Page 14 of Breadwinner
So she did. She boxed up the parts of herself that still reacted to Beth—the flutter she felt whenever Beth was nearby, the ache of watching her with Jamie, the pieces of her that still believed they would find their way back to each other—and sealed the lid shut. Stability over chaos. Presence over pain.
It was exhausting.
Maybe one day, she’d find a path out of this impossible place. But for now, keeping Beth in her life like this was better than not having her at all. And most of the time, Sarah could almost believe that, because there were nights like tonight.
She set her wineglass on the coffee table, half listening to Beth, Jamie, and Lily talk excitedly about Lily’s latest sponsorship deal. As the conversation flowed, though, Sarahfound herself listening less as her attention was caught up in the brightness of Beth’s eyes, the way her hair seemed to shimmer whenever it caught the light, and how her laugh sounded like summer. Her eyes moved to Lily, who was all sass and teenage bubbliness, looking so much like Beth it physically hurt.
Sarah didn’t live with regrets. She made choices, and she lived with the outcome. If only she had made a different choice all those years ago. If she ever had one regret in life, it would be letting Beth slip away. She hated how frequently that thought popped into her mind, especially on nights like tonight, where they were all enjoying quality family time.
She had always thought that Beth’s and her timelines would align again. That Beth would take the time she needed, get the space she craved, and then return to her. For a while, it had even seemed like it might happen. When Beth returned from her year-long art tour two years ago, they had fallen into step like no time had passed. It was easy. Right. And then Jamie happened.
And that fucking sucked.
It sucked because Sarah couldn’t hate Jamie. Jamie wasn’t like the people Sarah was used to dealing with. She wasn’t insecure, or threatening, or possessive. She was annoyingly likable, and worse, Sarah had seen firsthand how good for Beth Jamie had been. Instead of rubbing it in that she had won Beth over Sarah, instead of pushing her away, Jamie had done the opposite. She was the first one to include Sarah in everything.
She had been the one to insist she come over for holidays, ensuring she was still part of the family’s big moments, to be the bridge between Sarah’s past with Beth and whatever the hell their present was supposed to be. And worst of all, Sarah genuinely liked Jamie. She had tried to find just one thing she could hate about her, but there wasn’t anything.
So she sat there, sipping her wine, forcing herself to stay present in the conversation, engage when needed, and pretendthat none of this was a slow-burn personal hell of her own making.
She rose from the couch and made her way into the kitchen, where Sean Cassidy stood at the island, deep in conversation with Amanda Fitz-Simmons—Lily’s gymnastics coach and Jamie’s best friend. Sean, Beth’s manager and longtime confidant, was dating Amanda’s brother, Pat, who owned the local coffee shop. She and Sean had always had a tenuous relationship at best, each silently acknowledging the unspoken understanding that they’d tolerate each other for one reason only: Beth.
She had slipped past the pair, on the way to depositing her glass in the large apron sink, when a voice interrupted her thoughts.
“You’ve been quiet tonight. Everything okay?” Beth’s voice floated to her, making her jump. She hadn’t realized Beth had followed her into the kitchen. Their eyes met. Sarah could see the concern in the look she gave her, as if to say,I know what it looks like when your mind is spinning on something.
How was it possible that one look from Beth could make her feel so known and also hurt so much?
But she didn’t let it show.
Sarah swallowed that pain, forcing a smile instead.
“Busy week at work,” she said, leaving it at that.
Beth eyed her carefully. “Is that all?”
“Yes,” Sarah said, nodding. “A lot of cases wrapping up, and—” She paused as the story Sean was telling Amanda overlapped, causing her train of thought to shift rapidly. “I’m sorry, Sean, what were you saying?”
“I was just telling Amanda about the craziest date I’ve ever been on. I was seeing this guy in DC, one of those political fixer types. If anything was going on in that town at that time, he knew about it. For our second date, he took me to this placecalled the Foxhall Club—a private, members-only lounge that had an unmarked black card as the key.”
Sarah grabbed her bag from the counter and pulled the black card from where it was snugly tucked in her wallet. “Did the card look like this?” she asked excitedly, thrusting the card into Sean’s hands. Could this be the answer to Nell’s puzzle?
The Foxhall Club sounded exactly like the type of place Nell would be at, but Washington was a creative leap. Why would Nell be in DC?
Sean examined the card. “Exactly like this. Shit, Sarah, when did you become a member?” He handed it back to her.
“It’s not mine.” She glanced at Beth briefly out of habit. “A friend left it with me.”
“A friend?” Beth asked earnestly, her eyes never leaving Sarah’s.
“Yes, a friend.” She brushed Beth off because she didn’t really need to know anything about Nell, not when Sarah was still trying to figure her out. “Sean, honestly, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but thank you. I’ve been trying to figure out what that card was for weeks,” she said, her fingers already typing out a message to Nell.
Sarah 9:43 PM
Foxhall Club
When she looked up from her phone, Beth was still studying her.
She shot Beth a look. “Can you stop? It’s—” But Sarah’s attention was pulled by a new message from Nell flashing across her screen. No text, only a flight confirmation in her name to Washington, DC, leaving tomorrow. She blinked and quickly reread the message. Was Nell serious? She expected Sarah tofly across the country on a moment’s notice to... what? Go to dinner with her?