Page 47 of After the Siren

He knew he should get up, should eat something, should make a cup of sweet tea. Should tell Eva something was wrong. Should call Priya. Should look at the texts he knew he’d have from Jake.

He didn’t do any of those things. He curled up instead, closed his eyes as though that could shut everything out. Listened to his own shallow breathing, the scratching at the corners of his mind.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there on the ground when there was a tap at the door.

‘Yeah?’ His voice sounded wrong.

‘Theo?’ It was Eva.

He made himself get up and take the five steps to open the door. Eva was in the hallway, looking back towards the stairs.

‘Jake’s here to see you. He said he texted.’ She looked at Theo and her eyes widened. ‘Are you alright?’

‘Fine,’ he said.

Her hand twitched, as though she wanted to reach out to him. ‘If you ...’ She hesitated. ‘If you don’t want to see him,’ she said, a little cautiously, ‘I can tell him you’re not well.’

He almost said yes. He wanted to shut the bedroom door and let her deal with it. But he wasn’t going to be that much of a coward.

‘No,’ he said. ‘No, we have some stuff to talk about.’

‘Okay,’ she said. She was looking at him like she’d put two and two together. ‘I’m going to be in a conference in the study. I’ll be in there for a while.’

‘Sure,’ Theo said. He’d deal with the knowledge and sympathy in her dark eyes later.

He took his time, as though delaying the inevitable was going to achieve anything.

Jake was standing in the living room, his hands shoved into his pockets.

He was wearing trackies and an oversized hoodie, his hair messy.

When Theo came in, Jake’s whole body swayed, like he wanted to step forward and had to hold himself back.

‘Hey,’ Theo said.

‘You lose your phone?’ It was a Jake kind of question, but he didn’t sound like himself. His eyes were wide and blue and raw.

‘Sorry.’ Theo stopped a couple of paces away from him.

Jake’s gaze dropped to his feet. ‘Are you pissed?’ he asked.

‘What?’

‘Me coming out like that. Without talking to you about it. I should’ve ... I know I should’ve talked to you about it, but it just kinda happened , and then I’d said it and I couldn’t take it back.’

‘No! No —’ Theo heard his voice crack. ‘No, I ...’ I’m a coward. I’m pathetic. I couldn’t say it. I wasn’t there when you needed me.

‘ Hey.’ Jake’s voice was soft. ‘Stavs ... Theo ... what’s going on?’

‘I ...’ Theo was not going to cry.

‘Can we talk about this in your room? Like, I wanna talk about it, but ...’ He gestured to the living room. His voice was gentle. It made it worse. Jake shouldn’t have to be gentle. Jake shouldn’t be comforting him.

‘Yeah.’ Theo led the way up the stairs, Jake padding behind him. He wanted to reach for Jake’s hand. He didn’t.

Theo realised, opening the bedroom door, that he was still wearing his training singlet and compression tights. Jake reached over to flick the light on.

‘C’mere?’ Jake asked, and Theo’s body moved before he could think about it. Jake’s arms went around him and then he could breathe again: breathe in the smell of Jake’s shampoo, his body wash, the lemongrass fabric softener Xen liked. Jake ducked his head to press his cheek against Theo’s shoulder.

‘I’m sorry,’ Theo managed. ‘I’m so fucking sorry, Jake.’

Jake took a step back so he could look up into Theo’s face. ‘Theo, what the fuck are you talking about?’

‘I should have said something. I didn’t back you up.

’ He swallowed, made himself keep going, even though he felt like he might choke on the words.

‘And even if Raze hadn’t said anything .

.. I don’t think I would have. I’m so sorry.

’ He watched Jake’s face, waiting for .. . contempt, maybe. Disappointment.

Jake reached up and cradled his face in both hands. ‘You’re a fucking idiot,’ he said.

‘What?’

‘It’d be pretty fucking hypocritical of me to be pissed because you didn’t come out. I would’ve felt guilty as fuck if you’d done it just because I had.’

‘But —’

‘But nothing. It’s fine that you weren’t ready,’ Jake said. He was closer, their lips a breath apart. ‘It’s fine, Theo.’

Theo’s mouth found Jake’s and they were kissing, one of Jake’s hands still on Theo’s cheek, the other sliding up to tangle in Theo’s hair.

Theo wasn’t sure what he needed. To be close to Jake.

To be touching Jake. He didn’t want sex, not now, not when he already felt ripped down the seams, and maybe Jake sensed that, because he kept the kisses gentle, guiding Theo back towards the bed.

Theo sat when his calves hit the mattress and Jake followed him down, pushing him back and then stretching out beside him.

Jake kissed him again.

‘I’m sorry,’ Theo said against Jake’s mouth. ‘I’m —’

Jake broke the kiss. ‘Stop saying that.’

Theo exhaled shakily. ‘Okay.’

They kissed for a long time. Gently, not building towards anything, until all the tension in Theo’s body had drained away and he felt warm and safe and absolutely exhausted.

‘Are you okay?’ Theo asked, belatedly.

Jake rolled over onto his back, one arm behind his head. ‘Yeah,’ he said, finally. ‘Yeah, it’s ... fucking weird. But I feel kinda good about it. Guess I can stop thinking about whether to do it, now I’ve done it. Gotta deal with some shit tomorrow, but it’s fine.’

‘Like what?’

‘Oh, just talk to Davo, talk to HR, that sort of stuff. I guess they wanna know if I’m gonna make an Instagram reel about liking dick.’

Theo twined their legs together. ‘Still thinking about coming out publicly?’

Jake sighed. ‘Yeah. Like, not right now, but maybe. Not necessarily making a post or something, but I guess ... not hiding it. But also’ – he tipped his head to look at Theo – ‘it might make people ask questions about us. So kinda depends where you’re at.’

‘I have no idea where I’m at,’ Theo admitted.

Jake leaned in to kiss him again, just a brush of his lips against Theo’s. ‘It’s cool,’ he said, pressing another kiss to Theo’s shoulder. ‘We can talk about it later. I reckon you need to sleep.’

‘Probably.’ Theo hesitated. ‘Stay?’

‘Yeah, ’course. Though your sister ...’

‘I’m going to tell her. If that’s okay with you. I think she’s guessed, anyway.’

‘Fine by me. You might wanna shower first, though. I’m not complaining, but ...’

Theo stayed under the shower for a while, resting his head against the glass shower wall and letting hot water run down his back. He got out, eventually, and dug out a spare toothbrush for Jake. The study door was still closed, and he decided he’d talk to Eva in the morning.

Jake went to brush his teeth then got back into bed, nudging Theo onto his side and then pressing himself up against Theo’s back. Theo wouldn’t normally have allowed it, but he was willing to concede that it did feel nice. Comforting. Jake’s arm over his chest, Jake’s chin against his shoulder.

‘Hey,’ Jake said against his ear as Theo was drifting off to sleep. ‘At least now, if we want a threesome, we know who we can ask other than Paddy. Good to have options.’

Theo elbowed him, but not very hard.

Theo woke up pressed against Jake’s back, with one of his arms wrapped around Jake’s chest. Jake took hold of his forearm and murmured discontentedly when Theo tried to move it.

Theo managed to extract himself, with some effort, and took a moment to look down at Jake, asleep in his bed. He looked good there.

Theo could hear the blender going in the kitchen and knew Eva would be up; she’d probably already gone for a run. Sure enough, she was sitting at the dining table scrolling on her phone, a half-finished green smoothie at her elbow.

Theo paused in the doorway. ‘Hey, can we chat?’

Eva looked up. She looked tired. She always looked tired these days, and Theo realised with a furl of guilt that, for all he’d wished she’d ask more about what was going on with him, he hadn’t asked about what was going on with her .

Had just accepted when she left early, and came home late, and worked weekends, because that was what their siblings did and what their parents had always done.

‘Of course. There’s coffee in the pot.’

He poured himself a cup and took it over to the table. It was one of those silver winter mornings, the weak sunlight stretching tendrils across the floorboards. He sat down and Eva raised an eyebrow.

‘Just so we’re clear, Jake is your mystery boy, right?’

‘Yes.’

‘I see the break-up didn’t stick.’

‘No.’

She nodded. ‘I’m glad. You’re serious about him.’ It wasn’t really a question.

Theo shrugged. He knew he was smiling. Knew he was giving himself away. ‘It’s still kind of new. But maybe.’

She beamed at him. ‘I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time.’

‘He’s . . . he’s pretty great.’

He saw the moment she switched into lawyer mode. ‘Are you going to tell the team?’

‘We haven’t talked about that yet. Maybe.’

She nodded, and he could tell she was making an active effort to keep from giving him useful advice. ‘Are you going to tell Ommi and Abi?’

Theo sighed. ‘Again, maybe. If we’re still together in the off-season.’

Eva took a sip of her smoothie, grimaced and set it aside. It was very green. She was thinking hard about what she wanted to say. She’d never been one to rush words.

‘You know,’ she said finally, ‘I always admired the fact that you did what you wanted. I get that it must be hard, but I’m proud of you. If that’s allowed.’

Theo swallowed. ‘It’s allowed.’

She hesitated. ‘Maybe I could talk to them? Sometimes I think you’ve all been frustrated by this for so long that none of you listen anymore.’

Theo bit back a retort and let her keep speaking. She was usually right about this sort of stuff. Unfortunately.

‘I know what they’re like,’ she continued.

‘And they definitely need to listen to you. But I think that, because they didn’t get it, you gave up trying to explain it.

That’s on them. But you might have to give a little, too.

If you do want them on board. You seem to be doing pretty well, no matter what they think. ’

Theo thought about that day on the beach months ago; thought about Jake saying, ‘Would that convince them?’ He thought about Paddy, and Xen, and Yelks, and every game he’d played this year.

Thought about being sprawled on the couch with Jake tucked up next to him, the way it felt to walk into training, the roar of the crowd as he walked up the race on game day.

‘I don’t need them to get it,’ he said, and was surprised to find it was true.

‘No matter what happens next, I’m glad I did this.

But I’d like it if they made an effort.’ He sighed.

Let something go. ‘Paddy’s parents flew out from Ireland to see his first game, you know?

They’ve never even come to one of mine. I’ll try to meet them in the middle, but I just . .. I’m not holding my breath.’

‘That’s fair,’ she said. ‘I’ll talk to them. And while we’re on the subject of annoying our parents, I’ve been meaning to tell you: I’m going to quit my job.’

‘What?’

‘I’ve had enough of being a lawyer. I’m sick of the hours, I’m sick of the work, I’m sick of the people.’

‘What are you going to do?’

She smiled. ‘Retrain as a teacher. I love the idea of teaching, and I’ve really enjoyed the bit of uni tutoring I’ve done, but it just never felt like an option.

There’s a program set up for people who want to switch to teaching, and I’m going to do that.

I know it won’t be easy, but I want to do it.

’ She grinned. ‘Maybe someone inspired me to think about what I really want.’

Theo reached across the table to take her hand. She’d been biting her nails. ‘I’m proud of you, too. If that’s allowed.’

‘It’s allowed.’

‘Hey.’ They both looked around. Jake was standing in the doorway.

He’d stolen one of Theo’s hoodies and was wearing it over his boxers.

It was big on Theo, so it came halfway down Jake’s thighs.

He looked sleepy and soft, his feet bare on the tiles.

Theo wanted to grab him and drag him straight back into bed.

‘Good morning,’ Eva said. ‘There’s coffee in the pot if you want some.’

‘Thanks.’ Jake ambled over to the counter and poured a cup. He hesitated for a second behind Theo’s chair, as though he’d been thinking about leaning down to kiss him and changed his mind. He took the chair next to Theo, nursing the coffee between his hands.

‘Now,’ Eva said, putting her glasses on. ‘I hear you want to date my little brother.’

Theo groaned and buried his head in his hands. ‘No, Eva.’

Jake grinned. ‘Yeah, I was hoping I could take him to the school disco. I’ll have him home by nine.’

‘I can probably allow it,’ she said. ‘Maybe even nine thirty. You seem like a nice young man.’

Theo snorted. He couldn’t help it. He raised his head in time to see Jake looking at him, mock-wounded.

Eva shook her head at Theo. ‘Don’t be rude to your date, Theodore.’

‘Yeah, Theodore ,’ Jake said.

‘You know what?’ Eva pushed her smoothie aside. ‘I think this calls for pancakes. What do you think?’

‘Agreed,’ Jake said. ‘I’ll help.’

Theo watched them cross to the kitchen, feeling a bit dazed. Jake had Eva laughing almost immediately as she fished ingredients out of the fridge and dug out the whisk. He looked across at Theo, grinning, and Theo smiled back.