Page 95 of Breadwinner
“You like that I want something you don’t?”
“I do.” She let out a long breath as she organized everything she wanted to say to Sarah. “You make it look so easy—knowing exactly what you want and asking for it.” Her voice caught, but she pushed through. “You and I don’t think about love in the same way, but I love how you see it, even if it isn’t the type of love for me. I love how sure you are, while still encouraging me to be exactly who I am, not trying to pull me into your version of it. You make me think about connection and care, and about the many ways one can belong to someone and what that truly means. The way weloveeach other has made my world bigger than I ever imagined. None of that would have happened if you and I didn’t see love differently.”
She’d barely finished her sentence when Sarah pulled her into a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around her, enveloping her in warmth as their bodies pressed together. It took a few seconds for Nell’s body to relax into the touch, but she let herself feel the weight of Sarah as she brought her arms up to circle her waist in a hug that felt like home.
They stood like that, water lapping at the boards beneath them, just holding each other. “I don’t need to want the exact same things as you to want you in my life, Sarah,” Nell whispered into her shoulder.
Sarah’s arms dropped as she pulled back. Nell immediately missed the comfort of their bodies pressed together.
“Are you sure? Because here’s where I’m feeling like I’m stuck: I’m not interested in seeing other people right now. I’mhappy with what we have. It works for me, and, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe it works for you, too.”
Nell nodded her agreement.
“But you and I think about the future very differently. One day, I do want that romantic, once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, but I know that’s something you’re not interested in, and that kind of leaves me in this stuck place.” She let out a quick, almost embarrassed laugh, but it didn’t hide the worry that accompanied her words. “I know how that sounds, and I hate even saying it out loud because I don’t know what that means for us.”
Sarah finally looked back at her, a hint of sadness in her eyes that Nell really wished wasn’t there because there wasn’t any reason for it. She didn’t like seeing sadness in the place of the fire that usually filled Sarah’s gaze.
“Our continuing with a physical relationship...” Sarah began, reaching forward to take Nell’s hand in hers, her thumb gently rubbing over her knuckles. “Would that ruin our chance of maintaining this beautiful understanding of each other we’ve built, when we both know that one day I’m going to want something more than you can offer?”
Nell inhaled damp air as she looked out over the water, fighting her desire to reassure Sarah immediately that yes, they would be just fine if the day ever came, but she stopped herself from answering right away. Instead, she considered.
“I think we would be okay,” Nell said, after a moment. “You’ve always wanted that kind of love. I know that, and I want you to have everything you want in life. But I also need you to know that you wanting that won’t ever make me love you any less. Your place in my life isn’t dependent on whether or not we’re sleeping together. You feel like family to me. I’m not going anywhere just because you want to have your great love story one day. Like it or not, you’re stuck with me.”
Sarah’s smile was reassuring as she asked another question. “So, where does that leave us in your mind?”
Nell shook her head gently, her long braid shaking with the movement. Sarah and her questions—questions she would always do her best to try to answer for her.
“Wherever we want it to. Wherever we decide is best for us. I’m tired of relationships needing to fit so neatly in a box based on what society thinks they should be. Why can’t we just be us, and keep talking along the way to make sure we’re getting what we need? I like sleeping with you. Selfishly, I don’t want to lose out on some of the best sex I’ve ever had. You make me feel safe, and I’ve shown you sides of me that very few others have seen. When I’ve shown them to you, you’ve handled me with care and a gentleness I didn’t realize I needed.”
Sarah’s smile curved gradually, her relief clear. “I’m glad you don’t want it to stop. Neither do I. So that leaves us as... friends with benefits? I feel a little too old for that, don’t you? And you feel more important than just a friend.”
“I don’t know what to call it exactly. Do we need to get caught up in the exact label? Can’t we let this continue to be what it’s always been—the two of us having fun together?”
Sarah gave her a long moment of consideration. “You know what? I think that’s exactly what I need. I’ve spent so much time thinking about the future, what comes next, and how I get there from here, but you’ve taught me how to be in the present moment, and I think I need some more of that right now. As for the fun, we are really good at that part, aren’t we?”
They began walking back in the direction of the car, Nell linking her arm with Sarah’s. “I’d say we’re exceptional at it.”
“Okay. Let’s do it,” Sarah said, after another minute. “Just you and me doing our thing, our way.” They turned onto the street where they had parked earlier. “But no more power games. If we’re going to do this, we’re doing it as equals.”
“But I like games,” Nell said, pouting, which caused Sarah to smile.
“And you’reverygood at them.” Sarah’s tone slipped into flirtation as her words glided to her. “But I’m a little bored playing by all your rules.” Sarah’s shoulder bumped hers gently. “They were cute, by the way, but I think it’s time we make some new rules together.”
They stopped on the sidewalk in front of Sarah’s car, standing face-to-face now, close enough that Nell had to tilt her chin up slightly to meet Sarah’s gaze.
“New rules?” she asked.
Sarah’s expression shifted, the playfulness dropping from her voice. “Yeah. Our rules.” She hesitated, like she was measuring the importance of getting whatever rule she had up her sleeve right. “Rule number one: when in doubt, overcommunicate. If we’re doing this together—our version of a relationship—I want to make sure we’re on the same page as much as possible.” Sarah held her gaze, confidence replacing the sadness that had been there earlier. “Silence leads to assumptions, and assumptions turn into mistakes. I already learned what it’s like to lose someone I care about because I didn’t say the hard things soon enough. I don’t want that with you, not ever. If this thing is going to work, we need to be communicating clearly and honestly with each other.”
Nell could only nod and smile as Sarah continued.
“Rule number two: we’re physically exclusive. I feel like that one goes without saying, but as per rule number one, when in doubt, overcommunicate. If we’re doing this, exclusivity is a nonnegotiable for me. Is that agreeable to you?”
Nell felt it—that surge of warmth through her body that made her feel like she was glowing from within. “Our rules,” she repeated, liking the sound of it more and more. “I love it.” Her hand cupped Sarah’s cheek, heat spreading from the tips ofher fingers down her arm. She pushed up onto her tiptoes and pressed her lips to Sarah’s in a chaste kiss that was soft, gentle, and exactly what she needed. “It’s perfect. Just like you.”
“I think you mean just like us.” Sarah slipped her arm around Nell’s waist, pulling her closer, lips finding hers again as she deepened the kiss. “Now, what was that you were saying about getting back to having fun?” Sarah murmured against her lips, her own curving into a smile.
“That we should do it.”