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After somehow finishing dessert on an already full stomach, Troy carefully hands me Josie, who is still sound asleep, her one cheek rosy from being nuzzled against his shoulder. She doesn’t even stir as I take her into my arms. After our main course, Troy insisted on holding her, saying he doesn’t get enough time with her. It’s not his fault. That is entirely on me. I know I need to be a better sister. A better aunt to TJ. A better mother too.
Talking with Troy tonight reminded me that all the things I’m doing to be there for Josie are, in fact, taking me away from her because my mind is all over the place. Between work, the tabloids, meeting with lawyers, the fear of losing custody, and wrestling with my feelings about Marco, the stress is getting to me. I feel like I’m never really present with Josie. I didn’t realize it until tonight, and the thought makes my heart swell with sadness. I wonder if she’s noticed.
It doesn’t mean that I’m going to accept Troy’s help though, at least outside of his advice from tonight, which he’s right about. He’s right about a lot of things. Starting with taking better care of myself, so I can be a better mother to Josie. That means figuring out what I really want out of work. The new position isn’t what I thought it would be, and somehow leaves me wanting more. If I could just figure out childcare, and the rest of my life, I could commit more to it. I can’t see myself leaving the paper, even though Troy doesn’t understand my commitment to it. It’s my baby, and I want to take care of it.
And I need to figure things out with Marco. That’s the hardest one on the list, but somehow the answer is easy. I think I’ve known it all along, but was too scared and stubborn to see. Idowant him in Josie’s life. Just getting a small glimpse of them together last weekend put everything into perspective for me. She wouldn’t have to miss out on having that presence in her life, or grow up asking questions about why she doesn’t have a dad. Somehow, I know he will be a good one to her.
As for us. I don’t know what will come of that. I know I miss him. I imagine a life with him, not just because I want to give Josie a complete family, but because I think I’ve fallen for him, despite all of the things we’ve gone through, which is more than most, and we have never actually been together. I wonder if a real relationship could ever come from such chaos.
The thought of no longer keeping this big secret feels so freeing. I wouldn’t have to worry about tabloids or trying to be careful around my own family. It hasn’t been fair to them that I’ve been lying, when I know they just have my best interests at heart. At least, Troy does. My mother and father haven’t been that greatabout how Josie came into this world, but they love her. I know they do. They might not be the best parents, but they are good grandparents when I let them be.
“Thank you,” I say to Troy.
He waves me off as he signs the receipt for a dinner that is probably as much as one week’s worth of my paycheck. I may not accept his financial help, but I’ll accept a free dinner every now and again.
“Not for dinner.” I roll my eyes. “Well, yes, for dinner. But for everything else, too.”
He sets the pen down and looks at me. “I just want you to be happy. Both of you.” His green eyes look to Josie in my arms.
I nod and give her a kiss on the head. “Me too,” I whisper.
Troy scooches out of the booth, helping me get to my feet, since my hands are full. My stomach too. I feel like I may burst.
“Let me take you home, yeah?” he asks.
“It’s just two blocks away. I could use the walk after that delicious meal.”
“Okay, then let mewalkyou home. I could use it too.”
“Sure. Okay.”
We walk in silence for the walk, silently digesting our meal and the conversation that was had. Soon, we are outside my building and I’m suddenly ready for sleep. Dinner was long and emotional.
“I could pass out right here on the sidewalk,” I say, rubbing Josie’s back.
“Please don’t.” Troy smirks.
“Thanks again, big bro.”
He pulls me in for a hug and kisses the top of my head, careful not to squish Josie who is between us. I didn’t realize how much I needed a hug like this from my big brother. The only man I’ve ever really felt safe with.
“Think about what I said,” he says softly.
“I will,” I say, and I mean it.
He must know I do because he gives me a knowing nod before turning and hailing a cab. I watch him go before heading into my building. I carefully change Josie’s diaper and change her into her pajamas. She barely opens her eyes. I set her in her crib and slip out the door quietly.
I pad down the hallway to my bedroom, and smile at my bed that sits in the center of the room, inviting me to fall into it. I change into my pajamas and tuck myself into the sheets, readyto welcome sleep. As I close my eyes, I see Marco’s face. His brown eyes are looking at me and he has that slight smile that could easily fall to a frown or burst into a grin, always keeping everyone guessing. I wish I could reach out and touch his face in my thoughts. I know right then and there the decision I’ve made. I’m not going to go forward with the custody papers.
Initially, I made the decision out of panic, and bringing them to him was premature and out of spite. It was wrong. I knew it the moment I saw his face as he read them. It was like watching his heart break in real time. It’s just that I had just been so angry about the tabloid, I didn’t know what else to do. I acted irrationally, thinking staying away from him would somehow protect Josie from the world, when I know he would do anything to protect her. I just hope I’m not too late in taking it all back. Tomorrow, I will tell him.
The next morning, as Josie and I are eating breakfast around my small dining table, there’s a knock at the door. Confused, I open it and see Beth standing there in one of her usual floral print dresses.
“Beth? What are you doing here?” I ask, leading her inside my apartment.
“I thought maybe I could help out with Josie today. Since the whole tabloid thing, I figured maybe you don’t want her to go to that daycare.”
“Really? But what about work?”