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stassi

What was I thinking? What was I doing?

I must’ve been possessed by aliens or something because I had no idea why I suddenly decided to have some grand ole fuck-it moment and say yes to going to this party with Alex.

I mean, did I want to explore my sexuality more?

Absolutely. Have I always wondered what it would be like to go to a sex party?

Yes. But I also thought those things happened in movies and romance novels, not in real life.

Yet, here I was, headed to a sex party with Alex, the man who confessed that he loved me, on my arm.

It was kind of a weird feeling. He was safe—he was always my safety and the only reason I would’ve entertained coming here in the first place.

Yet, I wanted to have the time to explore.

I huffed out a breath as we walked down the sidewalk together silently, hand in hand.

I could never have imagined saying that I wanted to do this with my ex.

He would have slapped me across the face, belittled me, and then gone to the party himself.

“Where are we going?” I said, trying to break the silence between us. I didn’t want him to think I was too far in my head.

“So tonight is actually at a hotel.”

I shot him a look. He said these things were private, which was the main reason I was going.

I didn’t want to be seen going to a sex party and then having to face the same people when I left.

What would I even say with my hair all messed up?

I knew I wouldn’t have to explain myself, but my anxiety was making me feel like everyone would be judging me.

Oh my God, what if someone else wanted to fuck me?

My rapid-fire thoughts ceased as realization dawned on me. I wanted to explore my voyeuristic side, but I didn’t think I wanted Alex with anyone else. It took us so long to get here, I didn’t want to ruin that.

“Hear me out though. One of the guys rented the suite of this hotel. It has three floors, five rooms. It’s basically an apartment. In fact, it’s probably bigger than mine. This also ties in with surprise number three.” He held a duffle out in front of his body as he walked.

“And what’s surprise three?”

“Whether or not we went to the party, I got us a room. I thought it would be nice to spend time together somewhere other than my apartment.”

That was thoughtful, but I needed to stop being surprised by Alex’s gestures. “Thank you.”

“Shit.” He tugged my hand, stopping me and turning us to face each other. “I forgot to ask if you wanted to go home and check on Damien. I’m so sorry?—”

A smile tugged at the corners of my lips.

I hoped he could see it in the dimly lit street.

The hotel was only a few blocks from the studio, so we had opted to walk and enjoy the crisp air.

“I texted Ledger when I was getting dressed. Damien was already passed out. He also told me he’d been sending you text updates all night. ”

Alex’s cheeks flushed, visible even in the low light. “He has been. I asked him to.”

“He said as much.” We started to walk again.

After being trapped in an abusive marriage, tonight felt like a gentle breeze that blew away the suffocating remnants of my past. If this was what dating felt like, then I should’ve done this forever ago.

A sharp pain hit my knees, a reminder of the trauma. Instinctively, not wanting to alarm Alex, I shifted my weight and looked up. This wasn’t what dating felt like; this was what dating Alex felt like. His kindness healed the scars left by years of pain and fear.

I had let fear dictate my actions, and in doing so, I had almost lost the one person who showed me what real love could be. The regret was a heavy burden, a constant reminder of my mistakes.

But I realized something important, too. If I hadn’t pushed Alex away, I would’ve never discovered my strength. I needed that time alone to learn that I could do it on my own.

I discovered a part of me that I didn’t know existed—a part that was capable, strong, and worthy of love. I learned to navigate life without leaning on anyone else, and that was an invaluable lesson. It gave me the confidence to face my fears, just as I was doing tonight.

Alex wasn’t a new chapter in my life; he was a whole new book, filled with promise and hope. His presence made me believe in love, in the possibility of happiness that wasn’t tainted by cruelty.

Alex’s love was freeing me, helping me rediscover who I was beyond the pain. As we neared the hotel, this was the beginning for both of us. It was the journey, the story, where we finally got to be together. This party was the last hurdle I needed to do before I gave him everything.

“You haven’t said much,” he asked as we neared the entrance to the hotel. “Are you sure?”

I nodded, swallowed once, and then looked back at the exorbitant hotel. This had to be a movie. There was no way I was going to be whisked to this fancy hotel to attend a sex party where I could potentially explore my needs. I laughed to myself.

“More than okay.”

He tugged on my arm as he held the door open for me. “Are you ready?”

“With you?” I told him. “Always.”