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Here I am, spending so much time with a man I’m keeping a secret from her, and her from him. A man who I’ve hated until recently. I can feel the iciness thawing the more time I spend with him. Maybe I should have gone through with the resignation, but it’s like I can’t make up my damn mind on what I feel for him. I’m completely lost in it. What kind of mother am I? I’m putting my future and Josie’s future at risk just because I get lost in the way he looks at me or the memory of his touch when I’m alone in bed at night.
When I leave the office at five, I rush over to the daycare to pick up Josie. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to pick her up, and not have to ask Beth or Sadie to because I’m working late. I told Marco I couldn’t stay late tonight, mostly because of Josie and partly because after the day we’ve had together, I can’t risk being around him any more than necessary.
As soon as Josie sees me, she crawls toward the daycare gate and puts her arms up. I smile at her as the young daycare worker scoops her up and hands her to me. I give her a big hug and a kiss on her forehead.
“We’re going to miss her,” says the daycare worker.
“We’ll come visit,” I promise.
It’s the last day of daycare for Josie since I found a nanny. I thought it would be better to have someone constant in Josie’s life, rather than daycare and putting the burden on Beth or Sadie when I needed help. They’ve already done so much. Plus, with my new salary, I can afford a nanny. She starts tomorrow. A young woman who is studying to be a teacher. Thankfully, she takes online courses, and I’m more than okay with her working on them while she watches Josie at my apartment.
Josie and I take the subway home and I begin making Josie’s favorite food right now, which is macaroni and cheese. We have a dance party around the kitchen and collapse on the floor in a breathless heap while the noodles cook. She puts her hands on my cheeks and smiles. I get teary-eyed as I look at her. I don’t know what I deserved to get this little girl.
“Mama loves you,” I say, giving her a kiss on the nose. The one feature she got from me and not Marco.
Marco.
Now that I’ve spent more time with him, I see him more and more in Josie. It makes me wonder if I’m making the right decision in keeping her from him. This big secret is weighing so heavily on me that I feel like I might suffocate sometimes. I wonder if it would be so bad if I came clean, but it’s too late for that now. Josie is going to turn a year old soon, and this whole time I’ve known he’s her father. He’d hate me. He might even try to make my life miserable by taking her away from me. Or worse, he will want nothing to do with her if I give him the chance to, hurting both of us. He doesn’t seem like that kind of person, but I remind myself that I hardly know him. I can’t risk it.
There’s a knock at my door, and I pull myself to my feet, lifting Josie up with me.
“Coming,” I say.
I open the door and see Sadie and Beth standing there with a bottle of champagne. I look at them, confused by this surprise celebration.
“What’s this about?” I ask.
“Your resignation party!” says Beth, clapping her hands.
Shit. I forgot to tell them that I had changed my mind, or more so that Marco had changed my mind.
“Oh…right,” I say hesitantly.
Sadie lowers the bottle and her mouth falls into a slight frown. “You didn’t do it, did you?” she asks.
“I couldn’t.” I shake my head.
“Erica!” says Sadie, putting her hands on her hips, while Beth stands by looking amused.
I push the door open and they each give Josie a kiss on the cheek as they walk in. Beth pops open the champagne and pours us three glasses.
“What are we celebrating now?” I ask, leaning against the kitchen counter.
“We’re not. I just like champagne,” she says.
We break into giggles, Josie joining in as she reaches for my champagne glass.
“This is mama juice,” I say, taking it out of her reach.
“So, what happened?” asks Sadie. “I thought you had your resignation letter ready to go.”
“I did…” I say, looking down at my feet.
“But?”
“But he convinced me not to go,” I say sheepishly.
“I’m sure he did,” says Beth, wiggling her eyebrows.