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Jessica is never one to delve into my personal business or private life. She’s my assistant and she sticks to work and work only. It’s something I appreciate about her. Asking if I’m okay is the closest she’s ever gotten to being curious about anything outside of the company, so I know that I’ve worried her.
I know I haven’t been myself lately, ever since I found out about Josie. I can feel work slipping to the last thing on my mind, and it’s probably being reflected across my different companies. It’s what I get for trying to take over the world, as my mother says. Up until now, I’ve been able to handle it all. Now, I can’t get a grasp on anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if I lost a partner or a few million today because of my rash decision to leave.
Normally, that would bother me and I’d bust my ass to make things right. Yes, finding out I’m a father has put things in perspective. I have different priorities right now. I can’t very well tell Jessica that, but I can try to put her mind at ease.
Me:I’m fine. Just got some sort of stomach bug. Sorry to dump that all on you today.
Jessica:It was rough, but nothing I couldn’t handle. When will you be back in?
Me:Tomorrow. I owe you.
Jessica:Yes, you do!
I smile at my phone before sliding it in my pocket. Jessica has been with me for years, almost since the very beginning. I shouldprobably give her a raise after the past few weeks. It’s much deserved.
My stomach curls and stops me in my tracks on the sidewalk. I put a hand out for support on the nearest structure and let out a small groan. This is what I get for drinking almost an entire bottle of whiskey. I shake my head.
“You’re an idiot,” I whisper to myself.
In more ways than one.
I suck in a long breath, hoping it will settle the churning of my stomach. That is the last time I drink based on my emotions. I hate that I even leaned into the bottle like that. I have been so good about finding other ways to cope. Healthier ways, like going to the gym and sweating it out. Avoiding the bars and clubs as a distraction, despite the shit I get about it from Jacob.
I know my father was a nasty drunk, and I don’t want to end up like him. Tonight was the closest I had come, and I don’t like it. Now that I’ve sobered up, I wonder if it was my father I imagined or if it was me. Either way, I don’t want to go back to that place. I don’t want to feel like this again.
Food will help. I remind myself of why I took this walk in the first place. I continue down the sidewalk with pizza on my mind. There’s a great corner spot just a few blocks away. If I can just get there and coat my stomach with cheese and grease, it might save me from major pain tomorrow.
There aren’t many people out right now. It is a Monday night, but this is New York. I pass by a few businessmen on the phone, not knowing when to shut off from work. I pass a couple hand in hand and wonder if it’s a new relationship or if they’ve been together for years. I hope for the latter because it seems like they’re still smitten with each other. Something I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone. The closest I got was with Erica.
I wonder where it would have gone if I never had to leave that morning. Would I have screwed it up shortly after? Relationships aren’t really my thing, so it’s a high possibility. Would I have been just as freaked out finding out she was pregnant as I was finding out I already had a daughter? Or maybe we would have figured it out together, putting our baby first and getting to know each other along the way.
It feels like everything we’ve done has been so backward, and I don’t know how to get it on a path that moves forward now. I never even really got the time I needed with Erica before everything blew up in our faces. We had one night together, when she finally gave in to the feelings we’d been avoiding, and she came home with me. Again. I thought it was going to be a fresh start for us, but then I saw her phone…
I still kick myself for reacting the way that I did. No wonder she doesn’t want me to be Josie’s father. I couldn’t even handle the idea of it. The way I threw her out. It’s just another thing added to the list of things that could have been done differently.
I jog across the street, not waiting for the crosswalk, and make it to the sidewalk, instantly regretting that short bout of exercise. I wipe my clammy brow, not from the jog, but from the whiskey,and rest for a moment. I look up to see one of my favorite restaurants. I wish I felt well enough to go inside, but sitting for a five-course meal when I look like I’ve been hit by a train is probably not the best idea.
I’m about to continue down the sidewalk, the glowing pizza sign just barely in view down the way, when something catches my eye. My feet are stuck, as if the cement was just poured and I’m the idiot who walked through it. I blink a few times, trying to understand if I’m seeing things correctly. I swear that’s Erica sitting in a booth near the back. I take a closer look, and am sure of it. I would know that smile from anywhere, the one that pulls her full cheeks up toward the crinkled corners of her eyes. The one that I so rarely ever saw or was the cause of. But there she is, giving it away to someone else. A man.
I can only see the back of his head, but I immediately hate him and have the need to know who he is. Especially now that I see he is holding Josie, her head asleep on his shoulder. My heart lurches toward her, but I’m still glued to the spot. The unsettled feeling in my stomach is replaced with one of yearning. Of hurt.
I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The woman I’ve fallen for and the baby we share at dinner with some other man. He is sitting where I am supposed to be. He is doing what I want to be doing. It doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel fair.
Not only does Erica not want me in either of their lives, but she’s already found someone to fill that position. I wonder if this is one of the “friends” she’s mentioned. Maybe he’s really been there for her all this time, waiting on the sidelines supporting her, ready to swoop in and make a move. I should be grateful ifhe has, but I can’t do anything but want to deck him in the face. Whoever he is.
And Josie. Oh, that’s the part that kills me the most. She’s so comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to be peacefully dreaming on his shoulder. Her beautiful face is enough to break my heart right here on the sidewalk. I’m losing her. That is, if I haven’t already lost her.
I take a step forward, with the irrational desire to walk inside the restaurant and confront Erica. My mind is whirling with questions and I feel like I might crumble into a million little pieces if I don’t get answers. I need to know who this man is. Who she trusts with our daughter, and with her own heart. Trust that I’ve broken too many times.
Sadness and anger and envy are pulsing through me right now… It feels like I might explode if I do go in there, and that won’t help anything, so I stop just outside the restaurant doors. If I go in there making a scene and smelling like a liquor store, then I could possibly lose them both forever. The court would probably not be in favor of a drunken, public disturbance.
No, I should go home. But I remember why I’m out here in the first place. Pizza. The flickering neon sign calls to me. Even though I’ve lost my appetite from what I’ve just seen, I know if I’m going to think about things with a clear head then I need water, electrolytes, and melted cheese. Then I will feel well enough to figure out what to do next.
I give one last longing glance through the window at the little family I crave to be a part of so badly, before continuing along the sidewalk. I’ve already made up my mind. I can’t live without either one of them, but if I continue down the path I was going down earlier, I will have to learn to.
Chapter 49
Erica