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Nova

I could hear Mama talking when I made it to the bottom step. I stood for a minute and listened. I wasn’t trying to be nosy. Or maybe I was. I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something they weren’t telling me. I already knew Daddy was gone. Nothing could be worse than that.

And, as if on cue, my mind told me all the other things that were just as bad or worse.

Skye’s sick.

Mama’s sick.

Leah?

Quinton?

And if they aren’t telling me, it must be bad. Like, really bad.

I silence my mind so I can hear what Mama was saying. Maybe she’ll tell me without knowing it.

“How was she?” Mama asked.

Another voice. A deep male one came from the kitchen. I assumed Mama was on the phone. The thought that someone could’ve been here didn’t cross my mind.

I shook my head, reminding myself I was supposed to be listening.

The male’s voice wasn’t as clear as Mama’s. The only word I heard was Leah .

“Leah?” I said her name louder than I intended, then covered my mouth, but it was too late. In the quietness of the house, my voice carried right to Mama.

“Nova?” She called for me. “There you are,” she said when I stood. “Lance came to rake up all these leaves for me.”

“Morning, Nova.” Lance greeted me.

“Morning.” I glanced at him and then at Mama. “What’s wrong with Leah?”

“What?”

“Leah? You asked how was she? Is she sick?”

“No, honey, calm down. Your sister’s fine.” Mama’s gaze slid over to Lance.

“What aren’t you telling me?” I asked, feeling the heat rising inside me.

“I’m telling you the truth. Leah’s fine. There were just some busybodies at Skye’s game asking questions about you. That’s all.”

“What kind of questions?”

“Just questions.”

“Like what?” I pressed.

Before she could respond, Lance, who I forgot was there, walked behind Mama and put his coffee cup in the sink. “I’d better get started.” He touched Mama’s shoulder.

“Okay, baby.” Mama patted his hand.

Mama took her time turning back to me, but my eyes never left her. “Why are you hiding things from me?”

“I’m not hiding anything from you,” she insisted.

“But you are. All of you are. You think I don’t hear you whispering, then getting quiet when you hear me coming? I do and I’m sick of it.”

“Nova, please calm down.”

“And stop telling me to calm down. I am calm.”

“Okay. Alright,” Mama said, sounding like she was soothing a baby instead of talking with a grown woman.

I clenched my teeth together and allowed them to lock in the words that I knew would hurt Mama’s feelings.

I stared at my feet because looking at them was easier than looking at Mama while I was trying to compose myself.

It wasn’t easy when I thought about my family and how they were treating me.

I didn’t think they saw me as an adult anymore.

When we were kids, Mama and Daddy used to say that children shouldn’t be in grown folks’ business. Was that what they were doing now?

“Nova.” Mama paused until I lifted my eyes to face her again. “You’re right,” she admitted. “We have been discussing things behind your back, but only because it’s silly things that we don’t want you to worry about.”

“And what should I worry about instead? What I’ve lived through the past fifteen years? Maybe I’d prefer worrying about silly things instead of that. I’ve spent years in a place where I didn’t belong. I don’t want to come home just to feel the same way.”

Mama shook her head slowly. “You’re right, Nova. I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t talk about it anymore, so I went to the cabinet and pulled out a mug to make myself a cup of coffee.

“I’m going to do some shopping this morning. You want to ride? You don’t have to get out,” Mama asked.

For a second, I thought about taking her up on her offer.

I’d been home for six days now and I hadn’t left this house yet.

I was so ready to get out and explore the world.

So ready to do so many things, but all I did was sit in this house and stare out the window.

I hated the fear that came over me when I thought of leaving through that front door.

Why couldn’t my mind accept that Adam was dead?

Why did it want me to leave one prison just to put myself in another one?

I opened my mouth to tell Mama yes, I’d go. “No. Maybe next time.” We both knew that next time the answer would be the same.

“Okay, well, I can ask Cora to pick up some things for me. I don’t have to go.”

“You can go to the store, Mama. I’m okay.”

She looked around, as if she was trying to make sure there wasn’t anything there that could hurt me before she decided whether she should leave me alone or not.

“I don’t know.” Mama wrung her hands around each other. “What if someone stops by?”

“I won’t answer,” I said, repeating the rules she had for us when we stayed home alone as children. “Mama, you do understand that I’m forty years old, right? I’m old enough to stay home alone.”

“I know that, Nova. I just like to be here. You know. Just in case.”

“In case what? If someone comes, I won’t answer. If someone calls, I won’t answer. Is it okay if I use the stove while you’re gone, or should I wait until an adult is present?”

Mama’s eyes widened, and her hand slapped against her chest. She opened her mouth, then closed it. “I’ll let you know before I leave.”

I abandoned my coffee and went upstairs to my bedroom.

Whenever I felt too overwhelmed, being alone calmed me.

That was my intention when I walked into my room, to sit on the bed and stay there until my nerves were no longer jumping all over the place.

But that wasn’t what I did. I passed the bed and went straight to the window that overlooked the backyard.

I looked down where Lance was raking leaves into a neat pile.

My body relaxed when I thought of how he used to come over and help Daddy do yard work.

Lance loved being outside even more than I did.

I think that was what drew us together. That and the fact that Mama, his grandma, and Ms. Cora had a three-member gossip group, and no one’s business was safe once it hit any one of their ears.

My body was heavy as the memory of the good times faded and the unhappy played. For years I blamed Lance for what happened to me. My anger was too big for one person, so I had to spread it around to me, Quinton, and Lance, but if I was honest, out of the three of us, I gave Lance the biggest dose.

My life was fine before he called. Yes, Quinton and I had our problems, and we were fighting more than usual, but it was still okay.

We could’ve worked things out, but then Lance had to go and call me.

He wanted to see me. Why did he do that?

Why didn’t he just leave me alone? Why did I go?

Honestly, that was a question I’d already answered time and time again.

I went because I missed him more than I’d realized.

That wasn’t the point, though. The point was he should’ve left me alone and I wouldn’t have gone, which meant I wouldn’t have had anything to confess to Quinton that night.

He wouldn’t have blown up, and I wouldn’t have stormed out, and we’d still be married with a houseful of children like we planned.

Everything happened because of one stupid phone call.

“Nova.”

I whipped around, clutching my chest and breathing like I’d just run for ten miles.

“I’m sorry.” Mama rushed to me. “Are you sure you don’t need me to stay?” She moved her head from one side to the other, studying my face.

“You look nice,” I told Mama, ignoring the question that I’d already answered downstairs.

Mama was wearing dark-blue jeans, a burnt-orange sweater, and brown boots. Her hair hung to her shoulders, and it was still hard for me to believe how little she’d aged. Yes, she looked older than I remembered, but not fifteen years older.

“Thank you.” She leaned in and hugged me, and I already knew her sweet perfume was going to be all over me when she left.

“I won’t be long. Call me if you need anything.

” She held up her cell phone. “The number is on the refrigerator. Oh, and I put Cora’s on there too.

And it’s not because I think you’re a baby. ”

I didn’t protest. Instead, I linked my arm around Mama’s.

Her eyes dropped to my arm, then made their way back up.

She gave my arm the same pat she’d given Lance in the kitchen, but mine was paired with concern in her eyes.

Mama worried about me. She didn’t know how I’d react from one minute to the next.

Actually, from one second to the next. If I knew, I’d warn her what was coming, but I never knew either.

I wasn’t used to feeling so many things.

For so many years my only emotions were anger, loneliness, and hate.

Joy and happiness felt foreign in my body.

Like they didn’t belong there. Was it bad that I felt more like myself in anger than I did in joy?

“Okay, I’ll be back shortly. You have my phone number.

” Mama held up her cell phone again as we walked back downstairs.

“Call me if you think of anything you need. I’m going right up the street to Mr. Jim’s Grocery so I’m only a hop, skip, and a jump away.

” Mama continued talking even after she was out of the house and standing on the porch.

“I’ll be fine, Mama.”

I was ready for her to leave. Mama had barely left my side since I’d left the hospital six days ago.

I loved her, but I wasn’t used to all the attention and smothering.

Being alone in the house wasn’t as scary as Mama probably thought it would be for me.

If I was locked in, I knew I’d be fine. It wasn’t inside that frightened me.

It was out there, where she was going, that scared me the most.