Page 52 of Breadwinner
“Well then, I’m sorry to disappoint, but that isn’t what I had planned for this weekend.”
She watched Sarah’s eyes squint slightly as she processed her words, searching for any sign of disappointment, but it never came.
“It’s not?” Sarah asked, clearly puzzled by Nell’s refusal.
“No, it’s not.”
She pulled away from Sarah, returning to her abandoned knife and cutting board, suddenly unable to look her in the eye as the truth—the inconvenient truth of it all—washed overher. In planning this weekend, she had not once thought about having Sarah likethat. She had truly simply wanted her here.
Here with her.
That thought made her pause for a moment before she seized the opportunity she had created for herself.
“But,” she hummed as she corrected her tone lower, “come with me to Las Vegas in two weeks, and I promise I’ll make itmorethan worth your while.”
Sarah slid onto the stool across from her. To Nell’s surprise, she was still quiet. She could feel Sarah’s eyes on her as she resumed chopping, but she chanced a glance anyway, hazel eyes immediately catching hers.
“Can I offer an observation?” Sarah asked, over the rim of the coffee mug once again curled in her hands.
She dumped chopped asparagus into a nearby bowl, her hands continuing to busy themselves. “Always so many questions with you.”
“You did peg me as someone who likes clarity. The questions come with the territory.”
“Observe away,” Nell said, reaching for a beet next, peeling it over the trash can.
“Okay, then.” Sarah took a moment to collect the exact words she wanted to say, and Nell couldn’t help but admire how careful she always was with her words. “You’re someone who has very firm boundaries and expectations of the people around you.”
Nell nodded in agreement, running the blade of the peeler methodically over the tough beet skin.
“But how do you expect people to know what they are when you’re not clear about them?”
The peeler slowed enough for her to be sure Sarah would notice the impact of her question.
“That’s fair,” Nell said, setting the beet down and wiping her hands, but she didn’t say anything else.
Sarah took advantage of her silence. “I’m following your lead here, and when we first started this”—she gestured her hands between them—“everything felt clear, but recently it feels like you’re not quite sure where you’re leading me, and I want to make sure we’re still on the same page.”
Nell fixed her eyes on a spot on the expansive granite countertop as Sarah’s words bounced around her mind. Therehadbeen a shift since she had so confidently entered into this arrangement with Sarah. She’d thought she had done every calculation to understand the landscape of her decisions, but she hadn’t accounted for how being around Sarah would make her feel. How could someone calculate and plan for something they had never experienced before?
She rarely made miscalculations when it came to these kinds of things, yet here she was, wading deeper into a mess of her own creation.
“You told me that I have a voice and to use it with you. Consider this me following rule number one. I’m game for whateverthisis, Nell. Whatever you want from me, whatever rules you have, I’m in,” Sarah said. “However, I need a little more clarity up-front as to what I’m walking into when we see each other, because I can’t keep guessing every time. I’m too much of a perfectionist to keep guessing wrong.”
Nell let a long pause pass before she answered.
“You’re right,” she said. “I haven’t been as clear as I could be with you. Starting now, however, consider clarity of the utmost importance. My intention for this weekend was to spend time with you. Think of it as a Thanksgiving for misfits—you, me, and Nate.”
“I think you mean chosen family,” Sarah said, that intoxicating smile pulling at her lips.
Family.That word felt foreign to her.
“I find,” Nell continued, “that I like being around you outside of the arrangement I proposed. I understand you, and you understand me in ways very few people have. I can see now where I could have communicated that to you better.”
There. Clear and easy. But still, hearing herself say those words out loud, admitting that she liked spending time with Sarah beyond their arrangement, sent a shiver down her spine.
Sarah’s smile deepened. “Okay. That’s a start. Now, I’m going to go shower, and then you’re going to let me help you with all of this.” She gestured to the remaining pile of food surrounding Nell that still needed to be prepared before disappearing down the hall.
Sarah returned almost an hour later, smelling faintly of vanilla, her hair falling in loose waves that framed her freckled face. Nell had been afraid that there might be some lingering awkwardness following their earlier discussion, but if it was there, neither acknowledged it. Instead, they slid smoothly back into conversation.