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She looks down at Josie, squeezing the penguin, and I wish I knew what she was thinking. I wish she would let me in.
“Thanks for coming today,” I say softly.
“It was a good idea. It’s a beautiful day.”
“Yeah, but thanks for coming today withme.”I clarify, wanting her to know how much it means to me. “I know I haven’t been around…”
“Not your fault.”
“I know, but I’m just happy to get a chance to be around her.” I look at Josie fondly, wondering how I ever lived without her before. Wondering how I’ll live without her in my life always, aside from these one-off times that Erica allows.
“Aroundyou.”I add.
Erica looks at me for a moment, her eyes a stormy green. I know she’s in inner turmoil, and I hate that it’s because of me. She doesn’t say anything before nodding slightly and pulling out a zoo map from her back pocket.
“All right, what’s next?” she says, looking over the map carefully.
I know the conversation is over, but there’s more to be had. Because this time with them is something I don’t want to end. I spend the rest of the morning imagining that it can always belike this. If Erica and I can move past our complicated history, we can be together.
There is a reason we found our way back to each other after the night we met. A reason that Josie came to be, even though neither of us were asking to become parents, or expecting it. But it happened because we both were drawn to each other that night. Lost in each other. Even in our time apart afterward, I never forgot about her. She had a hold on me, up until she walked into my office a year later and I knew whatever we started wasn’t over.
If we can somehow give ourselves a real chance, we could have a real go at this whole family thing. I could be a full-time dad to Josie. Though I know nothing about how to be a father, I know I’ll do my best. I can’t think of anything I want more in life. Business has always come first in my mind, but it feels like it’s taking a back seat to the two girls beside me.
I can see a life together. It’s beautiful and terrifying at the same time. To have something so special to lose makes my heart crack just at the thought of it.
Chapter 39
Erica
After our trip to the zoo, Josie had a hard time leaving Marco. She cried and kept reaching for him from the stroller, which made saying goodbye difficult. I’ve never seen her like that with anyone, besides me in her earlier months. I watched as Marco tried to navigate through it, on his hands and knees reassuring her he would see her soon. The words were comforting to her, but scary to me.
I didn’t know where this thing was going, especially since my initial plan was to ask him to sign over his rights as her father. I don’t know what I’m doing, or why I invited him out to dinner last night or agreed to come to the zoo today. It’s like we’re trying to paint this portrait of a perfect little family, but we haven’t really talked about anything. And there’s a lot to talk about.
Once Josie finally calms down, she rubs at her eyes and settles into her stroller. She looks like she might fall asleep any minute. I check the time. It’s almost her naptime.
“She’s tired,” I say, looking at her fondly.
“It’s been an exciting morning for her,” says Marco, following my gaze.
“Well, thank you for inviting us. And for the penguin.”
“Of course. I’m glad we could do this.”
He looks at me like he wants to say something else, but I don’t give him the chance. I can’t hear him say one more nice thing or have him look at me in that way of his one more time because it will just weaken my resolve even more.
“I should get her home. It’s her naptime.”
“Right. Of course.”
I give him a small wave before pushing the stroller down the sidewalk to where the subway is. I don’t dare turn back because I know he’s watching us go, and part of me wants to stay.
Back home, I place Josie in her crib and set her massive stuffed penguin on the floor next to her, so he’s eye level with her. I’m sure she will be happy to see him when she wakes up. I run my fingers through her soft dark hair before slipping out of the roomquietly. I walk to the living room and collapse on the couch with a sigh.
It couldn’t have been a more perfect morning, so why am I so perturbed by it? Marco did everything right. For not having any experience as a father, and for having a daughter quite literally sprung on him, he looked the part. With Josie sitting on his shoulders like that, it was the picture-perfect moment. The two of them in their own little world together, and me feeling like an outsider looking in. I liked what I saw.
I fall asleep thinking about last night’s dinner and this morning’s trip to the zoo. An hour later, I wake up to Josie babbling in her room. I pull myself from the couch and stretch. I never nap, so I must be tired. Mentally tired, that is. I get her from her room and bring her back to the couch to snuggle as we both wake up from our afternoon snoozes.
I look at my phone to see if I have any notifications from when I was sleeping. There’s a text from Sadie confirming tonight’s dinner at her place, but nothing from Marco. I feel silly for expecting him to text me after I had just seen him. I tell Sadie I’ll be at her place at six, and get back to snuggling Josie.