Page 77 of Breadwinner

Nell moved behind her desk once more, her fingertips tapping across the polished wooden surface. This wasn’t the first time her control had slipped in the last six months. Vegas had already seen to that.

Las Vegas.She closed her eyes, remembering her weekend in the desert with Sarah.

It was supposed to be their grand finale, the end of their arrangement. Nell had made that decision before heading into the charity event Saturday evening, a decision that was further reinforced as she watched Sarah work the room with ease, holding herself with such poise and confidence, not needing her at all. But somewhere throughout the evening, a switch in her flipped, igniting a different type of longing and desire. Desire to take exactly what she wanted from Sarah.

Her coveted control had started to slip the moment she had sat beside Sarah at that roulette table. And again in the elevator, with Sarah all over her. And again when she had climbed on top of her in the penthouse suite, riding her to within an inch of her life. But the final nail, the true death of her composure, came when she let Sarah see how shereallyliked to lose control.

None of that had been a part of her plan.

The most devastating part—the thing that really shattered her—was what Sarah had said in the booth in the back of the club. She could hear her voice so clearly with its trip-induced loftiness.I’m starting to feel like I can’t picture my life without you in it.

Sarah had said those words to her with pure conviction, and that terrified her, because that could only mean one thing.

She knew what it looked like when women fell in love with her. This wasn’t the first time it had happened. They would start their engagements with Nell making it very clear: she was not the type of person for a relationship. They could have their fun, but that was all. Eventually, like clockwork, the women in her life would want more, something deeper, something she couldn’t give. So she would end things.

But Sarah didn’t push her, didn’t ask her for more. It made Nell’s skin crawl, and she couldn’t figure out why.

She wasn’t afraid of intimacy. She loved sex, craved that connection with other women. But love in the way people talked about, with rings and romance and happily-ever-afters? That kind of love felt like a foreign language to her. One that, no matter how hard she tried, she had never quite gotten the hang of. But Sarah... Sarah wasn’t like all the other women.

That’s why this weekend was so important, why it had to be perfect. Because she didn’t know how else to convey to Sarah that while she might not be able to give her exactly what she wants, Nell sure as hell could give her just about everything else.

Rowan cleared her throat, making her jump. Nell hadn’t realized she was still standing in the doorway.

“You know what, let me make a few more calls. I might be able to work something out with the house.”

“No, Rowan, it’s fine. Really,” Nell said, a little too quickly.

“I’ll at least try,” Rowan insisted. “I’ll have everything finalized for your approval tomorrow evening.”

“Please make sure the jet is fueled up and that the kitchen is stocked with everything on the list I provided. Oh, and please ensure the linens are made of Egyptian cotton, specifically the soft ones with a high thread count. I want those for the weekend.”

“Noted.” Rowan smirked as she left, leaving Nell alone with her thoughts.

This trip needed to be perfect, and if there was one thing she could do incredibly well, it was perfection.

That idea of perfection Nell had had on Wednesday night? Yeah, that went out the window the very minute the weekend began.

First, their flight was grounded in Seattle due to high winds, and then,of course, Sarah had been pulled in to fix a high-stakes mistake made by one of the junior partners at her firm, which had her half on the phone and half typing away on her laptop the entire drive north.

She immediately regretted her decision to drive when it became apparent that the I-5 bumper-to-bumper traffic was going to hold them hostage for longer than she would have liked. That regret only deepened when they sat in an additional two hours’ wait to pass the border at the Peace Arch.

Sarah, for her part, had been apologetic about having to bring work with her, a fact that very clearly annoyed her as she muttered legal jargon between sips of coffee while they had driven.

At least, by some divine act of Rowan’s bottomless list of favors owed, she had managed to deliver a miracle in the form of the perfect chalet for the weekend. But they arrived later than she had planned, missing their dinner reservation. Sarah,still with work to do, immediately buried herself in her laptop again, and Nell spent the evening drinking wine meant for the two of them to share in the hot tub, alone, as she tried not to be disappointed.

But she had been. And she hated that. She understood better than anyone the importance of work. Still, she couldn’t help that slight little tug inside of her that had wanted this weekend to go a certain way.

She excused herself early to head to bed, where she continued to be disappointed.

This morning, they had made it out onto the slopes exactly on time, and she had let herself be perhaps a little too optimistic that her plans were finally moving in the direction she wanted. For a glorious few hours, she had felt her control slipping back into place as she and Sarah weaved their way through towering snow-covered evergreens and across corduroy-packed snow.

They stopped for peppermint hot chocolates at a mid-mountain lodge and found a spot by the fireplace to warm up. She tried not to get caught as she watched over the rim of her cup while Sarah peeled off her gear layer by layer. It was beyond her to understand how someone managed to make ski gear look so incredibly sexy.

“My eyes are up here,” Sarah said, swatting at her with the gloves that were still in her hands. Nell smiled, pulling her gaze up and away from where they had very much been enjoying the show Sarah had unknowingly been putting on for her.

“I know exactly where your eyes are.”

“Like what you see at least?” Sarah asked, her fingers tucking flyaway strands of hair behind her ear.