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“What?” he asks with a shrug.
“She’s a baby. You think she’s going to polish off a cheeseburger and fries?”
He looks over at her and laughs. “I don’t know. I know nothing about babies. I don’t even know how old she is.”
“She’s eleven months old.”
Hearing the words out loud is surreal, to know she’s almost a year old.
“Wow,” he says in an almost whisper.
I see a sadness creep into his eyes, and I wonder if it’s because he’s thinking of what he’s missed out on. What Imadehim miss out on. I push the thought away, and our attention goes to Josie who is putting on a show in her high chair. Marco is just as enthralled with her as I am, playing peekaboo and making silly faces.
When our food comes out, Marco helps me cut up a little bit of my cheeseburger and fries to give Josie. His tongue is slightly out as he concentrates on each cut. He’s so careful, making sure every bite is the perfect size. I find myself smiling, letting myself momentarily imagine what life could be like with us three. A pipe dream.
Chapter 38
Marco
When I get home from dinner with Josie and Erica, my apartment feels more empty than usual. My heart feels empty, like someone left a hole in it. A hole in the shape of my daughter and her mother, and it feels as though it has grown bigger in the short time I’ve been without them.
I loosen my tie and slide my jacket off before slumping down on the couch, replaying the evening. It couldn’t have gone more perfectly. I still can’t believe that Erica had agreed to let me meet Josie, let alone suggested dinner. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up high. I don’t even know exactly what I’m hoping for, I just know that I want Josie to be a part of my life. Erica too. I don’t know what that looks like, or if it’s even possible, given our history.
It’s just tonight felt so right. Being together, the three of us in a corner booth talking and laughing while the jukebox playedand Josie clapped her hands to the music. It felt like we were a family, a word I never expected to be a part of my vocabulary or life.
Still, I could feel Erica’s caution in the way she held back and in the way she looked at me, like she couldn’t quite grasp what was going on. It probably felt as surreal to her as it did to me, but I’m not sure she shares the same happiness I do. I can tell she’s scared. Of what, I don’t know, but it crushes me. Her walls are back up after I worked so hard to pull them down, brick by brick.
I wonder if I screwed everything up entirely by my actions in my penthouse the morning I found out her big secret, and the hurtful words I said in my office have probably left deeper marks in her than I had ever intended. I know I hurt her. But she hurt me too. But this isn’t a game of retaliation or pointing fingers. What’s done is done. I know trusting each other again won’t be easy, especially when there’s Josie to think about. I see how protective she is of her. Understandably so.
I’ve only just met my daughter, and I would do anything to protect her. I would do anything for her. Yet, Erica is her mother. She carried her inside her for months and months, nurturing her and loving her before she was even here. For the past year, she’s done motherhood on her own, making her the strongest woman I know, aside from my own mother. The love she has for Josie is fierce.
I don’t know how I can prove that to Erica that I don’t want to hurt her, or Josie, but I have to try. I pick my phone up from the coffee table and type out a text.
Me:Are you and Josie free tomorrow?
It takes a moment before I see the bouncing dots on my phone. I sit up a little straighter as I wait for the response.
Erica:We don’t have anything going on…
Me:Would you two like to go to the zoo?
I watch my phone expectantly, but a response doesn’t come through. I frown slightly, wondering if I’m pushing my luck. Maybe I should just be happy for tonight and not put any more pressure on the situation. It’s just the idea of it being the weekend and not having the rare chance of seeing both of them at work has me feeling desperate.
A few more minutes go by with no response. I sigh and walk down the hall to my bedroom. I take a shower and start to get ready for bed. It’s early, but sleep sounds good. My mind is spinning, making me exhausted.
I slide on a pair of sweats and climb into bed, using the button on my nightstand to close the automatic shades. I settle under the cool sheets and close my eyes, trying to push out the thoughts I know will keep me up. Like thinking tonight was too good to be true. But then I hear my phone buzz on my nightstand. I quickly turn over and snatch it up.
I open it eagerly.
Erica:Sure. Meet you there at 9?
I smile at my phone as a weight lifts off of me.
Me:See you then.
I fall asleep, eager for the next day, knowing I’ll get to see them both again.
The next morning, I arrive at the zoo just a few minutes before 9. I wait by the ticket kiosk, checking my watch every thirty seconds, willing time to speed up. Then I see Erica walking up the sidewalk, pushing a stroller with Josie in it. I give them a wave as they make their way over to me, through the other families lining up to spend Saturday at the zoo. I realize I’ve never seen Erica outside of work or work events, aside from my bed that is. She looks just as beautiful, if not more, in a pair of ripped jeans, a white tank top, and a Yankees cap. I laugh because I have a similar one on my own head.