Page 42 of After the Siren

Neither of them said anything as they found their clothes. Jake wasn’t a stranger to awkward post-coital silence, but this one was particularly bad. He managed to find his shorts and singlet. He had no idea where his underwear was, and he wasn’t going to crawl around bare-assed looking for it.

He got back onto the bed and leaned against the headboard. Stavs joined him. He’d buttoned his shirt wrong and his hair was still messy from Jake’s fingers. Jake had no idea what he was going to do. What he was going to say.

‘What did Kat say?’ Stavs asked.

‘She said ...’ Jake hesitated. He wasn’t sure if there was a tactful way to summarise. ‘She said that if there was something going on between us, we should make sure we were okay with the potential consequences.’

‘Meaning?’

‘Like, if we ...’ He couldn’t say break up , because they weren’t together. ‘You know, if it affected our game. If something happened and we couldn’t work together. Or if someone in list management found out and had concerns about it.’

Stavs had been smiling, earlier. Smiling against Jake’s mouth. There was none of that smile left on his face. He looked a bit nauseous. ‘What would happen to me, you mean. You’re not going anywhere.’

What was Jake supposed to say to that? It was true and they both knew it.

‘Kat said she’d have our back. But she’s not in charge.’

Stavs was toying with the hem of his shirt, twisting the fabric between his fingers. ‘You should have told me,’ he said. ‘It’s been a week, Jake.’

Jake forced himself to look Stavs in the eye. ‘I know, I’m really sorry. I was trying to find the right moment. I just didn’t want ...’

Had he just done to Stavs what Kyle had done to him? Fucked him on false pretences? Hung on to something, knowing it was over?

‘This year is really important for my career,’ Stavs said. Almost like he wanted Jake to disagree. ‘I can’t risk doing anything that might fuck it up.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Jake waited for the blow to land.

‘We need to stop,’ Stavs said.

Jake had known it was coming, so why did it hurt as though it was a surprise? Stavs was doing well. He was having exactly the break-out season he needed to have. Even if Stavs did have feelings – and Jake was pretty sure he did – he had to put footy first.

Jake understood. It was the same decision he had made at the end of last year. Although if this was karma’s way of making him understand how Kyle had felt, it fucking sucked.

Jake wished he could read Stavs more easily. He’d been getting better at it, but now he couldn’t tell what Stavs was thinking.

‘Okay,’ Jake said, swallowing. ‘Yeah.’

He was doing a piss-poor job of sounding okay about ending things.

‘Jake ...’ Stavs reached out and took Jake’s hand. He hesitated, closed his eyes. Opened them again. ‘Would you want this to be more? If we weren’t teammates?’

Jake should probably lie. Wouldn’t it be easier for both of them if he lied? But he didn’t want to lie. Not to Stavs, not now.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘But we are teammates. I’m not gonna – there’s no point thinking about it.’

‘Yeah. You’re right.’ Stavs squeezed his hand, then let it go. ‘But we’re still friends, right?’

‘Duh. Just don’t be a fucking weirdo again,’ Jake told him.

Stavs leaned over and kissed him. A gentle brush of his lips. He pressed his forehead against Jake’s, lingering for a second. ‘I promise.’

‘Good.’

Jake had had his heart broken before. He’d let Kyle fuck him, knowing it was the last time, and then he’d watched Kyle walk away, trembling with rage and grief and the fucking unfairness of it all.

This was quiet, and gentle, and worse.

Stavs found his phone and his keys and left. Jake let himself slide off the bed and thump down onto the floor. It was for the best, he told himself. He’d get over it. He’d gotten over people before. Or, at least, one person.

It just sucked . He’d found someone he – well, what was the point in even thinking about what word he should use? He’d found someone he wanted for a boyfriend, he was seriously thinking about coming out, and it still wouldn’t fucking work.

His mum always said, ‘You don’t do the right thing because it makes you feel good, you do it because it’s the right thing to do.

’ Telling Stavs had been the right thing to do.

Stopping what they were doing had been the right thing to do.

He’d told Stavs the truth, and Stavs had walked away. Which was fine. Footy first.

Jake

u free? can we talk?

Debbie

of course, I’ll call you.

‘Hey sweetie,’ Debbie said, as soon as he picked up. ‘Everything okay?’

‘Stavs and I broke up,’ he told her, feeling like his throat was closing up.

Because that was what had happened, even if they hadn’t given it the right name.

Stavs had been sleeping in his bed every second night.

There was tahini in the fridge. A toothbrush for Stavs in his bathroom.

He’d taken Stavs to the place he loved most in the world, to meet the people he loved most in the world.

‘Oh, Jake,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Me too.’

He couldn’t get any more words out. But he didn’t need to. He just sat on the floor, on the phone, breathing and listening to his mum breathe. She didn’t need to say anything either. She was there, and that had always been enough.

Except she might not be, soon. There wasn’t any bad news, not yet, but there could be. He tried to choke back a sob and couldn’t. There were tears on his cheeks, but he couldn’t remember when he’d started crying.

‘Jake?’ she said. ‘Are you alright?’

He couldn’t speak. He knew he must be freaking her out – he must sound like he was dying – but he couldn’t stop crying.

It was like the safety glass that had kept him from thinking about his mum had shattered into a million pieces.

Maybe next time he broke up with someone he wouldn’t be able to call her.

Wouldn’t be able to hear her voice and feel safe.

Loved. There wouldn’t be a home to go to that was a place, and a feeling, but was mainly her – practical and indomitable, someone who took up so much space it was impossible to imagine a world without her.

‘I’m texting Xen,’ she said, and Jake couldn’t get the words out to tell her not to.

The door opened and then Xen was there, kneeling down and pulling Jake into his arms. Jake buried his face in Xen’s shoulder and let himself cry. Xen gently took the phone out of his hand.

‘I’ve got him,’ he said to Debbie. ‘We’ll look after him. I’ll get him to call you later.’

‘Sorry, Mum,’ Jake managed.

Xen put the phone down and wrapped both his arms around Jake, holding him close. ‘You’re going to be okay,’ he said. Not it’s going to be okay. Because they both knew it might not be.

Jake gave up on getting his shit together and let himself cry, Xen rubbing soothing circles between his shoulder blades.

‘What —’ Paddy’s voice, then footsteps. Another set of arms around him. It felt good to be held like this, close and warm. Even if they weren’t the arms he really wanted.

‘Hey,’ Paddy said. He kissed Jake on the top of the head. ‘We’re here.’

‘Thanks,’ Jake managed, his cheek still pressed against Xen’s t-shirt. Xen’s damp t-shirt, now. ‘Sorry.’

‘Better out than in,’ Paddy told him.

Jake managed to lift his head. ‘You usually say that when someone’s vomiting.’

‘It’s good advice in a range of situations.’

Jake felt like someone had grabbed him with both hands and wrung him out. They had a game tomorrow. He couldn’t imagine managing to play a quarter, let alone a whole game.

‘Can we watch a movie or something?’ He didn’t want to be alone, or to think.

‘Of course,’ Xen said. ‘And I was making pot roast.’

‘You’re the best,’ Jake said. He let Paddy pull him to his feet.

‘Do I need to go and break Stavs’ legs for breaking your heart?’ Paddy asked.

‘No!’

‘Are you sure?’

‘No, we ... I mean, it was mutual.’

Paddy looked at him, incredulous. ‘Are you serious?’

‘It’s ... complicated. Can we not talk about this now?’

Paddy sighed. ‘Fine. Come on, you need some carbs.’