Page 43 of After the Siren

Chapter Twenty-One

Theo arrived home to the smell of something delicious.

Eva had texted to ask if he was free for dinner, but he’d assumed they’d order takeaway.

He could hear her singing in the kitchen.

She had a lovely voice, but in high school she’d given up her singing lessons for debating and mooting.

She was singing an Egyptian pop song he hadn’t heard in years.

‘I’m home,’ he called, toeing out of his shoes and heading for the kitchen.

Eva was in front of the stove wearing an apron he’d never seen before, her hair caught back in a colourful scarf. There was a bakery box on the table, tied up in familiar pink ribbon.

‘I’m making koshari,’ she told him. ‘And there are snacks.’

She’d made fresh aish baladi and hummus.

He sat down on a kitchen stool and helped himself. ‘This looks incredible. You didn’t have to cook.’ He couldn’t believe she’d had time to cook. He’d barely seen her for at least a month; he mainly knew she was coming home in the evenings because there were rinsed dishes on the sink every morning.

‘I wanted to,’ she told him. ‘Besides, you need koshari, and mine is better than anything we could order.’

‘I need koshari?’

Eva turned to give him a look. ‘You do. You’ve been sad. You need koshari and knafeh. Luckily I’ve got both.’

She wasn’t wrong. He was sad, but he was also having to watch Jake be sad, which was much worse than dealing with his own feelings. It had been a deeply shitty ten days.

He’d been the one who made the choice. He knew it was the right one.

But that didn’t make him feel any better about it.

Asking Jake what he would have wanted if they weren’t teammates had been a terrible idea.

Because Jake had told the truth – of course he had – and now Theo couldn’t lie down to sleep without thinking about an alternate universe where he still got to see Jake’s wicked smile and wake up with all of Jake’s limbs wrapped around him.

They were still friends – Theo still got to hear Jake’s laugh, roll his eyes at Jake’s silliness, see Jake almost every day, and that was going to have to be enough.

Except Jake hadn’t laughed much since they’d called things off, and he was being meticulously careful not to touch Theo beyond a clap on the shoulder or a fist bump.

Xen would occasionally look at Jake with a worried little crease between his eyebrows.

Theo wanted to ask him if Jake was okay, but he already knew the answer.

They’d played a game the day after the .

.. talk, Theo would call it. Jake had the kind of bad performance that happened to everyone once in a while: put a good opportunity straight into the post, fumbled a couple of pick-ups, argued with an umpire and gave away a fifty.

Jake usually shrugged off bad luck, but he’d come off the field looking like he wanted to punch a wall and vanished as soon as he could.

Theo was sad, but ... fine. He was playing well.

This was what he had wanted. The ladder was tight, but the Falcons were on track to clinch a spot in the eight.

He’d been able to reduce the dosage of his meds, although he didn’t see himself coming off them entirely any time soon.

This was what he’d wanted. It proved he’d made the right call.

‘I thought we could watch some Poirot ,’ Eva suggested.

‘It’s not that bad,’ Theo assured her. ‘I promise.’ Eva didn’t find murder mysteries as relaxing as Theo did. She’d been forever scarred as a child by a particularly harrowing episode of Miss Marple.

‘My mind is made up.’

She dished up for both of them, at the kitchen counter rather than the dining table. They’d never been allowed to eat at the counter as kids. She was the type of cook who cleaned as she went, and the kitchen was warm from the stove and smelled of spices.

Theo took a bite of the koshari. It was incredible. ‘You’re right, this is better than anything we could have bought.’

‘Thank you.’ She preened a little. ‘Now, what’s going on? I’m your older sister, I’m allowed to pry. And I know it’s not work. You got seventeen disposals’ – she paused, as though not sure she’d used the right word – ‘in your last game.’

Theo dropped a spoonful of koshari back into his bowl in shock. ‘You’ve been following my games?’

‘I haven’t watched them,’ she said, as though he might be mad about it.

‘I just can’t understand them. But Rohan – one of the partners – is a big AFL fan, and he’s been giving me summaries.

’ She sighed, nudging her koshari around the bowl.

‘I’m sorry I haven’t been around more. I knew you were having a rough time when you got here, but it seemed like it was getting better, and I’ve been a bit consumed by work. It’s not an excuse, but there it is.’

‘It’s okay. I know I could have asked if I needed anything. Also, I’m living in your house for free.’

‘I’m not sure you have been living here for the last few weeks.’ She raised an eyebrow at him.

‘I was seeing someone,’ Theo admitted, fortified by the food. ‘I really liked ... them.’

‘And they broke it off?’

‘No, it was ... mutual, I guess.’

Eva was studying him in a way that reminded him a lot of Priya. ‘Do you want me to ignore the pronoun, or do you want me to ask about it? Just for the record, you know you’re still going to be my favourite little brother, no matter who you’re dating.’

He knew she wouldn’t ask if he told her not to. And maybe that was why he suddenly wanted to tell her. He took a deep breath.

‘ He was an athlete as well, and he didn’t want to come out. I don’t know if I do, either. At least not publicly. We decided to call it quits before it got messier.’

‘Oh,’ she said, her eyes widening. ‘I’m really sorry. I can see how that would make things complicated.’

‘Yeah.’

‘It seemed like he made you happy.’

‘He did.’ It hurt , knowing that she’d noticed. ‘But I can’t do anything to risk this year, you know? I’m not going to get another opportunity like this. I can’t do anything to jeopardise it.’

She nodded. ‘I get it.’ He knew she’d been dumped before by men who hadn’t liked the hours she worked. She’d been absolutely single-minded in pursuit of her career. He wanted to ask if she thought it was worth it.

‘He got it, too.’

‘Was he ... Did you know you were interested in men? Before him?’

‘I’ve known I was bi since I was about fifteen. But he was the first guy I’ve dated.’

She nodded. ‘I’m sorry if you didn’t feel like you could tell me you’re bi. Priya knows, right? You could talk to her about it?’

‘Yeah, she knows. And it wasn’t that I didn’t feel like I could tell you – I didn’t want to tell Ommi and Abi, and I didn’t want to ask you to keep it secret from them.

Then I was with Rachel, then Sarah, and it didn’t seem to matter.

I always figured I’d say something if things got serious with a guy. ’

‘I really don’t think you need to worry about them reacting badly.’

Deep down, he knew she was right. His extended family might not be accepting, but his parents had been in left-wing academic circles for years as they’d moved from practice into teaching.

They went through the motions to stay connected to their culture, but they weren’t socially conservative.

At least, not about queerness. That wasn’t really the problem.

‘It’ll be another reason I shouldn’t be playing footy though, right? Not only is it not a real job, but I’d be one of the first out queer players – assuming I did come out.’ He sighed. ‘I’m just ... I don’t want to deal with it.’

‘That’s fair. You know I won’t say anything to them.’

‘I know.’

She tilted her head towards their food. ‘Speaking of things our parents wouldn’t approve of, we could eat the rest of dinner on the couch?’

He gave her a scandalised look. ‘ Eva. The idea .’

She gathered up her bowl and the platter with the dips. ‘Come on.’

‘We really don’t have to watch Poirot . How about ...’ Theo considered. ‘We could properly go back to childhood and watch The Road to El-Dorado. ’

‘Done,’ Eva said. She paused. ‘Actually, I think I might be starting to understand why you watched that movie so many times. Also Hercules. ’

‘My interest in Hercules was completely innocent,’ Theo protested.

She paused. ‘And Pirates of the Caribbean ? There was that time I walked in —’

‘Oh my God, Eva, stop. ’ Theo had almost forgotten that incident, and wished he hadn’t been reminded.

‘Bring the knafeh,’ she ordered.

‘Yes, ma’am.’

Theo stared at the blinking cursor. He’d managed Dear Abi and Ommi and stopped.

Maybe he should just ring them. But the thought of calling – of having to be on the line for whatever their initial response was – made his stomach churn.

He didn’t think they’d have a problem with him being bisexual, but he also didn’t think it had ever occurred to them that he might be.

He didn’t want a box seat for their surprise, or incredulity, or whatever their first reaction might be.

Writing an email had been a suggestion from Jenny – not about his sexuality, he still hadn’t told her anything about that, but she’d floated the idea of him raising some of his feelings about his family and his football in an email rather than in person.

She said it would allow him to ‘set clear boundaries’ about their response. He’d been mulling that over.

He called Priya after a few more minutes of staring at the screen.

She’d taken a two-week holiday in some lush mountain cabin and had been keeping him updated with observations about the scenery, the people in the other cabins, and her reading material.

She liked to set a reading theme for holidays, and this time it was tentacles .

It had led to a very varied selection of books.

‘What’s up?’ she asked. Theo could hear jazz playing in the background.

‘Nothing urgent, if you’re busy.’

‘I am so far from busy.’ She sounded very pleased about it. ‘I am lying in front of the fire with a whiskey and a book. I have never been less busy.’

‘Sounds idyllic.’

‘I needed it so badly. I have not checked my emails once. I am thriving.’

‘Do you feel like thriving while helping me with something?’

‘Of course.’

‘I’m thinking about coming out to my parents.’

‘Wow.’ There was a moment of silence. ‘Why now? Because it went well with Eva?’

Theo tapped his finger absently against the space bar. ‘Maybe. I don’t really know. I’m not going to do it today. I’ve just been thinking how I’d do it.’

‘Or is this because of Jake?’ That was Priya – right for the jugular.

He leaned back in his chair. ‘I guess what happened with Jake made me think more about the fact I hadn’t told them. And why I hadn’t told them.’

‘So what’s the plan?

‘I’m writing an email.’

‘How’s that going?’

‘How do you think?’

Her laugh was sympathetic.

‘It’s weird . How do you tell people something like that? Hi, how are you? I’m bisexual. Love, Theo. ’

‘That would get the job done.’

‘I feel like I need to tell them why I’m telling them now.’

Priya made a thoughtful noise. ‘Do you? I mean, I don’t think you owe them a big explanation or anything. You could just say it’s important to you that they know and leave it at that.’

‘They’re going to ask how long I’ve known.’

‘Maybe,’ Priya acknowledged. ‘But you could just say something simple, right? Like, I’ve known for a long time, but haven’t felt ready to share it. And if they want to interrogate you, you can say you don’t want to talk about it.’

‘I think they’ll be hurt I didn’t tell them earlier.’

‘I don’t think that’s a you problem.’

‘It might become a me problem.’

‘Why don’t you enlist Eva? We work out what you want to say, then you talk to Eva about what you don’t want them to say, and she talks to them and lays down some ground rules.’

It was a good idea. ‘That might work.’

‘Are you going to tell your whole family?’

‘If I tell my parents, I’ll also tell Simon and Alisa. And I think I’d tell them not to keep it a secret. It can just sort of – trickle out to the extended family. I’m not telling everyone individually, that would take years.’

There was a rustle of fabric. ‘I’m getting another drink. Go make a cup of tea and get a snack. We’ve got some brainstorming to do.’

Theo got to his feet. ‘Aye aye, Captain.’ He left his phone on speaker on his desk and went down to the kitchen. He thought about Priya’s question as the kettle boiled. Why now?

Talking to Eva about Jake (even without using Jake’s name) had made him feel closer to her than he had in years.

They hadn’t talked about it again that night, they’d just watched movies until they were both yawning and stuffed full of knafeh, but afterwards there’d been an ease between them he couldn’t remember feeling before.

He’d let her in, and he was glad he had.

Had taken the risk that she wouldn’t react the way he wanted her to.

Maybe he needed to do the same with his parents.

The conflict about his footy had resolved into a silent stalemate, and that silence had crept into everything else.

He’d stopped talking to them about anything he cared about.

There was nothing wrong with self-preservation, but it wasn’t fair to behave as though they’d react the same way to everything.

He didn’t owe them the truth about his sexuality, but he wanted to tell them.

He wanted them to know him, properly, even if they didn’t always understand him.

By the time he’d made his tea and returned to his desk, he had a plan.

‘I’m back,’ he told Priya. ‘But I think I’ve worked it out. Your services are not required.’

She sighed. ‘I’m still taking the credit.’

‘That’s fair, you did suggest the tea. Enjoy your drink.’

‘I will. Text me if you need anything.’

‘Will do.’