Page 16 of After the Siren

Jake continued pulling at the label. ‘His parents have this place on the Peninsula. So then the year before last he invited me down and got this fancy dinner delivered and set up the table with candles and shit. It was ... it was nice.’ Jake took a long pull of his beer.

‘I was trying not to think about it, but I also don’t want to get too fucked up, so now I’m thinking about it. ’

‘I feel that.’

‘Yeah?’

Theo sighed. ‘I was thinking about my ex today too. She really liked New Year’s.’

Theo hadn’t – not before Sarah – but she’d loved the excuse to plan and set goals.

Sometimes he’d wondered if Sarah had created a relationship spreadsheet the same way she’d had spreadsheets for her professional goals and her running.

He’d always been a planner, too, so they’d planned together, and every time they’d done it Theo had felt the settled kind of comfort that came with being on a good team.

Harvard had always been in her plan, but he’d thought when the time came they’d work something out. Hadn’t thought it would come down to a yes or no.

Last New Year’s had been a good night. He’d been doing well at the Sharks’ pre-season camp and Sarah had just published a paper in a prestigious journal.

They’d gotten drunk on champagne and when he’d looked at her, smiling up at him under the fireworks, he’d thought I’m going to ask her to marry me .

Had thought about asking right then and there, except she would have thought a public proposal was tacky.

He wasn’t still in love with her. He didn’t even really miss her , anymore, but sometimes he missed having a partner.

Someone to come home to, and wake up with.

Someone to talk to, to share with. Someone who knew all the little things about him, the things you only learned through time and proximity.

‘So, you’ve only ever dated girls?’ Jake asked. It was the first time since their scuffle at training that he’d alluded to the fact Theo was queer.

Theo hesitated. But Jake didn’t sound judgemental, just curious.

‘Yeah. I dated a bit in high school, then my ex and I got together our first year of uni and we were together for five years.’

‘Wow, sounds serious.’

‘It was.’

‘What happened?’ Jake rocked the seat again. He glanced across at Theo. ‘You don’t have to talk about it.’

Theo shrugged. ‘It’s fine. She got into Harvard to do her PhD. She wanted me to move to the US with her.’

‘Right.’

It sounded very simple, when he put it like that.

And maybe it had been, in the end. They hadn’t even fought about it.

She’d been incredulous, initially, that he wasn’t willing to leave, and then they’d both been resigned to breaking up.

It had been amicable, and maybe that hurt as well, in its own way.

‘Is it ... It must be hard, dating guys,’ Theo said, because he didn’t really want to talk about Sarah. ‘While you’re not out,’ he clarified.

‘I mean ...’ Jake shrugged. ‘Nobody I was fucking around with in school or whatever wanted to be out either, so it was fine. And then I was with Kyle – my ex – and that was fine until it wasn’t. We broke up a couple of months ago.’

‘What happened?’ Jake had asked first, so turnabout was fair play. ‘You also don’t have to talk about it.’

Jake lifted his bottle to his lips and took another sip of beer, then set it aside. ‘He told me we were done if I didn’t come out. I said I wasn’t coming out.’

‘Jesus. I’m sorry.’

‘I mean, thanks, but don’t be sorry. I’m pretty pissed with him.’ Jake sighed. ‘I kinda miss his dick, though.’

Theo choked on air. It was a good thing he hadn’t been drinking. ‘Right.’

‘Or maybe just dick in general,’ Jake said, as though the statement had needed clarification.

‘Fair.’ Theo was conscious that he didn’t sound totally normal.

‘What?’ Jake asked, laughter creeping back into his voice. ‘You saying you don’t ... actually, probably not. I guess it’s easier if you also like girls.’

Theo hadn’t been with anyone since Sarah, but sex didn’t feel like a priority.

Or at least it hadn’t , except now he was very aware of the warmth of Jake’s thigh next to his.

He hadn’t known you could get board shorts with a five-inch inseam, but here they were, the fireworks fabric stretched over Jake’s thighs, the hem barely brushing the top of the pelican tattoo.

‘I’m sure you could find dick elsewhere?’ What the actual fuck.

Jake rocked them on the seat again. ‘It’s kinda hard ... I’m not on Grindr or whatever because I don’t trust randoms, and it’s not like I really meet people who aren’t on the team. And I don’t shit where I eat, you know.’ He paused. ‘Anymore.’

Theo was not going to think about what that meant . ‘Right.’

Talking about this with Jake was not a good idea.

Not when Jake was bare-chested and slouched beside him, loose and relaxed.

Jake had a good body – everyone on the team had a good body – but Theo thought he probably would have been just as attractive if he didn’t spend half his life exercising.

He was so comfortable in his own skin, so quick to smile and laugh.

Jake took another drink of his beer. ‘I thought we’d get a dog, maybe,’ he said, staring at the ground.

‘Like, it’s dumb, because we weren’t even living in the same city, and we hadn’t been together that long, but sometimes I thought about us getting a dog and walking it or whatever.

’ He paused. ‘Just, I don’t know. Having a dog. Together.’

‘It’s not dumb.’

‘It was my fault we didn’t get a dog, though.’

The last thing Jake should be talking about was Kyle. He wasn’t even supposed to be thinking about Kyle. He especially shouldn’t be talking about whatever stupid thoughts he’d had about getting a dog.

It would have been a golden retriever. A girl. They would have called her Daisy.

‘I ... I don’t know your ex,’ Stavs said, after a long pause. ‘But giving someone an ultimatum like that is ... that’s not okay.’

Jake shrugged. ‘He thought I was gutless for not coming out.’

Stavs winced. ‘I’m sorry I ... said what I said. About that.’

‘It’s all good. Well, I mean, it wasn’t, but you just wanted to piss me off.’

‘Yeah.’ Stavs laughed softly, then shifted restlessly. ‘And I guess sometimes I feel that way about myself. So I said it to you, because I knew —’

‘I get it,’ Jake said. It wasn’t like he had a big chunk of moral high ground here.

But also, he didn’t want to talk about it.

‘So, what’s your New Year’s resolution?’ he asked, setting his empty beer down off to the side so he wouldn’t kick it over.

He dug in his heels, sending the swing into a gentle rock.

‘Who says I have one?’

‘Yeah right.’ Jake did not believe that for a second. Stavs definitely had a colour-coded planner. ‘I bet you have a set of SMART goals written in your journal somewhere.’

Stavs flipped Jake off instead of answering, which was as good as a confession.

‘What’s yours?’ Stavs countered.

‘Do I seem like a resolutions person?’

Stavs rubbed an imaginary beard. Jake bet he could actually grow a proper beard if he wanted. It would be hot. ‘Hmm. I bet you do have one. I bet it’s “win the Brownlow” or “kick a hundred goals” or something like that.’

‘Those are specific, measurable ...’ Jake tried to remember what the other letters stood for.

‘There’s an “achievable” in there for a reason.’

‘Fuck you.’

Jake did have one resolution – it was befriend Stavs – but he wasn’t going to tell Stavs about that. That would take all the fun out of it.

Sitting with Jake was comfortable. Theo wouldn’t have expected that.

They could have joined everyone inside for the countdown, but Theo didn’t really want to move.

The night was just warm enough to be pleasant, and there was something lovely about being on the outside of all the activity: hearing the murmur of voices and the thrum of the music without being caught up in it, smelling citrus and night jasmine alongside the barbecue happening next door.

Jake didn’t seem to want to move either.

He was looking into the middle distance, his expression pensive.

The fairy lights gilded his fair hair. Someone had switched across to a radio station before the countdown, and Theo could hear the thud of shoes on the deck as people danced to the last song before midnight.

The radio announced one minute to midnight, and they still didn’t move. Theo gave the seat a nudge this time, swinging it back. It made an alarming creaking noise.

‘Ten,’ Jake said, when the radio countdown started, and Theo joined him on ‘three’. There was an explosion of noise as everyone cheered in the new year, and then a sequence of cracks and bursts of colour as someone nearby set off some backyard fireworks.

‘Happy New Year,’ Jake said, shifting on the seat to face Theo. ‘Wanna make out?’ He was grinning, almost laughing, but a little bit of the earlier sadness lingered on his face.

Yes, unfortunately. For a moment, as their eyes met, Theo wondered whether Jake was at least half serious.

If Theo leaned across, would Jake close the distance between them?

He thought about Jake’s lips, soft and warm and tasting of the watermelon lip balm he was always using.

Wondered how Jake liked to be kissed, whether he’d want it slow and sweet, or if he’d wrap a hand in Theo’s hair and bite at Theo’s lip, eager and demanding.

Wondered whether Jake had kissed many people at midnight, and if a kiss would chase away that bit of sadness.

The moment stretched, and Theo almost did it – almost thought that Jake started to sway towards him. But then there was the thud of footsteps, heading towards them, and Paddy appeared around the corner.

‘There you are,’ he said, and dumped himself onto the seat between them, practically onto Jake’s lap, and handed Jake another beer.

‘Happy New Year,’ Jake said as Paddy pressed a drunken kiss to his cheek. Theo got one as well, and it was probably an accident that Paddy nearly got him on the mouth. Probably.

Theo held up his bottle.

Jake clinked his beer against it.