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“Thank you for taking her to the park,” I say.
“Of course. Dinner is almost ready. It’s in the oven.”
“You didn’t have to cook dinner,” I say.
She’s unknowingly making me feel worse about what I have to do.
“Oh, it’s fine. It’s an easy casserole. I figured you could use a break from cooking since you started your new position.”
“Well, thank you.” I put Josie on the floor for her to crawl around. “Speaking of the new position, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Oh?” says Audrey, smiling down at Josie.
“It came with a new salary, and not a better one. I’m sorry, but I can’t afford to have you take care of Josie anymore.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that. I feel like she was really starting to warm up to me.”
“I know! You’re the best. Here you are, taking her on outings and making me dinner. I feel like a real asshole.”
“You’re not, Ms. Gunner. But no offense, it sounds like your employer is.”
I let out a laugh through my nose. If only she knew. Iamthe asshole.
“Well, I’m really sorry about this. You can finish out the week if you’d like.”
“Of course, I will. I have to soak up the time I have left with this one.” She scoops Josie up and twirls her around the room, while Josie giggles loudly.
After Audrey leaves, I breathe a sigh of relief. It could have gone a lot worse than it did. I’m grateful she was understanding, but I still feel bad, especially since Josie really grew to like her in such a short time. While we eat dinner, I show the brochure to Josie, pointing at the pictures between taking bites and feeding her noodles and peas.
“You get to come to work with Mommy now,” I say enthusiastically.
And your daddy too,I think. I hope he’s too busy to notice a new family joining the daycare.
Chapter 28
Marco
Idecide to spend the rest of the week and weekend in the Hamptons. I stay up late with a glass of bourbon in hand and wake up late, starting my morning with a run down the beach. My house has a home gym, so I keep up with my workouts that I’ve been doing at my gym in Manhattan. Drinking and working out have been my escapes. They completely juxtapose each other, but I don’t care. It’s what’s getting me by.
My phone is still ondo not disturb, aside from my mother, who I’ve spoken to a few times. I told Jessica to email me if there is any real emergency at work, and so far, she hasn’t. I take my glass of bourbon on ice and walk out onto the upper deck. There, I settle in a lounge chair and look out over the ocean under the setting sun.
I hear laughter trickling up from the beach below. It’s probably the same family I’ve been seeing every day. I frown slightly astheir laughter meets my ears. It’s like a cruel reminder of the life that was taken away from me. The chance I had to get to meet my daughter. It’s funny because being a family man was the furthest thing from who I wanted to be, but knowing it’s something I can’t have suddenly makes it the only thing I think about.
I grab my AirPods and nestle them in my ears, turning on some music to drown out the life Erica didn’t want with me. I’ve tried my best to let it go and come to terms that I won’t be in either of their lives, but the more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. Who issheto dictate whether I know my own daughter? What gives her the right to keep that secret from me? It keeps eating away at me.
I sit up from my chair and grab my phone, having the urge to call her and tell her everything I think about her. My thumb hovers over her name and the call button, but I decide against it. It won’t do any good. It won’t change anything that happened between us. It won’t give me the time back that I lost with a little girl without her father. She can blame her mother for that.
Since it’s my last night here in the Hamptons, I decide to go out. I’ve been holed up in the house since I got here. It might do me some good to get out, even though I don’t know anyone in town. I should have called Jacob to come out for the weekend, but it’s too late now. Plus, I don’t know if I’m ready to tell him about the mess that is my life. I don’t know if I want to tell anyone. Maybe, like Erica, it will now be my secret to keep.
I throw on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, and put a black Yankees cap on. I call up my driver to meet me at the house.Twenty minutes later, he arrives and makes the short drive into town. I have him drop me off at the beach club, where I find a seat at the corner of the bar. It’s the perfect spot to people-watch and have the bartender at my beck and call all night.
The night air has cooled significantly since the sun has set and the ocean air is drifting in from the nearby beach. Drifting in along with it is the Hamptons’ nightlife, full of men and women looking for a good time before the weekend comes to a close. My eyes wander to a few women, but none really catch my eye. If I’m being honest, the dark-haired ones all remind me of Erica. I half expect one to turn around and it be her.
It’s stupid, really. I know she’s back in Manhattan, probably at home being a mother. The annoying thing about it all is that she’s probably a really good mother. It’s good for Josie, but it makes me resent her all the more.
I pick up the glass of bourbon the bartender just brought over and slam it back before ordering another. He gives me a knowing nod, like he knows the kind of night I need. The next thing I know, I’m on the beach, my toes in the sand with no idea where my shoes are. There are two women in the water in their bra and underwear beckoning for me to join them. One blonde. One redhead. Both have to be about twenty-five. I wonder how many bourbons I had to have had to end up here.
I look around the beach and realize I’m not even at the beach club. I’m on the private beach at my house.