Page 40 of After the Siren

Jake almost got on his hands and knees, almost chickened out of doing this face to face, but Stavs had asked , and Stavs didn’t ask for much. So he let Stavs cover him with his body and reached down to help guide him in.

Stavs went slow, and Jake exhaled, letting his body relax into it. It was quite a lot to take. Stavs was breathing hard, holding himself back.

‘Are you okay?’ Stavs asked when his hips were flush against Jake’s body.

‘So okay. You?’

‘Nearly too okay,’ Stavs said, in a voice that didn’t sound like his own. That made Jake laugh a little. It was nice to know he wasn’t the only one who was struggling to keep it together.

‘Don’t do that,’ Stavs gasped, which made Jake laugh again. ‘Fucking menace, ’ Stavs said, and gave his hips an experimental roll.

Jake stopped laughing, then, and groaned instead as Stavs thrust again, still careful. He ran his hands down Jake’s ribs, gently, like Jake needed reassurance. Maybe he did, a little.

‘More,’ Jake said. Maybe a little sooner than he should have.

‘I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘Every second you’re not fucking me properly is hurting me.’

Stavs kissed him, and then he was moving, slowly at first, finding a rhythm.

Jake let him work it out. It didn’t take him long to get it right, to find the angle that made Jake shudder and clutch at Stavs’ shoulders.

Stavs had broken the kiss and was watching him.

Jake closed his eyes because it was too much, but opened them again because he wanted to see what Stavs’ face looked like while they did this.

‘You can go harder,’ he said, and hooked a foot in the small of Stavs’ back. ‘I want it, Stavs. Come on . Use those stupid muscles and fuck me. ’

Stavs took him at his word this time. He snapped his hips forward just right, and then neither of them was keeping it together.

They were kissing again, frantic, Jake’s tongue in Stavs’ mouth and Stavs’ hands tangled Jake’s hair, and Stavs was going to have scratches down his back from Jake’s fingernails.

Jake reached for his own dick but Stavs knocked his hand away, instead pinning both Jake’s wrists above his head with one hand. Jake choked on a gasp.

‘That okay?’ Stavs asked, letting his grip loosen for a second.

‘So okay. So ... yes, okay.’

Stavs brought their mouths together again, kissed Jake hard and got his lube-slicked hand around Jake’s dick. Jake made a sound that came close to a whine, his legs tightening around Stavs’ back. He didn’t want to come, not yet, not before Stavs had, but it was too good, too much.

‘So close,’ Jake said against Stavs’ mouth, and then they were kissing again, Jake’s teeth on Stavs’ bottom lip. ‘Fuck, I’m gonna — fuck. ’

He came hard, straining against Stavs’ grip on his wrists. He felt Stavs hesitate and he managed to say, ‘No, keep going , come on,’ and then Stavs was coming too, burying his face in Jake’s neck.

Stavs stayed where he was for a few seconds, panting, then lowered himself down so they were chest to chest. ‘This okay?’ he asked.

‘Yeah,’ Jake said. He liked staying close after sex. Liked feeling Stavs softening inside him. He let himself trace idle shapes on Stavs’ back while their breathing evened out. Stavs pressed a gentle kiss to the side of his head, and Jake sighed happily.

‘We should clean up.’ Stavs exhaled, his breath warm against Jake’s cheek.

Jake was already more than half asleep. He was going to get cold if he didn’t get under the covers, but that seemed like a lot of effort.

‘Mmm,’ he agreed.

He winced a little when Stavs pulled out, and yeah, they were probably going to need to ditch the bedspread.

He heard Stavs cross into the bathroom, then the tap running. The bed shifted when he came back.

‘I’m going to clean you up,’ Stavs said softly. Jake murmured agreement, and then there was a warm flannel on his stomach. Stavs cleaned him up, gently, then bullied him under the covers.

‘Sorry,’ Jake managed. ‘Dunno why I’m so wiped out.’

‘I could hazard a guess,’ Stavs said, getting under the covers as well. Jake nestled against him and Stavs wrapped an arm around him.

‘Was that ... It was good?’ Stavs asked in the way he always did after he’d fucked Jake into semi-consciousness.

‘Mm.’

‘I guess it must have been if it’s shut you up.’ Stavs’ fingers were gentle in Jake’s hair.

The last thing Jake felt before he went to sleep were Stavs’ lips brushing the nape of his neck.

Jake wasn’t sure what woke him: maybe the winter sunlight streaming through the blinds he’d forgotten to close, maybe Stavs throwing an arm over Jake’s stomach.

He groped for his phone. Six thirty. Rolling over and going back to sleep was very tempting – his legs were tangled up with Stavs’, and it would be easy to tuck his head onto Stavs’ shoulder and go back to sleep.

He got up instead, careful not to wake Stavs. He was a little sore, but in a way that made him want to get back into bed and nuzzle his way down Stavs’ chest. To keep him in bed all morning. To pin him down and ride him because it would hurt a bit and that would make it better.

His mum was sitting in the kitchen, lacing up her sneakers.

She was wearing a ratty Tiger Sharks beanie, and the percolator was starting to bubble.

Plugger was lying in front of her, his tail thumping on the linoleum.

He scrambled up as Jake came in and whuffed quietly. Jake reached down to scratch his ears.

‘You’re up early,’ Debbie said. ‘Thought you boys would sleep in.’

‘I woke up, fancied a walk.’

‘Coffee?’

‘Please.’

Debbie dug out another cup for the thermos while Jake found his sneakers and a puffer. Plugger scrambled down the hallway to sit by the front door.

‘Sorry,’ Jake told him. ‘You’re not allowed in the reserve.’

They managed to get out the door without Plugger, and walked in silence through the dewy grass towards the wildlife reserve. Debbie was walking slower than the last time they’d done this, and Jake tried to match her pace without making it obvious.

Stavs thought Jake should talk about his feelings about the cancer. But Jake didn’t know how to talk about this. The thought of a world without his mum – without morning walks, the way she made coffee, her texts after his games – felt impossible.

Jake wasn’t sure how many times he’d done this walk.

Hundreds. Thousands, maybe. There were pictures of him at the entrance of the reserve on Debbie’s back in a carrier, pointing at the wallabies.

Then holding Debbie’s hand as a toddler in a series of footy onesies.

Riding his bike. Pictures with Keeley, and Olly.

He’d walked it, run it, cycled it. Sometimes it felt like he’d made every important decision in his life somewhere along this track, stamping over the rough dirt, looking out for snakes.

They picked their way down to the lookout over the mangroves. The sun was only just up and there was barely any breeze. They could have been looking at a postcard.

Debbie unscrewed the lid of the thermos and poured them both a cup of coffee. Jake blew on his and watched the steam curl and evaporate.

‘I’m thinking about coming out,’ he said.

Debbie nodded slowly, like she wasn’t surprised. ‘Do you mean holding hands with someone while you get a coffee? Or a press release?’

Jake sighed and pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around his knees. ‘I think it kinda all ends up in a press release. But not all at once ... like, maybe I tell the team first, and then even if I don’t say anything publicly, I just stop being careful.’

Debbie made a mm noise. ‘I see.’

‘You don’t think it’s a good idea.’

She looked across at him, frowning. ‘I didn’t say that.’

‘You didn’t say I should do it, either.’

She sighed and took a sip of coffee. ‘I’m not going to tell you what I think you should do,’ she said. ‘This one’s only for you.’

He rested his chin on his knees. ‘I know.’

‘It’s not that I don’t think you should do it,’ she said, as they watched a group of pelicans wing their way around the headland. ‘It’s just that sometimes I feel like these days it’s all about coming out . Announcing it, labelling it. I don’t want you to feel like you have to.’

‘I just wanna be able to be open about it. Go on a date, whatever.’

‘You didn’t feel that way a few months ago.’

He’d told her about Kyle’s ultimatum, of course. She’d given him a hug, gotten the ingredients for chicken soup (her remedy for all ills), and then taken him on an extra-long walk.

He shrugged. ‘Yeah, I dunno. I guess I said that stuff about AFLW and I got shit for it. But I also got lots of nice messages. It meant something to people. I don’t want to be some ambassador for queer AFL players, but I’m also sick of keeping it a secret.

Maybe I tell the team, and then if people find out they find out. ’

‘And Theo?’

Jake tilted his head back. ‘We haven’t really talked about it.

I don’t know how he’d feel about it. I know he’d be supportive, but .

..’ But it might end things. It was one thing for them to be hooking up in sort of secret, another to be doing that if Jake was out. Another thing altogether to date.

‘You like him a lot.’

Jake blew out a breath. ‘Yeah.’

‘It’s mutual.’

Jake shrugged. He thought so too, but. ‘And complicated.’

‘Why?’

Jake gave her a look. It was a question his mum only really asked when she already knew the answer but wanted Jake to talk something through.

‘We’re teammates. We’re both closeted. His family don’t know he’s queer.

Coming out to the team is one thing. Being in a .

.. whatever with a teammate is another. ’

‘You’ve been around the women’s game enough to know that teammates can date.’ She grinned. ‘I like the way he looks at you. Lydia says he’s a good boy, but not too good.’

‘Yeah.’ Jake tried not to grin too broadly.

‘I think whatever happens, you two would work it out. If it’s romantic, or if he’s a friend.’

‘You’ve known him for twenty-four hours,’ Jake pointed out. Not because she was wrong.

‘I’m a good judge of character,’ she said. ‘I never liked Kyle.’

‘That’s because he called you Mrs Cunningham.’

‘Maybe.’

They finished their coffee and watched the sun rise. Jake had always loved a winter sunrise. They picked their way back down the track in silence. Debbie even consented to lean on Jake’s arm on one of the steeper parts.

‘Look who’s up,’ Debbie said as they got back to the stretch of grass that led back towards the house.

Stavs was walking towards them, his hands shoved into the pockets of a puffer, following the trail of their footprints.

‘Morning,’ Debbie called, and Stavs looked up and smiled.

Wow, Jake was fucked.