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“Trust me, I would love to wash my hands of you. Honestly, I wish I never met you. I could go on living my life blissfully aware that you don’t exist.”
She stays quiet. I know my words are sharp and they’re cutting deep by the way she looks at me. I feel guilty for the way I’m hurting her, but the satisfaction I’m getting is winning the battle.
“But you do exist, and you’ve put me in a very tricky situation.”
“I’m sorry…” she says, her voice barely above a whisper.
“For which part? Lying to me about having my baby, or for sleeping with me after the fact?”
“All of it.”
“Do you know what would happen if this got out?” I ask, ignoring her apology.
“It won’t.”
“Good. You can continue carrying your little secret. You’re so good at it,” I sneer. “After this meeting, I want nothing to do with you. Or the baby. That’s what you want anyway, right?”
“I-I don’t know what I want. It was never meant to end up like this.”
“Like what?”
“I never meant to hurt you, Marco…”
“You didn’t.” I lie. “You’re just like every woman I’ve been with who finds out who I am. Trying to use me to their advantage.”
“I would never,” she says, her voice rising.
“Good. Because you will never get a single cent from me. Do you understand?”
“I never asked for anything.”
“And you won’t. I will not help financially in any way. You will not sue me for child support. In exchange, you can keep your job here.”
She looks off in the distance as she listens to my words. It’s as if they’re each delivering a blow to her, making her wince.
“We will pretend that nothing ever happened between us. If I see you in the office, I will pretend you don’t exist. I will pretend the baby doesn’t exist. You can go on pretending it’s fatherless.”
I pretend I’ve forgotten the baby’s name, even though Josie echoes through my mind every night like some sort of calling. I can still see her face, memorized and beautiful in the darkest corners of my mind.
“Are we understood?” I ask, raising a brow.
Erica looks up at me and nods, lifting her chin high with pride, even though I can see the tears forming at the back of her eyes. I can see my callous message was delivered loud and clear.
“You may go now.” I nod toward the door and reach for paperwork that means nothing to me to appear busy.
She slowly rises from her seat and walks toward the door. Only when I know she’s not looking, I slightly glance up to watch her leave. I know this will be the last time she leaves my office. This will be the last time we probably speak. I hope what I just did is worth it for the gaping absence I already feel.
Before she opens the door, she stops.
“Just so you know…” she says softly, not looking at me. “I would never try to exploit you in any way. That was never my intention. I knew you were Josie’s father the moment I saw you on the television all those months ago. If I wanted anything from you, I’ve had almost a year to ask.”
“You also had almost a year to let me be a part of her life.” I immediately regret the words as they slip from my mouth. They’ve exposed the feelings I’ve tried to hide away.
Erica doesn’t say anything. She just opens the door and slips out, closing it behind her. It feels like a black hole is swallowing me whole in the lack of her presence. I thought the past few weeks had helped me get over her, but I realize now that I’m far from over her. And I’ve just pushed her away forever.
Chapter 31
Erica