Page 36 of After the Siren
The two of them said their goodbyes – getting hugs from everyone – and headed towards the locker room so Jake could shower. Jake was walking very briskly.
‘What’s the hurry?’ Theo asked. They had a while before they needed to be on the road.
Jake stopped in front of a door and tested the handle. It opened, and Theo saw a dingy room full of assorted equipment.
‘Great,’ Jake said, opening the door wider. ‘Come here.’
‘What are —’ Theo didn’t get the rest of the question out, because Jake had pulled him into the room and shoved him up against the door, and by then Theo knew exactly what he was doing.
He didn’t have any complaints.
Jake felt like his heart was still going a bit too fast, bouncing up and down under his ribs as they set off on the drive.
He wasn’t sure why he’d done it. He hadn’t really meant to do it, the words had just come out.
And now he had the same jittery feeling he got after a good win – too much energy to contain.
Maybe it had been spending time with the AFLW players, seeing how open they could be, how they joked about queerness.
Maybe it had been every stinging reference to him being a great ally .
Maybe it had been that he didn’t want to keep lying, not to them, even just one ongoing lie of omission. Maybe it had just felt safe.
He glanced across at Stavs in the passenger seat. He was still smiling in the dopey way that meant Jake had won at sex, his head tipped back against the headrest.
He’d actually thought Stavs was going to bail on coming with him to Phillip Island.
He’d seemed stressed about the whole idea.
But he hadn’t bailed, and maybe a little bit of the excitement was the thought of having Stavs in the place that would always be home.
A niggly part of Jake said that they should really talk about this, because whatever they were doing was not just fuck buddies, but Jake was ignoring that.
Why risk messing up a good thing by talking about it?
They stopped at Jake’s favourite bakery on the way, and Jake overcame Stavs’ resistance to a vanilla slice.
‘It’s yellow,’ Stavs said, giving it an experimental poke. The custard jiggled.
They’d taken their haul down to the inlet to eat. It was a spot where Jake had memories on top of memories: eating lamingtons here with his mum, eating doughnuts with Keeley, chilling out with his mates and pissing off anyone trying to have a nice, quiet time.
‘They’re supposed to be yellow.’
‘This is not a colour found in nature, unless nature is very ill.’
‘Just eat the slice.’
Stavs did eat the slice, though he also insisted he’d take Jake to some Egyptian bakery to learn about proper baking.
Jake liked the idea so much that he almost forgot to defend Mrs O’Hara’s Country Bakery.
Liked the idea of going with Stavs to a place that was important to him .
The way Stavs would look while he explained to Jake why his baked things were superior.
Occasionally, these sort of moments made Jake reflect that he might be a bit fucked.
Stavs was quiet in the car, but he seemed peaceful. He didn’t even try to skip the K-pop on Jake’s playlist.
‘I wrecked my first car there,’ Jake said as they came around a sweeping bend. ‘Driving back after a game when I was sixteen. Fucked up some ribs.’
He shouldn’t have been driving unsupervised at all – when his ride to the game fell through, he’d stuck P-plates on instead of his Ls and taken the chance that his mum wouldn’t catch him.
Stavs glanced across, frowning. ‘Yeah?’
Jake thought about it every time he drove down this part of the road. He didn’t really remember the minutes before it, just how tired he’d been, driving with both windows down and Nickelback playing, telling himself to stay awake, too young and stupid to just pull over.
‘I was playing for the Dandenong Dragons, so it was a couple of hours both ways. I usually got a lift, but there was this one night where the game got delayed and then I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I woke up when the tyres hit the gravel, just in time to feel my ribs crack.’
Stavs winced.
‘After that I used to stay with mates, or someone would come and get me. Keeley used to, sometimes, and then sometimes ... sometimes Kyle would drive me and Olly, his brother. He used to bitch about it, but I think he liked it.’
‘Because he got to spend time with you?’
Jake snorted. ‘No, because he liked to be a martyr.’ That was probably unfair. It had been nice of him.
Stavs glanced across at him. Jake sometimes got the feeling that he had questions about Kyle. Jake would have answered them, if he’d asked, but as a rule Jake avoided discussing the last guy he’d fucked with the guy he was currently fucking.
‘Did the crash interfere with you getting drafted?’ Stavs asked, instead.
‘Nah, it was early in the season and I was only in Year 10, so we were good. I did my ACL just after I got drafted, though.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Yeah. I thought I was going to go nuts, not being able to play.’ He would have gone nuts without Keeley and Lydia keeping him entertained, even though Keeley had been flat out with uni.
He’d started messaging Kyle, too. Sending him photos of the beach, Plugger, things he’d fucked up trying to cook.
He could still remember the thrill of nerves every time his phone buzzed on the table.
The way things had ended had spread back through all those good memories like poison. But it had been good, at the beginning.
He and Stavs chatted about nothing much for the rest of the ride: high school, Stavs’ NSW team, what it was like to play in Sydney. Stavs never talked much about his family. Jake got why, after that chat on the beach, but he was curious.
Stavs went a bit quiet as they pulled into Jake’s street.
Jake decided to stop pretending he didn’t know Stavs was stressing. ‘They’ll like you,’ he said. ‘It’ll be chill.’
‘I know.’
Stavs had actually brought a proper gift for his mum and Lydia, like they were in Bridgerton or something. It was a little basket with tea and spices and things Jake couldn’t identify. Lydia was going to flip.
Jake heard Plugger barking as soon as he got out of the car.
Somebody opened the front door and Plugger exploded out, hurling himself at Jake, who just about managed to catch him.
He put him down almost immediately, because Plugger was a big dog, and he wriggled when he was excited, but he knelt down to give him a proper cuddle. ‘Hey, hey, say hello to Stavs.’
Plugger did say hello, and Stavs was pretty relaxed about being slobbered on. That was good, because it was hard to be in the house and not get slobbered on a lot.
Jake dropped his bag at the top of the stairs, trying not to trip over Plugger, and hugged his mum.
He hadn’t seen her in person since she’d lost her hair.
She had a bandana wrapped around her head (she’d probably used it to flag, back in the day).
He knew she hadn’t gotten a wig – she said that if she didn’t have a problem being bald, everyone else could fucking deal with it – but it was winter.
She hugged him just as hard as she always did.
‘Fuck, it’s good to see you,’ he said, trying not to squeeze too hard.
‘Good to see you, too.’
Stavs was shaking hands with Lydia. ‘Thanks for having me,’ he said, handing over the gift basket.
It wasn’t unprecedented for one of Jake’s mates to bring gifts – Xen always brought jam or something – but this was definitely the poshest gift they’d ever received from a friend of Jake’s. The tea was in jars.
Lydia beamed at him. ‘You’re welcome whenever you want,’ she said, investigating the jars. ‘ Whenever you want.’ Jake sensed he was going to have to work to avoid drinking the type of tea that tasted like grass clippings soaked in hot water.
Stavs offered his hand to Jake’s mum. ‘Theo,’ he said. ‘It’s lovely to meet you.’
Debbie shook his hand. ‘Lovely to meet you, too. I’ve heard a lot about you.’
Stavs gave Jake an alarmed look. Debbie caught it and laughed. ‘All good things,’ she reassured him. ‘At least recently,’ she amended.
Stavs laughed, and Jake could tell he’d already started to chill out. It was pretty hard not to relax around his mum and Lydia.
Debbie ushered them both into the house, still laughing, and Jake felt, just for a second, the heat of tears behind his eyes.