Page 99 of Breadwinner
Beth flinched. “I didn’t want a provider. I wanted my wife. My partner. My best friend. I wanted you. But everything became about Lily, and schedules, and rules, and your obsession with controlling every little detail, and it was suffocating. I tried for three years, hoping that one day you would come home from work and dance with me in the living room like we used to. That you would smile at me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. But you never did. And I couldn’t be unhappy anymore. It was slowly draining me.”
Sarah slid her palms against her thighs, wiping away the sweat—the physical manifestation of her hurt and anger.
“And now here we are,” Sarah said quietly. “For so long, I’ve been thinking I was the reason you were so unhappy and unsettled in your life. But when we broke up, you still weren’thappy. Even after it wasn’t my responsibility, I always tried to help you find your happiness, because that is all I’ve ever wanted for you. And I thought when you told me about Jamie that this was it—that you found your missing piece—and I had to swallow the pain that it wasn’t me. But, every once in a while, we have these moments where I catch you looking at me, or a touch that feels a little too familiar, and it makes me wonder if you’re actually happy now or if I’m reading into something that isn’t there.”
Beth stared at her, hurt etched across her delicate features, the worry line between her knitted brows more prominent than ever.
“I’m happy, Sarah.”
A suffocating silence followed as embarrassment filled her. “Then I guess it’s time for me to let you go.” She swallowed hard, trying to ignore the pain of this conversation. “I need space, Beth. I need to live a life where I’m not putting you first anymore. I need to find who I am without you, and I can’t do that when you’re always here. That’s not fair to me. So please, if you respect me, please give me the time to do that, and unless it concerns Lily, I think it’s best if I keep taking the space I need.”
Beth’s lips parted like she was ready to argue, and then Sarah saw it—that flash of defeat behind her eyes.
Sarah shoved the keys into the ignition, and the engine roared to life as she pulled out, heading in the direction of the hotel. When they arrived, she spoke softly.
“Let’s finish out this weekend like we’ve always tried to—as a family. We’re here for Lily, but when we get back home, I’m serious about needing space.”
Beth was still silent, her eyes glassy, as she climbed out of the front seat, walking inside without looking back, leaving Sarah alone in her car with her thoughts, trying to catch her breath.
But then came the tears, hot and heavy and painful. Her whole body shook silently as the box in her mind labeled “Beth” tipped over, spilling its contents everywhere, and she finally let go of everything she had been holding on to for nearly a decade.
When the tears subsided and her breathing steadied enough, Sarah slid out of the car and walked into the hotel lobby, her eyes cast down as she crossed the tiled floors. She quickly ducked into the women’s restroom, which was, thankfully, empty. Setting her purse on the counter, Sarah studied her reflection. Swollen eyes and puffy lips looked back at her, and there were angry patches of red across her cheeks. She quickly turned the sink on, leaned forward, and splashed her face with cold water.
Sarah blindly reached for the paper towel dispenser, grabbing the scratchy paper sheets and drying her face. She wanted to go up to her room and sleep off the rest of the weekend, but she knew she couldn’t. Lily was waiting for her. So she did what she always did: inhaled deeply, rolled her shoulders back, and held her head high as she reapplied her makeup, tucking all the pieces of Beth in her mind back into their box, sealing the lid shut.
She found Jamie and Lily easily, and for a moment, she was surprised not to see Beth already sitting with them. Forcing a smile, Sarah slid into the open seat next to Lily.
“Where’s Mama?” Lily asked, dipping a French fry into her chocolate milkshake in the same way Beth always did.
Sarah reached out to steal a fry from the basket in front of Lily, glancing at Jamie before answering. “Not feeling great. I think she went upstairs to rest.”
Jamie gave her a long, searching look that made Sarah want to crawl out of her skin, because in that moment, Sarah was aware that Jamie knew she was lying.
The next morning, Sarah got up early to grab breakfast with Lily. At Lily’s request, Sarah had found a diner nearby. She hadapparently woken up with an insatiable craving for chocolate-chip pancakes.
“So you’re not flying home with us today?” Lily asked, as they pulled up to the hotel after breakfast.
“No, sweetie. I’m going to stay in town for a few more days, maybe try and catch up with Nell,” she said, offering Lily a version of the truth she felt comfortable with.
“Tell Nell I said hi, and that I think she’s too cool to be hanging out with you.”
“I’ll pass along the message,” she said, grinning as Lily hopped out of the car exactly as Jamie was exiting the hotel, rolling two suitcases. Jamie smiled, giving her a slight nod of her head.
Once Lily was definitely inside, Sarah attempted to speak, but her voice fell flat, and Jamie beat her to it.
“Thanks for not pushing back yesterday when I asked you and Beth to talk it out,” she said easily.
Sarah’s hand tightened reflexively around the steering wheel. “Yeah. Sure. You were right. It needed to happen.”
Jamie cocked her head to the side and looked at her like she could hear everything Sarah wasn’t saying. “Good. I think getting ahead of these things and keeping the family dynamic healthy for Lily’s sake is important. That’s what matters most to me.”
Why did Jamie have to be so damn likable? How was it that, in some twisted way, Jamie was the perfect addition to their weird little blended family? Sarah did her best to force a smile as the muscles in her jaw fluttered. “That’s what we all want.”
Silence followed. Sarah could feel the question Jamie wasn’t asking. “I think it’s probably best if we hold off on family dinners for a while,” she answered.
Jamie froze for a moment, a puzzled expression written across her angular features.
“I need some space from things,” Sarah added. “And Lily has such a busy schedule over the next few months...”