Page 19 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

The tiny house I rented in Annapolis felt claustrophobic—smaller than it really was with five big men in my living room.

The jig was up. They knew I’d been living in Maryland, and now they knew exactly where I lived.

This sucked.

Especially since Thad knew and he’d tell Emmy, making my departure imminent.

Conversation on the way back to the States had been sparse.

No, that wasn’t true. The guys had spoken plenty.

Declan had multiple conversations with Tex and Zane.

All the men had checked in with their women.

Thad had contacted Emmy dozens of times.

However, I did note that not once during those short chats had he mentioned my name, something I was grateful for.

And I had called Ash to tell her that Madeleine Strotherby was taken care of and now she was up.

I didn’t miss the excitement in my friend’s voice, which was something I’d always lacked.

I might have felt some sick, perverse satisfaction, followed by crippling remorse, but I was never excited like she was.

Ash was made of sterner stuff. She had an iron constitution.

I was weak and could barely stomach the things I’d done.

Who was I kidding, I couldn’t stomach them—period. And now Declan knew my secret. So far, I didn’t think he’d told anyone but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t. Why I cared I didn’t know. I just didn’t want anyone to know something about me.

What hadn’t happened during our travel was a conversation between Declan and me.

He was giving me a wide berth. I was grateful for the distance even though deep down it hurt worse than the injuries to my throat and arm.

Kyle had indeed sewn me up the first chance he got.

Thankfully, it only required three sutures because I’d refused pain meds, and even though he’d numbed the area, I ached everywhere.

And when the topical ointment had worn off, my arm burned like a son-of-a-bitch.

But what had turned my body into a trembling mess was when Kyle had glued my throat closed.

It was not the pain or the burn that had sent me into a ball of twisted anxiety, it was the knowledge of how close I’d come to dying.

I’d made a huge mistake, one I’d never repeat. Then that bitch Madeleine had surprised me and stabbed me in the arm. Thank God I moved in time because she was aiming for my face. I’d been impatient and opened the door instead of waiting for one of the guys.

And through that, Declan had said nothing. He simply sat with his eyes locked onto mine, blazing fury he didn’t bother to hide.

Now, back in my house, I still didn’t know what had Declan wrapped around the axles and I was so tired and strung so tight I didn’t care. He could go home and seethe in private.

We are nothing I reminded myself for the thousandth time. He is not my responsibility and I am not his . Fuck buddies—that was it .

God, that hurt my stomach.

“Remember to change that bandage tomorrow and—”

“I won’t forget, Kyle. Thank you for everything. Now get home to Anaya.”

“You’re a little bit of all right, Autumn.” Kyle dipped his chin and started for the door.

“I’m leaving, too.” Max’s gaze came to mine and I braced. “Just so you know, I like you, too.”

Well, hell, why did that make me feel warm and fuzzy ? Big, bad Max Brown being cool. Who knew he had it in him ?

“You’re my ride, asshole,” Brooks called after Max. “See ya around, girl. You did good.”

And with that, Max, Brooks, and Kyle left.

Three down, two more to go.

The two I didn’t want to face.

For different reasons but both with the same apprehension.

“I gotta get to Zane’s and pick up Emmy,” Thad started and I held my breath. Here we go. “I owe you an apology.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, I was a dick. I’m scared shitless about my wife. If she loses this baby…”

“She won’t.”

“It doesn’t look—”

“She won’t, Thad. And you have to believe that.”

Thad inhaled and I watched his nostrils flare before he jerked his chin.

“I’ve never seen the kind of love she has for you,” I told him, trying to keep my tone even.

“Never. Not even when I was young with my mom and dad, and they didn’t ever hide how much they loved each other.

But what she feels for you is so deep, so pure, so cemented into her soul, she couldn’t ever stop it. I am so sorry I took that from you.”

“It’s not your fault, it never was.”

“That’s bullshit and we both know it. Emmy left you to find me. And she stayed away because she was trying to fix me. I took ten years of your life and for that, I am eternally sorry.”

My brother-in-law’s face turned to stone, he didn’t like to be reminded of what he lost, but it didn’t change the fact he’d lost it.

“How ‘bout this? I accept your apology if you accept mine.”

I waited for him to say more, tack on another if, or make a demand.

But he didn’t.

“Deal,” I agreed.

“Good.”

Thad made his way to the door, leaving me standing in the middle of my living room stunned. That was it? No badgering me to talk to Emerson. No argument. Nothing. Just, good ?

“Hey, wait.” Thad stopped, craned his neck, and his eyes met mine. “Will you…um…will you let me know how she is?”

“Yeah. I’ll keep you posted.”

“Thank you,” I whispered.

His gaze moved over my face then over my shoulder.

No words were exchanged but the vibe in the room changed. It sizzled and cracked, buzzed with electricity. My stomach started to feel funny and my heart rate accelerated.

Whatever Thad and Declan were silently communicating hummed in the air, making it hard to breathe.

Declan needed to leave. Now.

I felt it, down to my bones, something was changing.

It whirled around me and I didn’t like it one fucking bit.

Thad silently left and I turned to face Declan.

“You should leave.”

He said nothing.

“Go home, Dec. You look tired.”

Nothing .

“Seriously. Leave.”

Silence.

Warning sirens blared in my head. The instincts that had failed me in Afghanistan were alerting me there was a clear and present danger in the room and I needed to flee. Run. Get the fuck away from Declan Crenshaw as fast as I could.

Then his eyes narrowed and I wondered if he could smell it—no doubt the man he was, he could sniff the fear oozing out of me.

To him, to the shark he was, it called like blood in the water.

I knew this to be true when he started circling.

Not literally, but figuratively. He studiously stared, his eyes bore into mine, and I knew the fear wasn’t oozing, I simply reeked of it.

He needed to leave.

I wasn’t afraid Declan would physically hurt me, but he could emotionally demolish me. And the longer he studied me, the more I knew deep in my bones he was gearing up to tear me down.

“You need to take something for the pain,” he said.

“Huh?”

That was not what I thought he was going to say. Tremendous relief flooded me. We weren’t hashing out what happened in Afghanistan.

Unfortunately, that relief was short-lived.

“A pain pill, Autumn. You need to take one.”

“I don’t take pain medication.”

“Why the fuck not? I’ve been watching your face pinch in extreme discomfort for hours so don’t bother denying you’re not in pain. I see it, Autumn. Take a damn pill.”

He was wrong. I wasn’t in extreme discomfort, I wasn’t even in pain. I was in absolute agony.

But I still wasn’t taking a damn pill.

“None of your business, Declan. I’m tired. Go home. ”

“Why not?”

“Go home.”

“Jesus Christ, woman!” he shouted. “I’m not going anywhere until you explain to me why the fuck you’d rather be in pain—”

“I don’t like to be drugged,” I snapped.

“Bab—”

“Shut up. You wanted to push. There you have it. Bad shit happens to me when I’m not in control. When my mind is foggy. So, yes, I’d rather be in pain and know what’s happening to me than be drugged and powerless.”

“And you don’t trust me to watch over you.” His gruff voice filled my small living room, bounced around the room and hit me with the force of a speeding car.

“What?”

“You don’t trust me to protect you?”

His unexpected question took me off-guard. But his wild eyes held my attention.

“What are you talking about?”

“Never mind.” He stalked to the door, finally doing what I’d asked, but I couldn’t let him leave.

“No. Not never mind. You started this argument, now you’re following it through.”

What the hell was I saying ?

I’d wanted him to leave. I didn’t want to talk—about anything. But that damn hurt on his face was like a fist squeezing my heart.

“You want me to leave, Autumn, I’m gone. I don’t need this shit.”

“And what shit is that? The big heaping pile you shoveled at me demanding I take a stupid pain pill, or you pushing until I finally get pissed enough to admit why I don’t like taking them.

And in doing that, forcing me to tell you how weak I am and can’t control the bad shit that happened to me and I still let it affect my life. ”

Now I was panting. I felt my chest heaving and that pissed me off, too. Why did I let him get to me? Why the hell did I care what was in his eyes?

It was not my business.

“No, baby, the shit I don’t need is you fucking with my life.”

What the hell ?

“And how am I fucking with your life?”

Declan transformed—right before my very eyes, he changed. Gone was the man—rough, strong, rugged. And in his place was a beast.

A big, beautiful, beast.

And he was unleashed.

His hands tore through his hair, his eyes wild but in a new way—a scary way. His large frame strung taut, visibly quaking.

Oh, fuck.

“I can’t do this,” he snarled. “I can’t feel this. I can’t want this.”

His gaze held me hostage. I knew I should look away. I knew it and I didn’t and what came next ripped my soul from my body. It tore the muscle. It broke bones.

“You’re not her,” he roared.

My blood froze.

Anguish slithered up my spine, pierced my flesh, and infused my entire being with a toxin so potent I stumbled back.

“You have no right to make me feel what you do. No fucking right to make me want you. No motherfucking right…” His words trailed off but his sounds didn’t. His feral growl filled the room and I wisely ran from the beast he’d become.

Though I couldn’t go far. The house wasn’t big enough to escape the sound, I could still hear him in my room. But even if I couldn’t, I’d never forget. The torment, the suffering, the affliction were burned into my brain.

You’re not her.

No, I wasn’t her .

I’d never be the beauty that was his wife.

I’d never carry his child.

I’d never be any of those things to anyone.

I was an infection. Something that needed to be cast out.