Page 41 of After the Siren

Chapter Twenty

Jake was in a good mood. He’d had a couple of seriously good games, he’d been the subject of a whole week of bizarre controversy about his pre-game routines, and he was having more – and better – sex than he’d ever been able to have in his life.

The rain was pouring, the birds were hiding, but Jake was having a good fucking day.

They’d done an indoor session because the coaching staff didn’t want anyone to hurt themselves in the mud, and Jake had a few minutes to kill before he was due to see the physio. He’d gotten absolutely cleaned up in their last game, and his right shoulder was complaining a bit.

Kat poked her head out of her office as he walked past. ‘Jake, time for a word?’

‘Sure.’

Kat’s office had probably once been a printer room.

If Jake had to work in a space that small, it would have immediately descended into complete chaos.

But Kat had imposed a rigid order over the books and papers.

She had a standing desk and one of those little under-desk treadmills.

She’d even managed to find space for a couple of plants, which were surviving despite the complete absence of sunlight.

Kat shut the door behind her and gestured to the chair opposite her desk. She sat as well, steepling her fingers under her chin.

‘You’re not going to like this conversation,’ she told him. ‘But just hear me out.’

Ordinarily this sort of chat would be the precursor to being dropped for the next game. But there was no way Jake was being dropped. He was playing well. Really well. He was only three goals behind Sheds as the leading Falcons goalscorer, and nobody kicked more goals than Sheds.

‘This is not a coach talk,’ she continued. ‘This is a talk from someone who’s known you for a long time.’

‘Yeah?’

She looked him in the eye. ‘You need to think about what you’re doing with Bestavros.’

Jake had never been very good at controlling his face. He did his best.

‘What do you mean?’

Kat had known he was gay for years, but it wasn’t something either of them really acknowledged. He knew she was supportive, but he’d always preferred to keep his sexuality away from his footy.

She fixed him with a look he remembered from primary school. ‘I’m not asking you to tell me anything about what’s going on, I’m just asking you to listen. And then to think.’

‘Sure.’ Jake could listen. He tipped the chair back, waiting. He knew that Kat hated it when people did that.

‘So, let’s just say there was something’ – she hesitated – ‘ romantic going on between you and Bestavros. All I’m saying is that you should think about the potential consequences. For him.’

That sounded bad. ‘What do you mean?’

‘He’s a good player, and he’s doing well. But if something happens, he’s the one who’s expendable. You’re not going to get traded or delisted.’

Jake let the legs of his chair thump back to the ground. ‘“Something happens”?’

‘If whatever is going on affects one or both of you on the field. If things end badly and you can’t work together.

If people find out and it affects the team dynamic.

I’m not ... you know I’d stick up for him.

But it’s not going to be my call. And putting the team first is going to mean putting you first.’

‘Right,’ Jake said, because she seemed to be waiting for him to say something. ‘You’re saying ... if we were doing anything, we should stop.’

Kat sighed. ‘No, Jake. I mean, I married my coach. I’m saying you should think about the risks and you should talk to Bestavros about them. Maybe you’ve done that already, in which case you can tell me to butt out.’

Jake shut his eyes for a second. He’d known he was going to have to think about this, but he’d been doing a pretty good job of pretending he didn’t.

Stavs had to know too. He was way smarter than Jake, and even Jake could see that whatever they were doing was no longer just friends fucking around. It could all go pretty pear-shaped.

Kat was talking again. ‘I’m not saying you can’t be together and play here, but I just ... I like him, Jake. He’s a good guy. I want him to succeed.’

So did Jake.

She continued. ‘I’ve played with teammates who’ve been couples, and I’ve played with teammates who’ve broken up.

It can work, but sometimes it doesn’t, and there isn’t always a better solution than one person leaving the club.

You’re both adults, and you can make your own choices.

But just don’t let it happen and then realise too late that you should have talked about it earlier. ’

‘Yeah.’

Stavs was going to want to stop. Jake knew how important this year was to Stavs – he wasn’t going to want to risk it.

Stavs was going to say sorry , and thinking about it gave Jake the same feeling he got when he saw a hit coming and couldn’t stop it.

When he knew it was going to hurt and there was nothing he could do but brace for impact.

‘I’ll think about it,’ he promised.

‘Jake,’ she said, as he made to stand. ‘I’m not saying you shouldn’t .

..’ She sighed. ‘You two ...’ She seemed to change her mind about whatever she was going to say.

Then she shook her head. ‘I probably shouldn’t say this, but you two seem good together.

Maybe it’s worth the risk. But you can’t choose for him. ’

‘Yeah.’ He hesitated. ‘How did you ... I mean, with Cindy. How did it happen?’

Kat’s smile went a little dreamy. ‘Well, we sort of ... things happened in the off-season, and then we talked about how it would work. But it was a bit different. The AFLW was only just starting out, there wasn’t much media, and it was already a very queer-friendly space.

I was pretty much on the verge of retirement anyway, so I knew if something went really wrong, that was an option.

We disclosed our relationship to management and the team and worked out some systems for any potential conflicts.

It wasn’t perfect, but we made it work, and then I retired at the end of the year and the issue went away. ’

‘Why did you decide it was worth the risk?’

Kat’s eyes went to the photo on her desk.

‘I don’t really believe there’s only one person for everyone,’ she said.

‘But I realised one day that I knew all the ways she pissed me off, and I still wanted to see her every day. Days when I didn’t see her were always a little bit worse.

Every time I thought about doing something – travelling, going to see my family, going to the snow, even just cooking a nice dinner at home – I imagined her there with me, without even meaning to.

Having to compromise on my footy didn’t feel like a big deal if it meant we could be together. ’

Jake nodded. There was a lump in his throat, and he didn’t think he could speak around it.

‘You know,’ Kat said, her voice uncharacteristically soft. ‘If you two were together, I’d have your back. And if either of you, or both of you, wanted to come out, you’d have the support of the club. You’d have my support.’

‘Yeah,’ Jake said, and his voice didn’t come out quite right. ‘I don’t think I’m cut out to be that kind of role model.’

Kat frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Seriously? I can’t even put on some headphones and chill before a game without someone writing about how I’m not taking things seriously. You reckon I’m gonna be a good poster boy for queer footballers?’

‘Representation isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being there.’

‘Sure,’ Jake said. ‘But ...’ He stopped. There was no point arguing about it. He wasn’t going to come out any time soon, so it didn’t matter what Kat thought.

Kat was still studying him. ‘Look, whoever comes out first, it’s not going to be easy. But nobody is going to be the perfect example.’

‘There’d be some who weren’t shit, though.’

‘Jake. You’re a star player, and you spoke out recently for the AFLW and for queer players. You coming out would be a big fucking deal for the queer community. In a good way. I’m not saying there wouldn’t be a lot of chat about it, but you’d be a great role model. You are a great role model.’

Jake shrugged. ‘Maybe. Kinda academic, though.’ He glanced at the clock. ‘Shit, I’m late.’

‘Go,’ Kat told him. ‘And think about it.’

‘I will.’

He was going to have to, now. No matter how much he didn’t want to.

‘Kat knows,’ Jake blurted into Stavs’ collarbone. He’d been trying to pick his moment. This was probably not it – both of them sweaty and tangled together on Jake’s bed – but if he didn’t spit it out he was going to go insane.

The conversation with Kat had been rattling around his head for the last few days.

He’d kept meaning to bring it up. And, okay, maybe it was selfish and stupid, but he’d wanted a few more days of Stavs before they called it quits.

He couldn’t see any scenario where they didn’t call it quits.

They’d both been clear that it was casual, and it wasn’t Stavs’ problem that Jake had caught feelings.

Even if Stavs had caught feelings as well.

(Jake wasn’t an idiot, he knew when someone was into him.)

Stavs went tense. ‘What?’

Jake raised his head. He was half-sprawled over Stavs’ chest. It was one of his favourite places to be, hearing Stavs’ heartbeat under his cheek.

‘Kat knows we’re ...’ Jake gestured between them. Fucking felt like the wrong word.

‘What? How?’ There was a note of accusation in Stavs’ voice that made Jake shift to roll off him and sit up.

‘I didn’t tell her,’ Jake said. ‘But she’s like a sniffer dog for queer romance. She’s always been like that. She pulled me aside to talk about it.’

‘When?’

Oh, Stavs was not going to like this. ‘Last Tuesday.’

There was a beat of silence.

‘I think we should talk about this with our clothes on.’ Stavs turned away from Jake and swung his legs off the bed.