Page 55 of Breadwinner
“Come in,” she said quietly, opening the door wider to allow Sarah entrance to her bedroom. She inhaled as Sarah brushed past her, that same faint scent of warm vanilla filling her with comfort.
Sarah, to her surprise, had made herself right at home in Nell’s room, plopping down onto the bed, fluffing the pillows as she nestled in. Nell paused momentarily, unsure whether she should join Sarah or remain standing; she decided it would be awkward if she stood.
“Sure, go ahead, get comfortable,” she mused, reaching for a remote on the bedside table, turning on the gas fireplaceopposite the bed, casting a glow across the room before climbing into the bed herself.
“Don’t worry, I will.” Sarah laughed. “I need to get the name of the place you get your mattresses from. Every bed of yours I’ve been in has been so comfortable.”
Nell felt the heat rising involuntarily in her cheeks as she thought of the time in the Hamptons where she had had Sarah in her bed. “Don’t,” she warned Sarah softly.
“Your mind went there, not mine.”
Sarah rolled onto her side, and she could feel Sarah’s eyes on hers as she kept hers determinedly focused on the dancing flames in the fireplace.
“You said you wanted to talk?”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing?”
“I guess one could say that, but usually the person who initiates the conversation also supplies the topic of discussion.”
“Fair enough. Let’s talk about our ‘arrangement,’ as you keep calling it.”
That got her attention—the arrangement. Of course Sarah would want to talk about that.
“How do these usually go for you? I assume I’m not the only woman you’ve done this with?—”
“There haven’t been other arrangements, not like this,” Nell cut in.
She didn’t know what had come over her. She could have easily let Sarah continue the belief that she was merely a number in a line of women to her. But it was important that she make the correction that Sarah wasn’t just anyone to her. She rolled on her side to meet Sarah’s gaze.
“Oh.” Sarah’s eyes searched hers.
“You seem surprised by that.”
“I am. I thought this was kind of like your thing?”
Nell let out a quiet breath as she settled deeper into the mattress. Firelight cast a dim glow across Sarah’s face, bathing her in amber light.
“It’s notmy thing,” she said carefully. “Well, not entirely. The control part is because, let’s be honest, I have some control issues. But there has never been anyone like you.” She grinned slightly, but Sarah’s expression didn’t shift.
“Why me?”
If it were anyone else asking her this question, Nell would have sidestepped it with a distraction in the form of a well-timed kiss or redirected the moment with a joke. But she respected Sarah too much to do that to her. She was too smart for her usual tactics.
“Because with you, it doesn’t feel transactional. It’s not about control for control’s sake. It’s... I don’t know. You hand me the reins, and I feel”—she sighed, searching for the right word—“trusted.”
Sarah was quiet for a moment as Nell waited anxiously for her response.
“I do trust you. I trust you to take control.” Sarah let out a deep breath, rolling onto her back. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to control every little outcome. I manage expectations and always plan five moves ahead—with Lily and at work. Even with Beth.” She gave a small, tired laugh. “Especially with Beth.”
Nell listened, her fingers tracing invisible lines into the comforter between them.
“But, that control hasn’t exactly worked out in my favor, and I think it’s time I learn how to let go a little.” Sarah turned back to face her, the flicker of fire catching her eyes. “Letting go, submitting, if that’s the word we’re using, it’s been the only thing in my life recently that has made me feel like I can breathe.”
Nell swallowed at the exciting weight of Sarah’s admission and the power of that responsibility.
“When you ask me for obedience, it doesn’t feel like a demand. It feels like a relief because, for the first time, I can let go completely, knowing that I’m not going to fall. You would never let me. I like surrendering to someone I can trust not to misuse that power.”
Nell’s voice dipped. “Power can be addictive.”