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I gave her question some thought, just as she did with mine. “Skye gives me a bittersweet feeling,” I admitted. “Yes, I love my daughter, but she doesn’t feel like mine. She’s more Quinton and Leah’s daughter than mine.” Those words jackhammered through my heart.

I wrapped my arms around myself, attempting to provide comfort that didn’t reach the places that needed it the most.

“You’re cold.” Dr. Yvonne stood. “I won’t keep you out here any longer.

Like I said, I wanted to stop by and get to know you, but tomorrow we’ll start our first session, and don’t worry.

” She reached back and picked up her purse.

“I have enough faith and hope for the both of us. You’re going to be fine, Nova.

I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that you are. ”

I nodded instead of speaking because my throat was swollen with uncertainty. I could tell she really believed her words, and I almost felt bad about the disappointment I knew she’d feel when she saw for herself that no matter how hard she tried, my life wasn’t meant to be one of joy and happiness.

Mama came into the kitchen while I was making a sandwich to take back upstairs to my bedroom. That short session with Dr. Yvonne was exhausting.

“Dr. Yvonne seems like a nice lady.” Mama stood across from me.

I spread mayonnaise on my bread as if it were the most important task in the world. “Yep.”

Mama cleared her throat. “Nova, the only reason I didn’t tell you about Quinton and Leah sooner was because the thought of anything else hurting you broke me into pieces.

I’m your mother, and my job is to try as hard as I can to protect you however I can.

I know it may have made things worse, but you have to understand that I was only doing what I felt in my heart was the right thing to do at the time.

I did the same thing you would’ve done if it was Skye—if you had a choice to share something that could hurt her or give her a few more days of happiness.

Can you say that you would’ve chosen the hurt over the happiness for Skye? ”

Her words were an anchor that caused my heart to sink.

“I have to be honest. I didn’t agree with their relationship, and I didn’t agree even more with the marriage.

I know you feel hurt and betrayed and everything else, and you have a right to that, but let me tell you this.

Even though I didn’t like it, I knew they didn’t fall in love to hurt you, me, or anyone else.

” Mama exhaled. “And that’s all I need to say about that, so whenever you feel it in your heart to forgive me for trying to protect you, well, you know where to find me.

” Mama walked out of the kitchen, leaving me to ponder the words she expelled.

Tears burned my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away. I was so tired of crying. For once, I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be normal, whatever that was. I was about to put the bread, meat, and the rest of the fixings away until I had an idea.

I walked into the living room where Mama was in her recliner reading her daily devotional.

She removed her readers and looked up when I sat next to her in Daddy’s chair.

The first time I’d sat there a few days ago, I’d curled up and cried so long that I’d fallen asleep.

Somehow sitting where he used to sit gave me a sense of comfort that I needed.

“I thought you might be hungry.” I gave Mama the sandwich I’d made for her.

A wide smile spread across her face. It wasn’t until she bit into the sandwich and made a face that I remembered.

“I’m sorry, I forgot you don’t like mustard,” I said, reaching for the sandwich.

Mama moved the sandwich out of my reach. “I love it today,” she said, taking another bite, followed by a pained expression that she tried unsuccessfully to hide behind a smile.

I wanted to laugh, because that was definitely something I could see myself doing for Skye. I didn’t care if she’d served me dirt pie. I’d painfully eat that pie like it was the best food I’d ever tasted.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel or how I’m supposed to react. But I do understand why you didn’t want to tell me. I would’ve done anything to protect Skye from bad news, too, if I could.”

Mama’s eyes watered. “So, you understand, then? You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you on purpose.”

“I understand why you didn’t say anything, but it still hurts—just not as much as the hurt that Leah and Quinton caused. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive them. I don’t know if I want to.”

My reality was that I lived in a world that I didn’t understand and was too afraid to explore.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stop talking to Mama forever.

I needed her, but more than that, I didn’t want to be angry with her.

She was my mama, and it was bad enough that I didn’t have a daddy, and it wasn’t like Mama was so young.

I couldn’t spend the rest of whatever time we had together upset with her.

“Forgiveness won’t be easy, but the Bible tells us ...”

“Mama, please don’t start with that Bible stuff, or I’m going back upstairs to lock up in my room.

I said I understood how you felt as a mother, but I need you to understand that I’ll never get how you feel as a Christian.

How you can believe in a God that allows us to suffer.

Or who can take a father away from his family, like he did with Dad, or a mother away from her child like he did with me.

” My heart raced, and I closed my eyes to calm myself down.

“Okay, I don’t wanna upset you.” Mama held her hands toward me as if to block the impact of my words.

“Then stop talking about God. Don’t ever speak to me about God or the Bible or church again, and you won’t upset me.”

The corners of Mama’s mouth turned down, and she pressed her lips together as if she had to physically block the words that she wanted to express so badly.

She released her lips, and a soft sigh escaped.

Even though it was barely audible, it was enough for me to feel the weight of her disappointment.

Growing up, Mama and Daddy always used to say that as long as they gave us a good Christian foundation and made sure we knew Jesus, then they had no doubt that we’d be okay.

It wasn’t easy for Mama to accept that I didn’t believe in her Jesus anymore, but that was something she’d have to learn to get over.

Nothing she could say or do would change my mind on that subject.

The crunch of someone’s tires against the gravel was a welcome distraction.

Until I realized that meant someone was here.

I looked over at Mama, who was looking toward the front door.

I abandoned Daddy’s chair and walked to the stairs, prepared to escape into my bedroom if I needed to.

I wasn’t ready to see Leah or Quinton. They’d both been calling, because I’d overheard Mama answering questions that only they would’ve been asking.

Mama got up and looked out the front window. She looked back at me and smiled. “It’s Lance. He’s dropping off a box of decorations I left at the church.”

It was hard to believe it was yesterday when I almost burned Mama’s house down and Lance came to my rescue.

It seemed like forever ago with everything else that came after that.

Before yesterday and being out in the backyard watching him working like he used to with Daddy, thinking of Lance would cause dread to come over me, but I was serious when I said I wanted to let all of that go.

When Mama said his name, a flood of memories hit me out of nowhere.

Lance and I rode our bikes to Ms. Rose’s house, the candy lady, for candy that we’d hurry and eat before either of us made it home.

Lance and I camped outside in the backyard and talked about all the things we’d do when we were grown and had families of our own.

In middle school, we tried to learn the latest dance moves or coach each other on how to talk to someone we liked.

Both of us feeling those first-day jitters when we hit high school and reminding each other that we’d always have each other’s back, no matter what.

My heart shattered at the memory of us sitting underneath our tree, the big one in the backyard where we’d spent many summers enjoying snowballs or frozen cups.

A tree that once held our best memories now held my biggest regret.

The look on Lance’s face when I told him we couldn’t be friends anymore.

I threw away the only true friendship I’ve ever had, and for what?

To marry a man who could turn around and marry my sister? I was such an idiot.

“Hey, Nova.” Lance held a big box in front of him.

“Hey.” I stood. “Need some help?”

He chuckled. “Nah, I think I can handle it, but do you mind removing this for me?” He leaned forward, as if he was taking a bow.

I reached over and pulled off his hat. “Still don’t wear caps inside, I see.”

“Your dad only had to get on to me one time for me to remember. I’ll never make that mistake again.” He laughed.

Mama playfully hit Lance’s arm. “That’s because you were at the dinner table. You know that.”

“He said inside ... period. I’m never taking any chances.” He shook his head.

“Well, Frank’s gone now, bless his soul. I think you’re safe,” Mama said, giving Lance a sad smile.

“I don’t trust it.” Lance shifted the box. “If anyone can come back and get on to me, it’s Mr. Frank.”

We all laughed.

“Come put that box in here for me,” Mama said.

They weren’t gone long before Lance came back alone.

I didn’t need to ask where Mama was. I already knew she was going through that box and pulling out her decorative pumpkins and other fall decor to put around the house.

Mama loved that kind of stuff. Between the house and the church, she was always decorating for something.

“Can I talk with you for a second?” Lance asked.