Page 87 of Breadwinner
“I mean, youdidambush me. You showed up unannounced at my house after saying nothing to me for weeks, took me to dinner, and then tried to end things? For future reference, don’t waste your time like that. A phone call would have been sufficient.” Sarah folded her hands in her lap, still smiling, still looking right at her. “What’s going on? We went from Whistler to this, and I’m not exactly sure how we got here.”
Nell looked down at her knees, the chair creaking beneath her as she leaned forward. “I thought you were falling in love with me,” she admitted quietly.
Sarah’s expression didn’t change; she just tilted her head slightly to the side, waiting for Nell to continue. So she did.
“After Vegas, you started looking at me differently. And then Whistler...” Nell waved her hand vaguely through the air. “Things felt different, and I panicked.”
“Why?”
There washerSarah—the one who always had a question to ask.
She braced herself for what was coming next. Taking a measured breath as she calmly explained herself, like she had done with other women she had found herself in this position with before.
“Because I don’t do romance—romantic relationships, that is. I never have. It’s not something I crave nor am interested in.” She watched Sarah for any sign of reaction, but Sarah gave her nothing. “I like connection with women, and I like sex. And we have...” She closed her eyes as memories flooded her of the two of them tangled up in all sorts of ways. “...phenomenal sex.But that gushy, romantic stuff? Love letters and butterflies and craving, longing looks—it’s never been something I’ve wanted. I don’t feel any of that. I never have. And every woman I’ve ever been with has eventually tried to change me, or left me, or both, because of it.”
She paused, but Sarah didn’t speak.
“I never wanted to hurt you,” Nell said, quieter now, already resigned to the fact that this was most likely the end of her and Sarah. Experience was, after all, the greatest teacher. “Rule number twelve: never break your own rules. Quite possibly my most important rule.” She gulped down air, willing herself not to break. “I broke all my rules for you. I care so much about you, and you mean so much to me, and that scares me. The thought of not having you in my life? That brought out some uncomfortable feelings that I pretty spectacularly mismanaged. And instead of doing something logical—like, I don’t know, having a conversation about it—I pulled away, like a coward. It was easier for me to distance myself from you than to try and have this conversation because, at the end of the day, I’m embarrassed that I let this happen.”
The silence that followed was long and loud, bordering on painful, as she looked at Sarah. The persistent beeping of the monitor felt like it was mocking her, and the faint buzz from the overhead fluorescent light was just loud enough to be incredibly annoying.
When Sarah finally spoke, her voice was surprisingly calm and measured, considering she had every right to be angry.
“I do love you, Nell.”
Nell stilled. Eyes cast down, suddenly very interested in the hospital blanket draped across Sarah’s lap. This was exactly what she’d been afraid of.
“But love with a lowercasel,” Sarah said, smiling brightly. “You know—uncomplicated, mutually-horny-for-each-other kind of love, but not romantic in any way, shape, or form.”
“You—what?” she asked tentatively.
“And now that I’m thinking about it...” Sarah’s voice slipped into the gentle teasing tone Nell had come to know so well. “It’s presumptuous of you to assume I’d fall in love with you, especially when I’ve been telling you for months that I’m unfortunately, hopelessly in love with Beth.”
Nell stared at her.
“Tell me something,” Sarah said, reaching out and taking her hand. “Have I ever asked you for more than you’ve offered?”
She felt the answer immediately, along with the accompanying embarrassment. “No,” she said slowly, “you haven’t.”
“Right. Because Ilistento you. You’ve told me multiple times that you aren’t looking for romance, and I respect that because I’m not looking for that from you either. I like this—what we’re doing—and I like you exactly asyouare. No changes. No upgrades needed.”
Nell rubbed her face in her hands, shoulders slumping. How had she misread everything? “God, I feel so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid. You’re just used to people punishing you for not fitting into the boxes they want to put you in.”
She felt the warmth of Sarah’s hand as it reached out to cup her cheek, tilting her chin up so she could look into her hazel eyes.
“There is nothing wrong with you living your life the way that fits you. Who am I to have any input about that? There is nothing wrong with being aromantic, Nell.”
That word hit her like a bucket of ice water dumped over her body, sending a chill all the way through her to the very tips ofher fingers. “Aromantic,” she whispered, as the label clicked into place.
She had never thought about it that way. But now that Sarah had said the word out loud, it felt obvious. Simple really. She had spent decades of her life feeling broken and undeserving because she couldn’t match other people where they were, but it never dawned on her that maybe that was okay. Maybe she didn’t have to keep feeling like she was the problem.
“You’re not broken. You’re absolutely perfect just the way you are. I know you, and I know how caring you are and how deeply you love those who are close to you. It’s okay not to want grand romantic gestures or a traditional coupled relationship. Your heart works differently, but that doesn’t make it wrong or any less valid. You just need different things.”
Her tears came suddenly and unexpectedly, silently at first, falling from the corners of her eyes, and then her whole body was shaking uncontrollably as she folded over Sarah’s lap. Sarah rubbed small, soothing circles over her shoulder blades but didn’t say anything, simply let her feel what she needed to feel in that moment: a deep appreciation for someone finally seeing her—trulyseeing her—without wanting to change her.
Nell let out a long, shaky sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob as she sat up, wiping away her tears. God, what must she look like right now.