Page 35 of After the Siren

‘Wetsuits, bro,’ Jake said. ‘No stress if you’ve got shit on here. It’ll be fun, though.’ It occurred to him, too late, that Stavs might read too much into the invitation. ‘Paddy, Xen and I usually go down for a few days when we can.’

Jake was pretty sure Stavs was going to refuse. He didn’t know why the thought made something in the vicinity of his stomach sink.

‘Sure,’ Stavs said instead. ‘Sounds great.’

Theo walked across the foyer feeling sick with dread. Was it too late to bail? Probably. The tug towards saying sorry, family stuff had been growing stronger every minute since he’d started packing an overnight bag.

They’d been hooking up for four weeks, and despite Priya’s scepticism, he thought he was doing pretty well at the casual-sex thing.

He mainly just followed Jake’s lead. Jake had an uncanny ability to switch from we’re bros watching this game to I’m going to make you come so hard you see God.

Theo had decided he just needed to roll with it.

There was a corner of his brain that insisted that whatever version of casual they were doing looked a lot like couple , but it wasn’t like that.

Having a toothbrush at Jake’s place was just practical, and he hadn’t asked Xen to add him to the house group chat used for messages like coffee?

, where the fuck is the remote? and some of us are trying to sleep.

(He tried to be quiet, he really did, but sometimes Jake didn’t. Or sometimes Jake tried really hard, and that was the problem.)

Eva had asked a couple of times whether he was seeing someone. She hadn’t looked very convinced by his ‘Sometimes it’s easier to crash with the boys.’

His thoughts snagged, every now and again, on the conversation they’d had the afternoon Jake had shown him the messages he’d been getting.

Jake would come out. Theo wasn’t sure how he knew it, but he did.

Something in the way Jake had looked when he’d talked about it.

Jake would come out, and then he could date whoever he wanted.

And it wasn’t as though he was going to have any trouble finding people to date. He’d be fending them off.

Theo knew Jake liked him – he didn’t doubt they were really friends – and there was no doubt Jake was attracted to him.

But the fact of the matter was that, at the moment, Jake didn’t have many options.

What they were doing made sense. It was ridiculous for Theo to experience pangs of jealousy about the idea of Jake coming out, because it wasn’t as though Theo had suggested they make things official.

It had been very easy to say yes to Jake’s suggestion they spend the bye weekend together on Phillip Island, because it was easy to say yes to everything Jake suggested, especially in bed.

He regretted it now. It felt ... it felt like too much.

That was probably stupid. Paddy and Xen would be there, and apparently Jake’s friend Keeley would be around, but it was still a meeting of the parents.

Theo was typically good with parents, but he’d never met the parents of his friend-with-benefits before. If that was the right term.

All the small logistical things had combined into a rolling snowball of anxiety: where he’d be sleeping, how to behave with Jake, how much privacy they’d have, whether Jake’s mum and Lydia knew he was a vegetarian.

And, yes, he should just ask Jake these questions, but he didn’t want Jake to see how caught up he got on little things.

Having a panic attack was one thing, but admitting that he couldn’t stop thinking about the minute details of what was supposed to be a chilled-out weekend was different.

He wished he could flick an off switch on parts of his brain. Things were better, most days. The meds helped, Jenny helped, and a lot of the time the anxiety was a background hum rather than a roar.

Most days.

Some days just sucked, and no matter how many times he told himself they’re just thoughts , he couldn’t make his nervous system agree. There was no rhyme or reason to it. He could have a great game and then wake up the next day with a disjointed sense of unease.

He could still bail. It wasn’t as if Jake would have to go alone; Paddy and Xen would be there. They were taking a separate car, because apparently two cars were necessary.

He pushed open the door to the gym and froze.

Jake had gotten into the habit of working out at the same time as Gabby, Dex and Drips once or twice a week.

Theo didn’t recognise the song that was playing, but Jake was dancing with Gabby next to the weight racks, both of them laughing, while Dex cackled and tried to hold their phone steady to capture it on camera.

Drips was egging them both on. Gabby sat down on a weight bench and beckoned Jake closer.

Jake stepped in between her thighs and stole her baseball cap, putting it on backwards.

If he’d been asked, Theo would have guessed that Jake couldn’t slut drop. He would have been wrong.

Drips wolf-whistled, and Dex actually dropped their phone. Gabby was laughing so hard she almost fell off the bench and had to grab Jake for support. The song faded out and Theo recognised the first bars of Beyoncé’s ‘Partition’ – that one he did know. Obviously Jake was in charge of the playlist.

Drips caught sight of Theo first and waved. ‘Hey, Stavs, you’re late for the show.’

Jake turned, smiling. ‘Hey,’ he said, and for a second Theo felt like he was choking on his own heart.

‘I think I caught the best bit,’ Theo said, walking over.

Jake grinned at him, skin sheened with sweat from his workout, his eyes dancing with laughter. ‘Bet you haven’t got moves like that.’ He winked.

Instead of saying I don’t really dance , Theo’s mouth opened without him giving it permission and he said, ‘I have moves you can’t even imagine.’

Drips snorted. ‘Shots fired.’

Jake rolled his eyes. ‘All bark, no bite,’ he declared.

‘Yeah, come on, Stavs,’ Dex said. ‘Gotta back it up.’

‘Jaze certainly did,’ Gabby said.

‘I’ll dance with you,’ Drips volunteered. ‘I promise I won’t try to cop a feel.’

Theo underwent his second out-of-body experience in half a minute and grabbed the hat from Jake. ‘Sure.’ He put the hat on – sideways, obviously – and Jake dropped back onto the weight bench next to Gabby, grinning.

The joke was on Jake, though, because Theo could dance. His sisters had had a long Dance Dance Revolution phase, and he’d spent a lot of time dancing with Priya at clubs and parties. Priya had a great sense of rhythm and did not tolerate half-measures.

He didn’t want to get closer to Drips than she was comfortable with, but she made it clear almost immediately that she was game to get cosy in pursuit of the bit.

He was trying to keep his face serious, which was just making it harder not to laugh.

Then he glanced across at Jake, who was staring incredulously, and couldn’t hold it back. He managed to keep dancing, though.

‘Oh my God,’ Dex said, nudging Drips out of the way. ‘I want a turn.’

So, Theo danced with Dex, then with Gabby.

Then Jake shouldered Gabby out of the way and they were dancing together, Theo trying not to just stare into Jake’s eyes, trying not to run his hands down Jake’s sweat-slick biceps.

Jake was, of course, outrageous. Theo was going to murder him for the way he was jokingly grinding against Theo, as though that wasn’t likely to cause Theo problems.

The door opened again and they turned to see Yelks and Tenders in the entrance, gaping. That did it. Theo lost it, grabbing onto Jake as he doubled over with laughter. Jake was no better, and Gabby was actually on the floor, curled into a ball.

‘I’m not going to ask,’ Yelks said, over the beginning of ‘WAP’ . Theo thought about turning the music off, but technically whoever got to the speakers first had dibs. He was sure Yelks had heard worse. He and Tenders retreated to the far corner of the gym, and they both had headphones on.

The workout was clearly over. Jake dropped down to the ground to stretch with the others and Theo joined them. There could never be too much stretching.

‘This song is a public service,’ Dex observed. ‘Swiping your nose like a credit card.’ They looked pointedly at Jake and Theo.

‘Not really my area of expertise,’ Jake said casually from his hamstring stretch. Dex’s eyebrows drew together, and Theo knew exactly what they were thinking. Then Jake said, ‘I don’t mind when it hits the back of my throat, though.’

There was a brief moment of silence. Theo couldn’t breathe. He felt a rush of something that might have been pride.

‘Do you mean ...’ Gabby started, carefully.

‘Yeah,’ Jake said, like it was something he told people all the time. He shot a glance at Yelks and Tenders, but they were both on bikes and facing the other way. ‘I’m, uh, gay.’

Drips rolled close and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. ‘Awesome. Thanks for telling us.’

Then the other two piled on top so Jake was at the bottom of an enthusiastic and sweaty group hug. They disentangled themselves eventually. For all the grinning Jake did, Theo wasn’t sure he’d ever seen that exact smile before.

Gabby glanced at Theo, something a little measuring in her eyes. He swallowed. He knew he didn’t have to say it. But if he did say it, Gabby, at least, was going to work out what was going on between him and Jake.

‘I guess, while we’re talking about it ... I’m also queer,’ he said, before he could change his mind. ‘I’m bi.’

‘I fucking love this,’ Drips said. ‘This is great. I love you both.’ She held out her fist for Theo to bump. ‘Except I love you more, because bi rep.’

Jake glared at Theo. ‘First the dancing, now you’re one-upping me while I’m coming out. ’

‘Maybe if you’re lucky he’ll make it up to you later,’ Gabby said, with a grin eerily reminiscent of Paddy’s.

‘I regret my choices,’ Jake said, clambering to his feet. ‘And we should get a move on.’