Page 21 of Declan (Gold Team #5)

Be well.

Two words scribbled on a piece of paper. That was all I’d left Declan before I took off. Six letters were all I could write. There was so much more to say, but I knew if I’d tried I would’ve lost my nerve. If I would’ve thought about what I was doing, I wouldn’t have done it.

And I needed to, for both of us.

We’d taken it too far, and any further would result in ugliness.

I was not Juliana and he was not a knight in shining armor.

I didn’t need a knight, I needed a shrink, and he wasn’t that, either.

I’d known who he was, but more, I knew who I was, yet I still allowed myself to pretend we could be normal.

That wasn’t in the cards for me.

At least that’s what I’d been telling myself over the last week.

I watched my father walk out of his office, make his way to his car, and get in. I hoped he was going straight home, I wanted to get this done and move the hell on.

An hour later, I broke into my dad’s small two-bedroom house. Actually, I didn’t break in, he hadn’t locked his side door, and he didn’t have an alarm. And once I entered his home, I understood why. There wasn’t a damn thing worth stealing.

When I was growing up, my family was firmly middle class, inching toward upper-middle class.

My sister and I still needed scholarships to go to college.

We’d worked to pay our own auto insurance and gas, but Mom and Dad had not been hurting for money.

We had a nice house, not luxury but comfortable.

I knew my dad was now one hundred percent owner of the insurance company he’d once owned with Stanley James so I knew he could afford better than this shithole.

I also knew he’d given my mother everything when they divorced.

But still, my father made good money, so the neighborhood, the house, the lack of furniture, even the car he drove surprised me.

Then suddenly there he was. He’d changed out of his suit and stopped dead when he saw me standing in his living room.

Confusion bled to sorrow and I watched my dad crumble.

He looked up at me from his position on the floor, eyes full of tears, and choked out my name.

One word. So broken. So full of pain.

“Dad,” I returned.

His eyes drifted closed and I wasn’t sure if it was the sight of me or my voice that had caused this new wave of hurt. Maybe both. I knew I looked like shit, I felt it.

I was dead inside.

I found the old Autumn. The woman I’d become to block out the violence of my deeds. The coldness I needed to endure my life. The primal need to survive.

I wasn’t human, I was an animal. Any goodness I had left inside of me I’d given to Declan, it was his. And by now, I was nothing but a memory.

“I’m sorry,” my dad cried. “I’m so damn sorry. ”

“Did you know?”

Justin Pierce was a big man, so it took him a moment to get himself off the floor, and when he did, he silently made his way to the couch.

My heart thudded in my chest when he sat much the same way I’d seen Declan sitting.

Elbows to his knees, tears streaming down his face.

The difference was, my dad hadn’t taken his eyes off of me.

And when I’d found Declan, his head had been hung.

Big, hulking Declan Crenshaw brought low.

I hated thinking about it. I hated knowing that his grief was so heavy it weighed him down.

And for a man as strong as Declan, it had to weigh a ton.

“I knew he had a gambling problem,” my dad started.

“I’d bailed him out before. A couple of hundred dollars turned into a couple thousand.

The last time he came to me, I refused. Not only because I was tired of my business partner coming to me for money, but I didn’t have it.

Hell, the business didn’t even have the kind of money he needed to cover his debts.

But, no, I did not know the type of men he owed money to and I didn’t know he’d taken you.

I would’ve protected you. I would’ve protected you and Emerson both.

I would’ve taken my family and disappeared had I known. ”

I believed him. He’d loved us. My mom was his whole world. His girls. That’s what he’d called the three of us.

“How’d you figure it out?”

“After you came home from the hospital, I mentioned a business meeting I had to go to. The moment I mentioned Stanley’s name, sheer terror washed over you.

I waited a week, then brought his name up in front of you again.

You shook so violently you couldn’t get control of yourself, then you took off upstairs.

That’s when I knew. Or I thought I did, so I started to dig.

You refused to speak and I needed answers.

I hired a PI but he got nowhere. So I hired another, then another, until finally, I found one that had the right connections and I got the answers I needed. ”

“Was this man’s name Tex?”

“No. Though close, he was from Colorado. Good man. He found everything I needed and he did it fast.”

“What’s his name?”

“Not gonna tell you, Autumn. I’ll tell you everything else but that. The work he does requires anonymity and because of what he did for me, I owe him loyalty.”

“More loyalty than you owe your daughter?”

“With this? Yes. I’ll give everything else but his name.”

“So you had the confirmation you needed and you killed Stanley.”

It wasn’t a question. I knew my dad had killed his business partner. I’d watched him do it. The man who’d taken me and sold me to pay off a gambling debt. I couldn’t even summon up enough emotion to care that my life ended because some asshole didn’t know how to play poker.

“Yes, I killed him.”

“And his wife?”

“She knew and she covered for him.”

Something I hadn’t known. Interesting .

“I burned his house down,” I told him. “I watched you. You didn’t wear gloves, you were careless. So I burned down the house. After that, I drained his bank accounts and left.”

I lost my dad’s gaze, and just like all of the other times he couldn’t bear the sight of me, it hurt.

“Look at me,” I demanded. His eyes snapped to mine.

Revulsion.

“I know you can’t stomach the sight—”

“Don’t you ever say that again!” my dad shouted and went to his feet.

“Christ, is that what you thought? What you think ?” The sob that tore from my father was gut-wrenching.

“Autumn, all of this is my fault. I did this to you. I brought that man into our lives. And then I let him destroy my daughter. I couldn’t look at you without it ripping my heart out, knowing what I’d done.

Me, daughter, I did it. I fucked up everything. ”

It was a weird thing to note, but with my dad standing in front of me, seeing him for the first time in nine years, how he’d aged, how he’d stayed the same, so when he cursed I tried to think about if I’d ever heard him say a bad word. I hadn’t.

But I didn’t bring it up.

“I needed you.”

“And I failed you.”

I felt my dad’s admission score through me, cracking some of the ice I’d layered over my heart.

“I needed you.”

“I know, baby girl, and I let you down.”

Another hit, this one harder.

“I just needed my dad!”

I felt my legs start to tremble and the walls I thought I’d reinforced when I’d snuck out on Declan splintered.

“I’m sorry, Autumn. I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t stronger.

I was weak. So fucking weak that when I knew my daughter needed me I still couldn’t face what I’d done.

I couldn’t find the strength to be a better man, a better father.

I failed, you, your sister, and your mom.

And you paid for my mistakes. You lost everything because of me and I can’t ever apologize enough for that. ”

“I needed…”

I didn’t finish what I was saying and I also wasn’t standing anymore.

I didn’t remember my dad catching me, just that he did.

I also didn’t know how we ended up on the floor but we were sitting on his ratty-assed carpet.

But none of that mattered, because for the first time in over ten years, my dad’s arms were wrapped around me.

And everything shattered.

Every. Thing.

All I’d wanted after I’d been rescued was my dad. I needed to feel his strong arms around me. I needed his words of wisdom, I needed him to hold me and rock me and tell me everything would be okay. But he’d rejected me. Wouldn’t even look at me.

“I hate you,” I whispered.

“I know you do, honey.”

“I hate that you wouldn’t touch me. I was so dirty, all I wanted was for you to…”

I didn’t know what I wanted, what I’d expected him to do, but I wanted something.

“I was so weak. Seeing my baby girl covered in bruises, knowing what she’d endured, all of that my fault.

I was afraid to hold you. I was so scared I’d make it worse for you if I hugged you.

The doctors all warned us, you’d have PTSD.

They said you might never welcome our touch again.

I shouldn’t have listened. I should’ve worked past all my crap and scooped my girl up.

That was my shit, not yours. And you listen to me, you’ve never been dirty.

What those men did to you was not your fault. ”

“It wasn’t yours either,” I admitted.

And it wasn’t. As much as I wanted to blame my dad, and I had for years, I knew it wasn’t his fault.

But I hurt so badly I hated everyone. I needed someone to blame.

And unfortunately, my family took the brunt of my wrath.

Another reason I didn’t want to face my mom and sister. I’d said horrible things.

My body sagged heavily against my dad. I just needed him to take the burden, if only for a few minutes. I couldn’t carry it anymore. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to breathe. I just wanted it all to go away.

The front door opened and my father twisted, taking me with him, and covered my body with his.

Protecting me.

Which was laughable .

But I didn’t laugh, I just took that hit and let it wash over me. Until I heard the gasp, then the pain-filled cry.

My mom.

Shit .

“Meggy, what are you doing here?”

My dad slowly gathered me in his arms and I’d stupidly buried my face in his neck like I could hide as I’d done countless times when I was a child and needed my daddy.

“Is this why you stopped answering your phone?” my mom cried. “Has Autumn been here this whole time?”

“No, Meggy, she just got here. I wouldn’t keep our girl from you.”

“Autumn?”

My mother’s voice filled my ears and it was agony. It’d been so long I’d forgotten what she sounded like.

Unable to speak, I lamely nodded.

“May I…can I…”

“Meggy, darlin’, sit down,” my dad invited and I bit my lip.

I came here to tell him…shit, I didn’t know why I came.

To tell him I hated him? That I forgave him?

That I knew he killed Stanley? Beg him to help me?

Make him explain why he’d turned his back on me?

I had no idea why I’d traveled all that way to find my dad.

I just knew I had to or I was going to die.

I’d lost everything. My innocence. My heart. My soul. My future. Declan. Emmy. My parents. My niece or nephew. Everything. Gone.

Now what?