Page 104 of Breadwinner
She straightened, feeling lighter than she had in years as she looked down at her father’s waxy face one last time before turning to follow Sarah back to where Nate was waiting for them.
The trio slipped into a pew at the very back of the church. The lingering scent of incense hung in the air, and from their vantage point, she could see everything. The Mass began, and she watched the sun stream through the towering stained-glass windows, casting colorful, jewel-toned light across the black-clad shoulders of the people who had gathered to honor her father.
The priest continued, and Nate began his steady stream of commentary, muttering witty one-liners under his breath. “Passion? That’s a generous interpretation of Thad’s anger...” and “I’m pretty sure that’s a line fromThe Boondock Saints.” He kept it up the entire Mass. Was it inappropriate? Absolutely, but it was exactly what she needed. In every moment of darkness in her life, Nell had always leaned on joy to get her through.
She tried, and failed, to contain her giggle before it bubbled out in a choked burst she disguised as a cough. Even Sarah’s shoulders shook with her own laughter, her hand resting gently against her thigh.
“If he quotesThe Godfathernext, I’m done,” Sarah said, low enough for her to hear as she gave her thigh a gentle squeeze.
Sarah being here today meant everything to her. Nell’s family surrounded her. Her chosen family—those who saw her without wanting to change her.
For the first time in nearly three decades, she felt a sense offreedom, like she could finally put down the last of the burden of waiting for her father’s acceptance that she had been holding on to. She had built a life on the very rejection that was meant to break her and keep her in her place. The only acceptance that had ever mattered in life was her own. She’s NellfuckingStanhope, after all—she would never change that.
When the service ended and the throng of people spilled out into the courtyard, Nell kept her head down, Nate and Sarah on either side as they made their way back to the car, but her attention was pulled by a familiar voice.
“Hey, Nell.”
She turned to see Cooper, her youngest brother, standing there, his hands jammed awkwardly in his pants pockets. He was older now, nearing forty, with a few gray strands visible in his otherwise dark, wavy hair, but his eyes still carried that same sincerity that had always set him apart from Charlie and Carter.
“We’re having a friends and family wake back at the house.” He cleared his throat. “If you and Nate and your, uh”—he glanced at Sarah, hesitating—“partner want to come by, you’re more than welcome to.”
Partner.The word settled in her. Hearing it from Cooper, even in his gentle, fumbling way, shifted something in her. His invitation lacked malice or the usual ulterior motive she was accustomed to uncovering with her family. She studied him, searching for the trap, but there wasn’t one. Cooper had always been sweet. She was glad that hadn’t changed after all these years.
“Thanks, Coop,” she said softly, “but no. We need to head back to Pennsylvania.”
Brief disappointment flashed across his face, but he nodded. “Yeah, of course. Maybe we could catch up soon?”
“Yeah, maybe,” she said, as she continued walking away, Nate and Sarah by her side.
“Let’s go for a walk,” Nell said abruptly.
They had returned from the funeral a few hours ago, and dusk was beginning to fall, covering the world in a pastel haze.
Sarah followed her, grabbing her jacket from the back of the chair and laughing as she watched Nell wiggle Mortimer into his leash and harness.
“You taking your cat on walks is so perfectly you. I’m surprised you don’t have a stroller for him.”
“I tried, but he hated it. And besides”—she pulled the laces of her boots tight before standing and smiling at her—“it was a complete pain in the ass to push on the woodchip paths.”
She held the door open for Sarah, then closed it behind them as they set out into the cool spring evening. They walked in silence for a while, arms looped together, thighs brushing ever so slightly as they moved. Mortimer trotted along beside them, occasionally pouncing on a bug here and there. Woodchips crunched beneath their feet as they walked past the stables, around the duck enclosure, and up the drive to the covered bridge.
“Is there anything more northeast than a covered bridge?” Sarah asked, as they walked up the sloping drive.
“I bought this property because of the bridge, actually. It reminded me of when Nate and I would sneak away fromboarding school and drive up to his parents’ place in Vermont to go skiing and check out girls together.” Weathered planks of reclaimed wood creaked beneath their feet as they walked across the bridge, stopping in the middle. Mortimer leaped up to perch himself in the octagonal cutout, looking out over the creek that ran under them.
“How old were you when you knew you were gay?” Sarah asked, turning to her.
“I think I was eleven the first time I really remember knowing I liked girls. I told Nate immediately, and he thought it was the coolest thing.” She laughed, the memory of that day popping into her mind.
“You two have a pretty special bond,” Sarah said.
“We do. We’ve always just gotten each other. Kind of like you and me.” She reached out, taking Sarah’s hand in hers, and squeezed gently.
Quiet hung between them as they looked out over the trickling water, and she realized that, over the past few months, quiet moments had become their thing. The comfortable space that existed between her and Sarah, where neither had to be anything other than who they were in the moment.
“I’m glad we met,” Nell said softly.
“Met? You say that like we had a chance encounter. If I recall correctly, you orchestrated our first meeting.” Sarah’s eyes sparkled in the way they always did when she was amused.