Page 50

Still, when I walked out of the bathroom this morning and saw the phone in his hands and the look on his face, I knew my big secret was out. I try to shake the image of his face away as I get into the cab that’s pulled up to the curb. It was so angry. So sad.So betrayed. Three things I never wished for him to feel, but his face has ingrained itself in my memory, a cruel reminder that I hurt him.
It wouldn’t have mattered a few weeks ago when I was convincing myself to hate him. It was easier that way to keep my distance. But things changed, and last night was the catalyst. As we danced across the dance floor, I knew that what I had been really afraid of was falling for him, and had done just that. I was completely swept up in him. The way he carried himself. The way he looked at me. The way I yearned for him to touch me, even if it was just a brush of the hand. I was falling for my boss, the father of my child.
I let myself freefall into it by going home with him. Even after a magical night together, full of passion and making up for lost time, I wonder now if it had been a mistake. If I had never agreed to go to the party, I wouldn’t have ended up in his bed, and he wouldn’t have picked up my phone to discover the truth about me. And his daughter.
His daughter.
He said her name.
Josie.
I shiver as the way Marco said it echoes through my mind. Never would I have ever thought the word would roll off his tongue because he was never supposed to know about her. Now he does. I feel a slight panic set in as I wonder what happens next. Ialready know that whatever we have is over. He will never trust me again. But when it comes to Josie, what will his next move be?
I will the cab to go faster because I just need to get to Josie, as if somehow Marco is racing to do the same thing. I know he’s not. I’m sure he hasn’t even wrapped his head around the fact that he’s a father. I doubt this is something he wanted. A billionaire businessman with big plans doesn’t seem like the type to want to come home on time for dinner each night and reading bedtime stories.
Still, my mind lets itself wander to what that life might be like. It could have been good, if I hadn’t screwed it all up. How can I explain to him that I was trying to protect Josie? I know no explanation will ever be good enough, or make up for what I did, whether he wants to be a father or not.
The cab finally pulls up to my apartment building and I quickly pay the driver before practically sprinting upstairs. I unlock the door and fling open the door, looking around the room for Josie. I see her in the dining room. Sadie is feeding her lunch in her high chair and is looking at me in surprise.
“Erica…” She stands up from her kneeling position and looks at me, worry in her eyes. “What happened?”
I rush over and scoop Josie up into my arms, her face and hands are covered in applesauce, but I don’t care. I press her against my chest and rock her side to side, burying my face into her soft hair. I give her several kisses, fighting back the tears threateningto fall again. I look at Sadie, who is standing there with a spoon in her hand and waiting for answers.
“He knows,” I whisper.
She lets out a little gasp and puts a hand to her mouth. “How?” she asks, looking from me to Josie.
“Because I’m the world’s biggest idiot,” I say, stifling a sob.
Sadie gently takes Josie from me and places her back in the high chair where she resumes scooping up applesauce in her hands and shoveling it in her mouth, blissfully aware of the mess her mother’s in. Thank goodness.
“You’re not an idiot,” says Sadie sternly.
“Oh? So, working for my daughter’s father and then proceeding to sleep with him last night is not idiotic?” I ask sarcastically.
“You got swept up,” says Sadie with a shrug. “It was bound to happen eventually. You two can’t seem to stay away from each other.”
“But I should have known that. I should have quit like I intended to. Did I really think I could get close to him keeping a secret like this?”
“What did he say?”
“He told me to get out.”
Sadie chews her cheek. “Warranted. No offense to you. He’s angry. Just give him time.”
Sadie is always one to tell it like it is, and in this moment she’s not sugar-coating it. I weirdly appreciate it. If it were Beth, she would come up with some happy ending and how things always work out. I can’t handle that kind of disappointment knowing it will never be true.
“Time?” I laugh. “I see him tomorrow morning!”
Sadie pulls me in for a hug and rubs my back soothingly. “It’s going to be okay, Erica,” she says.
I doubt it.
The next morning, I’m a bundle of nerves. I feel like I might throw up at any minute, and it feels oddly similar to my first trimester. I greet the nanny and she starts her morning routine with Josie as I get ready for work. As I stand in my closet trying to pick out something to wear, it feels like I’m picking an outfit for my funeral. I don’t know how I’m going to face Marco today. It feels utterly impossible. I pick a black pantsuit, because it seems fitting, and throw my hair in a bun. I don’t bother with makeup because I have a feeling I’ll just cry it off at some point today. On the way out the door, I stop and kiss Josie goodbye. I don’t want to leave her, but I have to.
When I arrive at the office, I take out my work badge and tap it against one of the security kiosks. It blinks red and sounds off three blaring beeps. I try again, but it does the same thing. I move to another kiosk in the row, and try again. I’m met with the same thing. I try jiggling the rolling bar that’s keeping me out, but it doesn’t budge. I look around for help and spot the security guard walking over.
“Hey, Dominic. It’s not liking me this morning…” I say with a defeated smile.