me to push you where you need to go. ”

My heart rate spiked and my palms got clammy.

“You want on top of me,” I surmised.

Declan came closer and my vision narrowed to just him. His handsome face set to determination, his eyes full of something that looked like love, but his mouth was tight like he was holding back again and I hated it.

I wanted Declan to be free to be himself. The same way he made it safe for me to be me.

“I want to make love to you. I don’t want any boundaries.

I want to explore every inch of you and do that however I want to do it.

I want you to touch me while I’m doing it.

I don’t want you to hold back, shut down, lock your emotions out.

I want everything, Autumn. Flesh, desire, passion, love, lust, everything you have to give.

I want you to feel me everywhere. The need to give that to you is consuming me.

But what I will never do again is fuck you while we both hold everything back, giving each other empty orgasms to escape.

I’m not saying I’ll never take you fast and hard—what I’m telling you is, when I take you I’ll be giving you everything. Nothing between us. No boundaries.”

The area between my legs was wet and tingling.

“And that’s why you’re sleeping on the other side of the bed not touching me?”

Declan’s lips twitched and I wanted to kiss them so badly that tingling between my legs became a throb.

“Yeah, Autumn, I’m determined to give you time, to go at your pace. That includes not pressing my hard cock against you, so I’d needed the distance.”

“Why?”

“Baby,” he groaned. “Pains me to think about it, because now I understand how fucked-up it was, the way we’d come together, and I hate how much I held back from you.

But you have to know, you are sexy as fuck, you feel so goddamn good wrapped around my cock, I had to fight back coming five seconds after I got inside of you.

Your ass is a thing of beauty, your tits only win out because you go hot when I bite your nipples.

But again, I held back, and not only emotionally.

I want to taste you so damn bad my hands shake.

I want to feel you come around my cock while I look into your eyes.

I wanna hear you calling my name while I’m driving deep, knowing it’s not because of what my cock does for you but because of what I do for you.

So with all of that, I’m staying on my side of the bed because my cock’s hard, my hands are shaking, and my mouth is watering.

When you’re ready, I’m all yours. You can touch all you want.

But for now, I’m respecting your space.”

The word “space” was barely out of his mouth and my hands went to his back and started to glide up. Declan went stiff as a board, his muscles twitched under my palms, and I still panicked I’d done something wrong.

Wordlessly, he held my gaze and in rapt fascination I watched him war with himself.

Little by little, he relaxed until he gave me a nod of permission and I slowly resumed my path.

I’d never touched his bare back. Smooth skin over hard muscle.

Every now and again, I hit a puckered scar but I didn’t have to ask.

I knew where he’d gotten them. Not the particulars—those I’d never know—but they were marks of bravery.

Proof he’d lived through the horrors of war.

And I didn’t have to see them to know they were beautiful.

“Is this okay?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Yeah, baby, you can touch wherever you want.”

“Will you touch me?”

“Is that what you want?”

I nodded and swallowed past the lump in my throat, hating that I’d had to make a request.

“Just please don’t hold me down. Not yet. Anything else, but I need to be able to move my arms.”

“Anything you need, Autumn.”

Anything you need.

My heart melted.

Fucking melted. Me, Autumn Pierce, emotionless, stone-hearted, merciless, bitch. And with three words that meant more than any other words he could ever say to me, I went liquid. A puddle of excitement and nerves .