Page 23 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

“Dead. Juliana was holding Violet and they took four to the chest,” I callously blurted out.

It was a fucked-up thing to do and I knew it, but I was so pissed I didn’t care. They all should’ve minded their own business.

Numbness took over. Yes, this was what I needed. I had to find that place where nothing could hurt me. Nothing broke past the walls. I’d become soft and had let each of my teammates in. None of them got the whole story, but each had pieces of me. I’d known better than to let that happen.

“You got something to say, say it, Jaxon,” I invited when the man continued to stare at me mutely.

“Brother, you can’t know this because you’ve never let her close.

But that sister of yours, she’s got magical powers, Declan.

You got unimaginable grief bottled up. I get it, I understand why you locked down and kept it for yourself.

But what you can’t know is, Violet needs to hear this.

She deserves to hear it. You lost your daughter so she lost a niece.

Her namesake. You open up to her and I swear to you, she’ll help you dig it out, all that pain.

She’ll work her ass off to see you through. We all will. But especially her.”

“I don’t want her working her ass off for anything.” I slammed my palms on the table, uncaring my control had slipped. “I want her to continue living her life smiling and happy. Enjoying her family.”

“Fucking hell, Declan. You are family. You’re her twin brother. Does she get to enjoy you? Does she get to enjoy seeing her brother hold his nephew? All she wants is her family to be happy and that includes you.”

Silence fell and the vise that had tightened on my heart finally shattered the organ. I could no longer keep my emotions at bay. Everything was rushing to the surface. Autumn’s rejection. Juliana and Violet.

“I can’t do this. I thought I could. I thought I had shit squared away but I don’t. I never did. I fucked up. I never should’ve come back.”

“What’s fucking with your head?” Thad asked.

“Better question is, what’s not?”

“Break it down,” Zane rejoined.

Fucking bastard . This was his fault. He never should’ve brought Juliana and Violet up.

Bile churned in my stomach just thinking about admitting what kind of man I was.

“There’s not a damn thing we can’t help you work out.”

“Yeah? You think that?” I didn’t bother to hide my attitude.

“Know, brother.”

“I’ve been seeing Autumn for months,” I told him something he knew.

“What kind of asshole does that make me, that every goddamn night I’d go to her and fuck my problems away?

The one woman who deserves nothing but good and clean and gentle.

And I kept going back taking more. She’s the only one who understands.

The only fucking place I felt at peace was when I was with her. ”

“You ever stop to think you gave her the same in return? That maybe you’re exactly what she needs?

That the two of you being the same, carrying heavy burdens, do your best to keep the demons from taking over, that maybe she was taking from you?

” Zane returned. “Not trying to be a dick, Declan, but Autumn’s not the first—”

“I don’t think about Juliana,” I blurted out.

“Fuck!” My hands went to my face and I pressed the heels of my palms against my forehead.

“Autumn’s the only woman that’s ever made me forget.

I don’t think about Juliana when I’m with her.

Christ, I barely think about her at all.

How fucked is that? I close my eyes at night and I see Autumn.

I can hardly remember what Juliana looks like.

What kind of asshole does that make me? I’ve replaced my wife. ”

“You have to let her go,” Thad gently told me and I wanted to punch him in the face.

Fuck, that hurt .

“I have. She left and I’ve respected her—”

“No, not Autumn. You have to let Juliana go.”

My breath caught, my heart stopped, and my muscles bunched.

“She’s gone, brother. But you can have it again.”

“I can’t.”

“Alive and breathing,” he pushed. “Autumn’s alive and breathing and she’s got you twisted into knots. That should tell you something. And I’ll remind you again, you told me you wanted it. A woman waiting for you at home, a home the two of you made. You want that life, here’s your shot. Take it.”

“We’re not talking about you and Emmy.”

“No. We’re talking about you and Autumn. She needs you as much as you need her. Let the past go and take your shot at something good. Take it, Declan. You’re the only man who can heal her wounds and you know it.”

Did I know it?

All I knew was every part of me hurt. Every part ached for Autumn. Every inch of my body begged for me to find her. But more than that, my soul yearned for her.

“I need to go.”

No one stopped me when I got up to leave. No one tried to approach me when I left the building.

And before I understood where I was driving to, I was parked in front of Autumn’s. She wasn’t there, hadn’t been there in the two weeks since she’d left. And I knew that because I was a pussy and had slept alone in her bed every night.

What the hell did I do now?