Page 45 of After the Siren

Jake had been sent to hospital as a precaution. He’d been discharged once Theo and Xen arrived and promised that they’d keep an eye on him, keep him fed and watered, and stop him from looking at screens. The Registrar had repeated the latter instruction several times.

Xen and Paddy hadn’t asked why Theo had been the one to sit with Jake while they waited for an update, why he’d been the one to get Jake’s keys, why he hadn’t left Jake except to take the world’s shortest shower.

Theo had expected to be the subject of a solid chewing-out from Davo, and then a quiet talk from Yelks.

Instead, Davo had sat him down and asked, very seriously, whether he was alright.

He’d managed to explain that yes, he was, and no, that wasn’t how he’d normally react on the field, but it had been a very nasty hit.

Luckily the hit had been so egregious that nobody seemed to think it was surprising that Theo had lost his shit.

That was good, but it didn’t solve Theo’s problem.

He hadn’t lost his shit because Jake was his friend.

Yes, he would have gotten into anyone who’d hit Paddy like that, or Xen, or any of his teammates, but it wouldn’t have felt the same.

He wouldn’t have tried to punch someone in the face.

If Paddy hadn’t stopped him, it would have been an eight-week suspension.

It might have been the end of things with the Falcons.

He’d thought about that while sitting with Jake, holding a bucket for him while he threw up. He’d thought about it while Jake leaned on him on the way back to the car, unsteady on his feet and trusting Theo to support him. It was the closest they’d been in a fortnight.

There were sensible decisions and career planning, and then there was the warmth of Jake against his side, the way Jake had nestled closer, too tired to pretend he didn’t want to.

The way it had felt right to be the person waiting with Jake, the person who knew where he kept his keys, the person who took the doctor’s written sheet of instructions and promised to take care of him.

Jake had been lucky, the doctor had said. He was going to be miserable, but it was his first bad concussion (somehow), and the doctor hadn’t seemed too worried.

Theo knew, objectively, that AFL careers were short.

That had been hammered into him. He’d be lucky to still be playing at thirty.

A bad hit, some bad luck, and he’d be gone before then.

He’d given up Jake as though that could somehow guarantee his professional longevity.

As though being with Jake was inevitably the end of his career.

As though it was as simple as Jake or footy, pick one.

Theo steered Jake towards his bedroom, then changed his mind and nudged him gently onto the couch. ‘Stay here, I’m going to make your bed.’

Jake looked up at him, belligerent. ‘Who says I didn’t make it?’

‘Data.’

Theo made the bed in record time and returned to the patient. Jake was lying back on the couch and looking miserably around the living room. Xen and Paddy had distracted him with a short rundown of the melee, but retreated to the kitchen when Theo reappeared.

‘Xen won’t show me the video of the fight,’ Jake complained. Then added, ‘I can’t believe you tried to punch on.’

Theo decided to ignore the last part. ‘Good. You’re not supposed to be looking at screens. Stay there, I’m going to get you some water and something to eat.’

‘I’m not hungry.’

‘Tough.’

Jake pouted. It figured he’d be the world’s worst patient.

Paddy was perched at the kitchen counter, eating the proteinpowder-based horror he described as ice-cream. Xen was defrosting something in the microwave.

‘Chicken soup,’ he explained.

‘Great.’

‘How’s the patient?’ Paddy asked.

‘Grumpy.’

‘I can hear you,’ Jake said from the living room. ‘You’d be fucking grumpy, too.’

‘You’re the new favourite, Stavs,’ Paddy said.

‘What?’ Theo put on some toast.

‘The fans. You’re their new favourite.’ He cleared his throat. ‘“I take back every bad thing I ever said about Bestavros. He’s my hero. About time somebody stood up for @jcjk9.”’

‘I tried to punch someone in the face. It was a bad thing to do.’

‘Nah,’ Paddy said. ‘It was the right thing to do.’

‘You stopped me,’ Theo pointed out.

‘You would’ve broken your hand and gotten suspended for ages.

’ He paused, still scrolling. ‘They get better. “Bestavros can punch me in the face any time.” “Bestavros could hit me with his car and I’d thank him.” “My girlfriend and I have agreed that Bestavros is our hall pass.” “Against all violence except the righteous violence of Theo Bestavros.”’

Theo managed a smile. Maybe he’d find them funnier in the morning.

‘Are you okay, Stavs?’ Xen asked, taking the soup out of the microwave. It smelled excellent, and Theo’s stomach growled. ‘You want some?’

‘If there’s some going. And yeah, I’m good.’ It was a lie, and Xen probably knew it was a lie, but Theo wasn’t going to talk to Xen and Paddy about it. He needed to talk to Jake about it.

Theo took two serves of soup and toast into Jake’s bedroom on a tray – God knows why Xen owned a tray like they were in a period drama – and then helped Jake off the couch and onto his bed.

It was like manhandling a helpless and very sulky kitten.

If Jake had been able to go limp and dangle resentfully in Theo’s grasp, Theo was sure he would have.

There wasn’t anywhere to sit except the bed, so Theo dragged in a dining chair and used the nightstand as a table.

He wanted, desperately, to get on the bed next to Jake.

To wrap an arm around him and pull him close.

He wanted to bury his face in Jake’s hair and know he was safe and warm and alright.

His skin would smell of the locker-room body wash Tenders had bought as a joke – mango and coconut.

He’d asked Jake what he’d want if they weren’t teammates. But he hadn’t asked Jake what he wanted outright. Maybe because he already knew, and he’d known he wouldn’t be able to hear it and stick to his guns.

Jake took a spoonful of soup. Theo had never seen him look less enthusiastic about food.

‘I’m sorry,’ Theo said. Which was absolutely a cop-out.

Jake looked up. ‘For what?’

‘For losing my shit. We said we’d stop hooking up because we didn’t want to risk something like this happening, and then I did it anyway.’

‘I don’t know why you’re apologising to me. You’re the one who could have been suspended.’

‘You could have been seriously hurt!’ Theo said. ‘Punching Collins might have been worth it.’

He was, rationally, glad Paddy had stopped him. But not all of him was rational. Some part of him still wished he’d been able to punch Jamie Collins in the jaw, damn the suspension and the broken hand.

Priya liked to ask what’s the worst that could happen?

She really meant it, too. She wanted you to take the worst-case scenario and examine it from every angle.

So he did. A worst-case scenario: they were together, then they broke up, and Theo got traded to somewhere awful. Or not at all and his career was done.

It was a risk.

Another risk: he could give up the chance of something with Jake, something good , and watch him fall in love with someone else.

And maybe one day Theo would be at Jake Cunningham’s buck’s party, drinking a daiquiri through a penis-shaped straw, and watching Jake’s whole face light up with the thought of someone other than Theo.

Jake smiling at someone else the way Jake smiled at him.

He could give Jake up and, a year later, break his leg.

He could lose footy any number of ways. And he was going to give Jake up without even trying ?

Give Jake up the way he’d never given up footy, because he loved footy, and he’d been willing to fight for it?

Give Jake up because sometimes his anxious brain shouted loudly enough to make him believe his worries and insecurities were certainties?

Fuck that.

‘I ...’ he started to say.

Jake had been staring into the soup. ‘Yeah?’ He took another disconsolate spoonful of broth.

‘I didn’t ask you what you wanted.’

Jake looked up, then. His eyes were very blue. ‘What?’

‘I asked you if you’d want more if we weren’t teammates. But I didn’t just ask what you wanted.’

Jake put the spoon down. ‘What do you mean?’ he said.

‘What would you have said, if I’d just asked what you wanted?’

He looked away. ‘I would’ve said I don’t wanna be the person who ruins this for you.’

‘You know that’s not what I mean.’

‘It’s true.’ Jake still wouldn’t look at him. ‘I know how important this year is to you.’

‘Okay, answer this, then. Do you want to be with me?’

Jake closed his eyes. ‘That’s not fair. You already know the answer.’

Theo reached out to take Jake’s hand. ‘Tell me.’

Jake looked at him, and that made Theo’s throat tighten. With hope, maybe. ‘Yeah, I do. But I know —’

Theo tangled their fingers together. ‘I want that too.’

‘But we said —’

‘I know what we said. We were wrong. Or I was, at least. I know it’s a risk.

It could go wrong. But it also might not, and I don’t want to throw away something good because there’s a risk of something bad happening in the future.

I mean, if you don’t want anything serious —’ he stopped, because Jake was shaking his head.

‘I do,’ he said. ‘Want something serious.’ He was still looking at Theo intently, like he couldn’t quite believe the words coming out of Theo’s mouth. ‘If you do.’

‘I do.’

‘Stavs, are you sure I’m ... are you sure it’s worth it?’

‘You’re worth it,’ Theo told him.

Jake smiled, then, grey with exhaustion and sporting a blossoming black eye. That smile was the best thing Theo had ever seen.

‘C’mere,’ he said, tugging at Theo’s hand.

Theo tipped his head towards the bowl. ‘Not until you eat some more of your soup.’

Jake narrowed his eyes. ‘I’ll have some more of the soup if you come here.’

They reached a compromise, whereby Theo got onto the bed and wrapped an arm around Jake, but Jake continued to eat until most of the soup was gone. He put the bowl aside, then sat up and turned to straddle Theo’s lap. Theo put his hands on Jake’s hips.

‘So, to recap,’ Jake said, his smile shifting into a grin. ‘You like me.’

Theo tightened his grip on Jake’s hips. ‘I’m not thirteen years old.’

‘I get it,’ Jake said, his hands settling on Theo’s shoulders. ‘I’m pretty great.’

‘You’re insufferable,’ Theo told him.

It was hard to sound convincing with Jake in his lap, smiling at him like that. Jake tucked his cheek against Theo’s shoulder and sighed.

‘You’re just going to leave me hanging?’ Theo said against his hair.

‘Don’t worry.’ Jake’s breath was warm against Theo’s neck. ‘I’ll be your boyfriend if you ask nicely.’

‘I don’t know if you can agree to that with a concussion,’ Theo said. Jake’s lips brushed the side of his throat and he tried not to shiver. ‘Don’t do that.’

‘Can’t I kiss my boyfriend?’ Jake pressed a kiss under Theo’s ear. He wriggled in his lap, and Theo decided that the situation needed to be controlled before it got out of hand.

‘No,’ he said, firmly, rolling Jake carefully off his lap and onto the pillows. ‘You have a concussion. You need to rest.’

Jake pouted up at him. ‘I’m not sleepy, and I’m bored.’

‘Life is hard.’

‘I want my phone.’

‘No.’

Xen had initially taken possession of Jake’s phone – he’d called Debbie to let her know Jake was alright – and then he’d delivered it into Theo’s custody.

‘I can read to you?’

Theo half expected Jake to scoff, but instead Jake just blinked at him. ‘Read what?’

‘A book.’

Jake looked mulish. ‘No shit. What book?’

Theo had expected instant rejection of the idea. Jake didn’t have any books in his room, so Theo went out to the living room to search for something appropriate.

Xen was on the couch with headphones on. He looked up when Theo came in. ‘He good?’

‘Yeah. Do you have something I could read to him?’

Xen smiled. For a moment, Theo thought he looked a bit wistful. ‘Sure, what do you want?’

‘Something soothing?’

‘Well, Paddy has a lot of thrillers and books about music, so probably not those. There’s some random stuff out here.’ Xen waved at the bookcase next to the TV. It was mainly full of things that weren’t books, but there were a few shoved onto one of the top shelves.

Theo made a selection and returned to Jake’s bedroom.

Jake was in the process of making a nest out of the covers.

After some careful manoeuvring, and a lot of grumbling from Jake, they ended up with Jake settled back on the pillows and Theo arranged with the book in one hand and the other hand free to stroke Jake’s hair.

‘What’s the book?’ Jake asked.

‘Never you mind, just listen.’ Theo cleared his throat. ‘Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her.’

‘Are you trying to make a point?’ Jake murmured. But he didn’t tell Theo to stop.

Jake was falling asleep by the end of the first chapter. Theo put the book aside and settled in next to him. Jake immediately turned and tucked his face into Theo’s chest.

‘We’re not going to sleep like this,’ Theo warned. He’d never been able to sleep while someone else used him as a pillow. Spooning – as the big spoon – was where he drew the line.

‘Speak for yourself.’ Jake nestled closer.

Theo sighed.

‘You have to be nice to me,’ Jake said. ‘I’m your boyfriend. And I’m injured .’

‘Is that how it works?’ Theo realised he was not helping his argument by continuing to stroke Jake’s hair.

‘Yeah.’

‘I guess I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had a boyfriend before.’

‘I’ve never had one like you before,’ Jake said, so softly that Theo wasn’t sure he’d meant for Theo to hear.

Theo didn’t say anything in reply, just kept stroking Jake’s hair until his breathing evened out. If it turned out he could fall asleep like this after all, at least Jake wouldn’t be awake to be smug about it.