Page 15

Nova

Dr. Harris gave me a lot to think about yesterday, and thankfully I didn’t have to think about it in that hospital.

“How much longer?” I leaned forward and asked Quinton.

“Less than thirty minutes.” He looked at me through the rearview mirror.

I couldn’t believe it. In less than thirty minutes I’d be home.

Home?

The word played on repeat, assaulting the sliver of peace that came when I first said it.

Where is home? It used to be with Quinton and Skye, but that wasn’t my home anymore.

Someone else had taken my place. I closed my eyes to stop the room from spinning.

It blocked out the space but not the questions that pounded into me.

Where will I live?

What will I do? I don’t have a job.

Do I even know what to do to get a job?

And if so, what kind of job?

Who would hire me?

How will I take care of myself ... of Skye?

I’m her mother. Shouldn’t I help take care of her? Will she want me to take care of her?

I reached for Leah when I felt myself getting worked up by my thoughts. I didn’t need to explain anything. It was like Leah just knew. She massaged my hand like she did the first day. I stared out the window and only focused on what was right in front of me. Everything else would have to wait.

A brick sign sat in the median. Welcome To Bayou were the words that greeted me.

It had probably been there for years, but it felt like it was just for me.

As soon as we entered Bayou, we were greeted by people on both sides of the street, waving Welcome Home signs, cheering, clapping, and crying.

There had to be hundreds of them. The line went down Main Street, where everyone in Bayou shopped and ate, and continued all the way through town.

Everywhere I looked there were people and more people.

My heart raced, and sweat rolled down my back.

My hands wouldn’t stop shaking. People were in front of Bayou Park, where I spent hours on Saturdays playing with Leah and Lance.

Then, there was Mr. Leroy’s Farmer’s Market, where more people stood outside and waved.

People stood on their front porches as we drove toward Mama’s house.

I wanted to see everyone. I wanted to take it all in, but it was too much, and I couldn’t look anymore.

I tucked my head between my legs and hummed a tune, attempting to drown out the cheers, which to my ears was just noise. Too much noise.

I kept my head down until I knew we’d turned onto the lane that led to the house.

Because of the trees and the curve, no one could see the house from the street.

Privacy. That was what my mind craved. Silence.

It needed silence. Coming home didn’t feel like I’d imagined.

I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted it to feel special, but instead, it was scary.

Quinton got out first, then walked around and opened my door.

I couldn’t move. I wanted to leave the truck, but I was frozen.

I couldn’t trust that someone wasn’t out there lurking among the trees, just waiting for me.

How could I be sure there wasn’t another Adam out there waiting to take over where he’d left off?

If home wasn’t safe, then where could I be safe?

Back in the room? As much as I hated it, a part of me yearned for it.

For the seclusion. I wanted the feeling the room offered without Adam.

Quinton lowered his body until my eyes were looking into his.

“It’s okay. I promise I’ll never let anything happen to you again.

” His words sounded good, but even he couldn’t make a promise like that.

It wasn’t like he’d be with me 24-7. He had another wife who he also had to take care of. I wasn’t his responsibility anymore.

I looked at Quinton, Skye, Mama, and Leah, all standing and waiting patiently for me. All reassuring me that I should take my time. I inhaled and exhaled before twisting my body toward the door and stepping out of the truck.

I paused as my eyes took in the two-story white house with the front porch that stretched from one end to the other.

The house that used to be white was now light blue.

I didn’t know if I liked it. Actually, I did know.

I hated it. At least one thing was still the same.

Mama’s prized flower bed still sat on each side of the front steps.

I couldn’t begin to count how many times she’d fussed at Leah and me from running and playing around them.

“All these acres y’all got, and you still choose to run around my flowers. I tell ya what, if you mess them up, I’m gonna mess up your little behinds.”

Leah and I would take off running. When we were sure we were out of earshot, we’d burst out laughing. The memory of the good old days gave me such a warm feeling.

Then something happened that I didn’t expect. I went from smiling to crying. It was that moment when reality really set in. I was free. I was afraid to get too comfortable before, but that was not home. It was safe to let your guard down at home. I didn’t have to fight anymore.

“Welcome home, Sis.” Leah wrapped her arm around my waist.

That was when it happened. A flood of memories flashed through my mind—all the family gatherings, holidays, birthday parties, anniversary celebrations, and church meetings, all like a movie playing in my head, and then as if someone had switched off the television, the memories stopped.

No more birthdays. No more holiday celebrations.

No more anniversary parties or church meetings.

Everything came to an abrupt end. For me.

Life continued for everyone except me. The agonizing ache of all the missed moments caused a flood of tears.

I cried out fifteen years’ worth of pain, hurt, suffering, and a longing so deep it was physically painful.

Mama held me until I’d drained myself of all the tears. I wish I could say that all the pain had left with it, but that was too good to be true. While Mama went to unlock the door, Quinton helped me up the steps. My ankle was healing, but not healed yet.

Once Mama opened the door, I stepped over the threshold and back into the past. “It doesn’t look the same.

” I ran my hand along the plain yellow wall in the foyer.

The gold-and-cream-striped wallpaper was gone.

I hated that wallpaper, but I really wanted to see it.

I needed to see it. I looked over at Mama, who stood next to me, smiling.

She didn’t know there was a war of emotions taking place inside me. “Did Daddy know about this?”

This house once belonged to his grandparents, then his parents, then us.

Even though most things in the old house were outdated, Daddy refused to change it.

He said it was all he had left of his parents and grandparents.

I often felt bad for Daddy. He was an only child, so he was all that was left once his parents died.

Maybe that was why I’d clung to him so much.

I thought if I was around, he wouldn’t feel alone.

“Of course he did. I’d tried for so long to get him to do something about this old house, but it wasn’t until he retired and got antsy that he finally decided it was time. He worked day and night on this place.”

“How about I call the café and place an order for takeout,” Leah suggested.

“That’ll be wonderful,” Mama said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Instead of following Leah, Skye, and Quinton into the living room, I continued down the narrow hallway, where Mama always kept a wall of pictures. My steps slowed as I approached. Each image was a window inside a world that didn’t include me.

I stopped in front of a picture of Mama and Skye.

They were standing in front of our family’s church, Bayou Baptist. Skye’s head was at Mama’s waist. Now Mama’s head was at Skye’s waist, since Skye was at least five feet, ten inches—the same height I was at seventeen.

Both Skye’s height and missing two front teeth were the clues that it was an old picture.

My mind struggled to think of Skye at that age.

What was she like then? Was she loud like me or quiet like Leah?

Was she sneaky like I was, or was she a rule follower like Leah?

I didn’t want to accept that my daughter, who was nearly an adult now, had experiences and memories that I knew nothing about.

“I missed so much,” I whispered. My words didn’t feel big enough to capture the emptiness inside me. I was a mother who didn’t know what it was like to drop her child off at school. To kiss her boo-boos or scare away the scary closet monsters.

“How old was she here?” I reached to touch the picture, then pulled back and aimed my head toward it instead. That way, I wouldn’t mess it up or break it.

Mama’s narrowed eyes stared at me. “It’s okay to touch it, sweetie.”

I smiled but kept my hands to myself as my mind flashed to the room. The cold, dark room where hopelessness was my constant companion. I blinked the image away and focused on the smiling faces in the photos instead of the unwelcome memories that came at the most random moments.

Mama removed the picture from the nail and stared at it. “My mind’s not as sharp as it used to be, but I guess she was about seven or eight here. This was one of her dance recitals.” Mama chuckled. “We fought so hard to get all this thick hair into a bun.”

What I wouldn’t have given to have the opportunity to fight with hair instead of fighting for my life.

I walked over to the next picture while Mama put Skye’s back on the wall.

Every picture was a painful reminder that they’d built a life, created memories, probably created different traditions, and had inside jokes that I knew nothing about. I was a stranger in my own home.

While Mama’s animated voice told me about each picture, I was battling my mind to stay focused.

I was split between paying attention and hoping her stories could fill in some of the gaps I’d missed, but it was hard to stay in the present when I couldn’t stop revisiting all the nights I’d lain in bed and wondered what my family was doing.

Wondered if they were still thinking about me.

If they still missed me. It looked like they were too busy living life to give me much thought.

This was my family. This was my home. Somehow, I had to find a way to belong. To fit in again, but how was I supposed to do that? How was I supposed to belong to a world ... a family ... that was so much different than I was?

“Are you okay, sweetie? Do you need to sit? You don’t look well.” Mama touched my shoulder.

“I’m okay.” I forced a smile that felt more like a grimace. “I’m just trying to take it all in. Fifteen years is a lot to catch up on.”

“And you don’t have to do it all today. You’ll have plenty of time, and we’ll tell you everything you need to know. You’re home now, baby.” Mama smiled through her tears.

Home. I bounced the word around in my head and tried to make it feel real, but it didn’t. Home used to feel comforting, not complicated and confusing. Mama was right; I was back, but the real question was, did I belong?

I stepped into the living room and immediately noticed that the walls were the same light yellow as the hallway.

The furniture was different too. The brown-and-cream-cloth sofa seat was replaced with a tan leather set.

I stepped farther into the room and walked to the corner where Mama’s clear knickknack case was still filled with all kinds of crystal things.

The light from the window across from the case always made the crystals sparkle, like they were doing now.

I crossed the room and stood next to Mama’s and Daddy’s recliners, which still sat on the wall right next to each other—memories of them sitting there watching Wheel of Fortune or the news filled my mind.

Most times, it was Mama who watched while Daddy slept.

A framed picture of Daddy sat on the round table between their chairs.

I was drawn to it. I stared down at it, but it was Mama who picked it up and placed it in my hand.

I didn’t resist. I just kept staring into the eyes of the first man who’d ever loved me—the man who warned me never to take any wooden nickels.

I had no idea what that meant back then, but it made sense now.

I released a wail so loud it pierced my ears.

The reality that Daddy was gone had just hit me out of nowhere, and the grief was too overwhelming to bear.

All those years I’d prayed to see my family again.

I’d prayed to have the chance to hug them, kiss them, and tell them how much I loved them, but I’d never have the chance to do any of that to my daddy, and I couldn’t breathe.

“I’m so sorry, Daddy.” I held his picture close to my chest and hoped he could hear my words.

“You warned me to be careful. You told me to never let anyone cheat me out of what was mine, and I didn’t listen.

I should’ve listened. Now you’re gone, and I’ll never get a chance to tell you how sorry I am.

I let him cheat me out of something that was worth more than all the nickels in the world. More time with you.”

Mama rubbed my back and led me to the sofa, where she sat next to me.

I looked around and wanted the void to go away, but it wouldn’t.

The presence that filled this house every time I stepped through those doors was gone.

The smile that used to greet me with open arms and a big kiss, even if he’d just seen me the day before.

The deep voice that asked, “How’s my baby girl doing?

” The spicy cologne that lingered on my clothes long after we’d parted.

The first man I ever loved. The only man I knew who loved me no matter what I did or said.