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“Well, let me know if you need anything.” She looks at me curiously.
I didn’t realize that my presence would give her such a start, or the rest of the employees who are eyeing me curiously as they lead story time or rock babies to sleep. I smile at them to try and ease their upturned minds. I don’t know what I’m doing here, but the feeling I have is growing stronger, like it’s screaming at me.
I walk around the daycare, pretending like I’m doing a sort of mental inventory, but I’m really looking for the source of the invisible force that called me here in the first place. I listen briefly to the story time that has the toddlers enthralled. I peek in at the newborns asleep in their rocking cribs. I laugh to myself watching the older babies crawl around like little inch worms.
And that’s when I see her.
Josie.
She’s sitting on the lap of one of the daycare workers, shaking a plastic ring with beads in it. I feel like the air has been knocked out of me as I’m glued to the spot, watching her eyes dance as they follow the colorful beads dancing around in the tube. Then she stops, as if she senses me standing there, and her eyes find mine.Myeyes. It’s as if I’m looking at myself. I don’t know how to breathe as I reach out and clutch the padded wall that surrounds her.
Her brown eyes, still on me, crinkle slightly at the corners as her mouth spreads into a gummy smile. She lets out a coo of a sound and it might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I find myself smiling back at her.
I instantly know she’s mine, and it has nothing to do with the photo I saw on Erica’s phone. It’s just this instinct I have running through me. A paternal instinct. It’s as if my whole world is shifting right here in this room. Like the only two people in it are me and Josie. My daughter. The feeling is overwhelming. I realize that the reason I’m not breathinganymore is because I’m choked up with emotions I’ve never felt before.
I’ve never experienced love at first sight until now. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced true love until now. I can’t process these feelings, or the fact that I was quite literally called by some invisible thing to come here. Some divine universe wanted me to know she was here. Wanted me to see my daughter.
She coos again as she looks at me. She throws the toy she’s holding on the floor and holds her arms out to me. I take a step back, terrified of this little bit of acknowledgment she’s showing me. The daycare worker follows Josie’s gaze up to me and smiles.
“She seems to like you, Mr. Vallejo.”
“Oh, I don’t know…” I take another step back, when all I really want to do is take Josie in my arms and hold her. But I can’t. Not here. Not in front of these people who are watching me so closely. It’s too risky because the moment I hold her, I’m going to completely melt into a puddle and be wrapped around that little girl’s finger for all to see.
I have this innate urge to protect her, partly from myself, if I’m being honest. But this overwhelming feeling of love is telling me I won’t be able to stay away. Now that I’ve seen her, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to let her go.
But I have to. I should walk away now before I grow any more attached. I told Erica I wanted nothing to do with her or thebaby. The baby who’s still staring back at me, but the smile has washed away into a confused look, like she’s wondering why I’m not scooping her up and claiming her as mine.
I have to get out of here. I walk swiftly back toward the little white gate at the entrance of the daycare, grabbing my shoes from the cubby as I go. Outside the gate, I quickly slip them on and give a wave to the woman behind the front desk. I mutter a quiet thank-you, rushing past her, desperate to get out of there. But the feeling I have after seeing Josie follows me, and I know it’s a feeling that will follow me forever.
As I walk down the hallway, out of sight of the daycare, I find a wall to lean on. I rest my head against it and close my eyes. I know I’ve made a mistake by cutting Erica out of my life in the way that I did. That means I’ve cut Josie out of my life. I don’t think I can survive without her.
Chapter 33
Erica
Itrudge up my apartment stairs, carrying Josie in my arms with my work bag slung over my shoulder. The elevator is down again, leaving me with four flights of stairs to walk up, which wouldn’t normally be a big deal, but add on the bag carrying my laptop and a nineteen-pound baby, I’m sweating and I’m only at the second floor. Josie giggles as she squirms slightly in my arms, seemingly enjoying my struggle.
“Hey, wiggle worm. Nuh-uh. Mommy is having a hard time as it is.”
She nuzzles her head on my shoulder as I ascend the final flights of stairs. I walk down the long hallway to my end unit, the one feature I splurged on for a better view of the city and to have less chance of noisy neighbors to wake up Josie. I set her down on the floor and she balances on her two feet, holding onto my legs for support.
“Look how strong you’re getting, girl. Soon you’ll be walking and then mommy will really be in trouble.” I laugh softly.
I fish out my keys and insert them in the door, opening it. I hold Josie’s hands and help her as she waddles inside, gripping my hands tightly. She looks up at me proudly and I can feel myself tearing up. It feels like just yesterday she was in my arms at the hospital. It was just me and her. I barely remember the doctor or the nurses being there because I was completely lost in her. I had gone in terrified, going through labor on my own, and come out feeling so strong and so full of love. Where has the time gone?
I lead Josie to her play area and set her up with a variety of toys to keep her busy while I start on dinner. She yawns and rubs at her eyes sleepily, and I wonder if she’ll make it to dinner.
“Daycare wearing you out, huh, baby girl?” I call from the kitchen, keeping a watchful eye on her as she lazily pulls her stacking rings toward her.
I start pulling things from the fridge to throw dinner together. Chicken, steamed broccoli, rice. I’m keeping it simple tonight because I’m pretty drained from work, and all the emotional baggage that comes with it. Troy surprising me today also kept me on my toes. I feel like when I’m around him now, I have to be careful what I say, for fear I might let slip everything that’s going on. Troy can be protective. I can’t imagine what he would do if he found out about Marco being Josie’s father and everything that’s happened since we reunited.
There’s a knock at the door and I glance at it in confusion. I’m not expecting anyone. I wipe my hands on my apron and walk over to the door. I look out the peephole and see a younger guy holding a big bouquet of flowers.
“What the?” I whisper to myself as I start turning the locks on my door before opening it.
“Hi?” I say more as a question than a greeting.
“Good evening, miss. Are you Erica Gunner?” he asks, checking his clipboard tucked under his arm because his hands are occupied by the two dozen… no three dozen white roses in his hands. I can barely see his face over them.