Page 119

Her eyes fall to the snow globe I’ve had with me all night. She smiles weakly, knowing it’s a gift for Josie.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come up? My brother will leave and we can do our normal bedtime routine…” she offers.
Everything in me wants to. I want to see Josie to give her the snow globe I brought her. To give her a bath and wrap her up tightly in her towel, while dancing around her room. I want Erica beside me, laughing at our ridiculousness. But I can’t. Not when things are like this. Not when there are still so many unanswered questions and unknowns and hearts on the verge of breaking.
I swallow hard, as if I’m swallowing the “yes” that so badly wants to come out. Or the kiss I want to give her. Instead, I shake my head.
“No, it’s okay. I’m tired after the travel day anyway. I’ll come by soon, though.”
She looks up at me as if she doesn’t believe me. “Soon” sounds so passive. So up in the air. But that’s what we are. That’s what all of this is. Up in the air. I wonder if we will ever find solid ground.
“Okay,” she says. I can hear the disappointment in her voice, just like she can surely hear the hurt in mine.
I hate that we’re here in this place, when all I want is for us both to be happy.
“Give her a kiss for me,” I say before turning toward my town car that’s parked just down the block. As I walk, it feels like I’m leaving everything behind. I don’t dare look back because seeing her standing there alone will tear me apart.
When I walk into my apartment, it feels even bigger than usual. My footsteps echo as I walk into the entryway and I quickly kick off my shoes to rid the sounds of my loneliness. The lights are off and I walk aimlessly in the dark, the dark blue hue matching my mood. I sink into the couch and let out a sigh. I wish I could say it feels good to be home, but I’d rather be anywhere but here.
This place just reminds me of everything I’m missing in life. The views and the fancy furniture can’t make up for the emptiness Ifeel, knowing my life is across town in a cozy apartment that’s filled with love and laughter. I don’t think there’s a place for me there, not if Erica doesn’t make one for me. Fully and trusting and open.
I curse the tears that form in my eyes as I think about a life without them both. I look up at the ceiling, hoping it will stop the tears from falling, but they fall anyway, settling into the corners of my lips, the salt strong against my tongue. I wipe them away, feeling like a fool. I don’t cry. I’m supposed to be The Shark. The billionaire. The cool and calculated man.
But I’m none of those things when I’m around my daughter. I’m just me. I thought Erica was beginning to see that. That it would ease some of her fears and let me into her life fully. I was a fool to think that. I’m beginning to see that we may never be together.
I thought we had a chance. After spending every night together last week, and talking to her while I was away in Canada. I thought we were at a turning point. But now it feels like we are back where we started.
I’m still a secret, and she doesn’t have any intention of changing that. I still can’t fully be a part of my daughter’s life because I have to hide who I am, and that crushes me. And what does that mean for me and Erica? How can we have a relationship that is still built on secrets? I run my hand through my hair frustratedly as my thoughts swarm around my head.
The one thing that keeps interrupting my thoughts is Erica’s face. Her smile, infectious and warm, wrapping itself aroundthe complicated inner workings of my tortured mind. It’s Josie’s smile. This whole time I’ve thought that she was all me. The spitting image of her father. But now, as I see Erica’s face in my mind, I see Josie’s too.
It hits me right there that I’m not only in love with my daughter, but I’m in love with Erica, too. I think I always have been. Ever since she bumped into me in that champagne dress, spilling my drink on my suit. I knew then. It’s why I ditched the party and the prospect of getting in with the owner. I forgot all about it when I met her. Nothing and no one else mattered besides getting to know that beautiful woman.
And I did. I got to know her laugh, the infectious one that makes you want to join in because of how genuine and carefree it is. I got to know that when she talks about something she’s passionate about, like the paper, her eyes dance a tango, fast and strong. I got to know the smoothness of her skin and the sway of her hips as we danced inside that jazz club, like we were the only two there. I got to know her boldness in the way she asked to go back to my place, giving me one of the best nights of my life. A night I didn’t want to end, which was why I let her stay, watching her fall asleep next to me like I couldn’t believe my luck.
Even through the mess that came afterward when she re-entered my life, I loved her. Her stubbornness. The way she pushed back, giving me a run for my money like no one else had. It was surprising and refreshing, and made me want her all the more.
When I found out about Josie, I was terrified. I didn’t have plans to become a father for fear of turning into my own. The morning when I saw Josie on her phone, I thought I hated Erica forkeeping everything from me. But deep down, I loved her harder. Fiercer. Because she was the mother of my daughter, and even though I didn’t know she had existed up until that point, it didn’t matter. A new love for Erica sprouted then. The kind you have for the other half of your child.
I know this love isn’t something that goes away. Hell, it’s been almost two years and I’ve never gone a day without thinking about her in some way, small or big. I can’t not have Erica in my life. It doesn’t matter that we won’t ever have a “normal” relationship or that I could possibly always be a secret in her life. I’ll do that for her. For Josie. I have to be okay with that, and I will, if it means not losing them both. If we’re together, I couldn’t care less about anything else.
I hate that I haven’t realized it until now, when I just left her outside the café. I should have told her. I should have pulled her in my arms and kissed her. I refuse to believe it’s too late to let her know my true feelings. I sit up from the couch and walk swiftly toward the door of my apartment, sliding on my shoes as I go.
It’s only been thirty minutes since I left her. She’s probably wrapping up Josie’s bathtime now. As I open my apartment door, I smile at the thought of them singing songs and splashing bubbles all around. I grab the snow globe from the entryway table and quickly get downstairs and hail a cab, too impatient to call my driver who I dismissed for the night.
As the cab speeds through the city, at my demand, I think about all the things I want to tell Erica. I have to win her back. For good. All my other attempts have never been enough becauseI’ve never told her how I really feel. But I love her. And I can’t wait to tell her. It has to be now.
Chapter 57
Erica
As I’m about to walk into my apartment, I blink back tears. I’ve already cried enough tonight, and now it feels worse knowing Marco isn’t here to wipe them away. It’s like I can still feel the warmth of his hand against my face and I miss it desperately. I wish he would have come up, but I know having my brother here just makes things awkward. I know that Marco is hurting. And why shouldn’t he be? The confusion I’m causing him. It’s unfair, and I hate myself for it.
I unlock the door and step inside, hoping my brother isn’t right there to see me like this. I’m relieved to see he’s not in the living room, but I can hear his laughter from Josie’s room. I walk down the hallway, trying to compose myself along the way, and find them on their backs on the plush ABC rug in the middle of her room. He’s reading her the penguin book that Marco bought her. Of course, he is. Just another sign of his absence in my life.
“Hey,” I say, meeker than I intended to.
Troy looks up at me and gives a knowing smile that says he’s onto me.