Page 36

alex

“I might puke,” I said to Dirks as I shifted in my seat at the bar where we were meeting Anastasia.

We purposefully came early, both already having had a few shots, and now I was a hot fucking mess in the booth I made the waitress seat us at for its location far away from the front door and also its privacy.

The bar was small, and its atmosphere was quiet and calm—a stark contrast to my nerves.

The walls were painted a dark green, and a small gold vintage light stood at every booth.

There wasn’t a lot of chatter, which meant we could hear each other.

I could see why Anastasia picked it. The menu mostly consisted of drinks and not food, which meant she wouldn’t have to sit through an entire meal if things got cut short, but I was going to do everything to win her back.

“I went online and typed his name in to see if he was still in jail in Indiana, and he is.”

I stared at Dirks, who I forced to sit next to me so she’d have her space on the other side of the booth. “Of fucking course he is.”

“Do you ever wonder what will happen when he gets out?” Dirks asked.

All the time. “I have no idea.”

I didn’t want to think about it because it had been a nightmare I constantly lived with for so long. I kept wondering what would happen when he got out and whether he would succeed in hurting Anastasia. He was charged with attempted murder, but he was only convicted of aggravated assault.

But that was a thought for another day because I had found her, and I needed to focus on keeping her around.

“I blame myself a lot,” Dirks said, looking down at the wooden table and snapping me out of my thoughts. “I was his friend. I watched him cheat on her. I didn’t...”

I patted him on the back. “Don’t, man. You were young, too.”

“She’s here,” Dirks said swiftly and stood up.

I had insisted on the inside seat so that Dirks could be my anchor, forcing me to sit down and not run wild.

“Hey, Stassi,” he said, leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek.

I stood up behind him, and when he finally moved, I let my gaze linger on her.

She looked different from the last time I saw her a few days ago.

She was wearing a strappy dress with a button-down shirt loosely draped over her shoulders and a pair of Keds.

Her long blonde hair was down and straight, cascading past her shoulders.

Her beautiful blue eyes sparkled even in the dim light of the bar.

I leaned in and wrapped my arm around her waist, feeling her tight against my body before giving her a brief kiss on the cheek. She pulled away, but I saw the flush on her cheeks as she slid into the booth across from me.

“Can I get an order of fries and a wheat on tap?” she asked the waitress, who nodded and disappeared.

“Did you guys order?” she asked us, and we both nodded. “Good.”

She was sitting right there, so close I could reach out and pull her onto my lap. Holy shit. Anastasia was sitting there, a few feet away, and I didn’t even know where to begin or how to start. The shock of seeing her again, looking so radiant and so near, left me momentarily speechless.

“So...” She looked between us, and I realized that Dirks and I must’ve looked like idiots as we stared at her.

“I’m sorry. It’s like seeing—” Dirks said.

“A ghost.” I finished for him.

She took a long, deep breath. “I wasn’t going to come.”

My eyes widened. “Listen, I didn’t have the words for what I wanted to say until a few days ago when my roommate helped lay it all out for me.”

“There is so much—” I wanted to tell her everything, confess all my sins.

She held up her hand. “No.” Her tone was commanding as she leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest. “Listen to me.”

Both of us nodded and clamped our mouths shut.

“I was eighteen years old when my mother thought it was a good idea for me to get married. It was the only way I was able to get the funding I needed to pursue my dream and be on a national team. I was far away from home, in an arranged marriage, because I was desperate to reach my goals and appease my parents.” She huffed out a breath.

I wanted so desperately to reach across the table, grab her arm, and tell her she didn’t need to say any of this, but her words spilled out. A part of me wondered if we were the only two people she was able to say this to.

“That relationship was one of the worst things to have happened to me, but since I was only a child, I had no idea that having sex with my husband didn’t involve a physical beating every time.”

Dirks put his face in his hand, not interrupting her, but the guilt he felt for the role he played by egging him on at the bars was clear.

“Alex,” she said, and my eyes shot up.

“Yeah?”

“You were the only one who ever made me feel safe. You, your home, your heart—it was my sanctuary. So when he did what he did, that day in the hospital, it consumed me. In just a few minutes, everything I thought I knew was turned upside down, and I was left scrambling, desperate to regain some sense of control.”

Suddenly, it all clicked, and my heart raced so hard inside my chest I swear everyone at the goddamn bar could hear it. “I know. I think about that day often. It was overwhelming.”

She nodded.

“I’m sorry,” Dirks murmured as he reached out to her.

Their hands met, intertwining in a gesture of comfort.

Jealousy clawed at me with an intensity I’d never experienced before.

I yearned to tear their hands apart, to demand that he leave her alone.

I wanted to reclaim her attention, to continue the conversation that was clearly meant for me.

But I forced myself to swallow back those impulses, allowing her words to sink in.

She deserved to have control over her life, I reminded myself. It didn’t mean I didn’t long for her to be mine, though.

“You did nothing wrong, Dirks,” she said softly.

When he lifted his head, tears were in his eyes. I turned and put my hand on his shoulder. I didn’t realize how much Dimitri had fucked up a lot of us, all processing this in our own ways.

“I did know. I knew he was with... others. He was out with her...” Dirks was crying. “I knew he was hurting you. I should have said something.”

She paused. “How did you know?”

He lowered his head. “He used to brag about it. He always tried to play it off as just a sexual thing, but after a while, it all made sense. I would invite him to party with us because I knew then he wouldn’t be home with you.”

I looked at Dirks. “I had no idea you did that.”

Dirks gave me a soft smile. “I was just trying to help, but I should have done more—been better.”

She squeezed Dirks’ fingers. “Thank you.” Tears streamed down Anastasia’s cheeks. “You saved my life. If he was always home, you’re right, it would have gotten worse. The more he partied, the easier it was for me.”

I stared at her, and when her gaze met mine, her eyes softened before flicking back to Dirks. “This isn’t your fault. I’m okay now. You need to stop beating yourself up about it.”

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

She gave him a soft smile. “Thank you.”

The waitress came by with our beers and food.

“Phew,” she sighed as she dipped a fry into the ketchup.

She held up her drink, and Dirks and I held up ours. When she spoke, though, it wasn’t to the table. Her eyes never left mine. “To being divorced, moving forward and to forgiving ourselves.”

“To moving forward and forgiveness,” I repeated, and then we all clinked glasses.

“How are you feeling, physically?” I asked while she picked at her fries.

“Back to normal for the most part. I have follow-ups every year, but I can walk and do most activities. It took a while. My mom was here until she had to leave, but I learned to walk after coming to Chicago—to their physical therapy program.”

“That’s good,” I said, still desperately wanting to reach out and grab her hands. “Do you skate?” I asked softly.

She shook her head. “I haven’t put on a pair of skates since the day before the accident.

The doctor says I should be able to, but I get scared because sometimes I get these shooting pains inside my knees, and if I was on the ice, I’d be terrified of falling and not being able to drag myself back up. ”

“I could?—”

“I don’t think I’m ready to try.” Her voice was quiet, and she looked down at her drink.

“How do you like work?” Dirks asked.

“Being a 9-1-1 dispatcher has its ups and downs. It wasn’t my first choice,” she mumbled, glancing at me with those blue eyes.

“I was working at night because it was easiest taking care of Damien, but now, with the camp, I was finally able to switch to days.” She smiled and straightened her shoulders.

If she worked nights, that must mean she was up all day taking care of him and probably not getting sleep. She must’ve been exhausted.

“Where’s your mom now?” Dirks asked.

“She’s back in Moscow, but she comes and visits every so often.”

A weighty silence hung between us, stretching on until it seemed almost tangible. I found solace in Dirks taking the lead in conversation because I was lost in a whirlwind of emotions, unsure of what words to offer beyond simply gazing at her.

“Are you working on your sewing projects?” I eventually managed to inquire.

A slow, melancholic smile danced across her lips. “With three boxes overflowing with fabric, it seems only right, doesn’t it?”

Her wink made my heart flutter, and I sank deeper into my seat. “I wonder who could’ve orchestrated such a gesture...” My words were heavy with unsaid sentiment.

I had sent her the fabric, hoping she was still sewing. I knew what it meant to her, a piece of her freedom, and I wanted her to know I’d help her find that again, no matter how hard she tried to push me away.

Dirks glanced back and forth between us, confusion etching his features. “Wait. Did someone bring you three boxes of fabric? Do you need us to beef up security?”

Anastasia chuckled softly and shook her head. “No, just a not-so-secret admirer.”

“But an admirer nonetheless,” I added, a knot of sadness forming in my chest.

“Oh, shit,” Dirks muttered, finally connecting the dots as he hastily downed his beer.

“But does this admirer understand that my life was crumbling, and everything spiraled out of control so quickly? I feel guilty for pushing him away, but?—”

“This admirer thinks of nothing else. He poured his heart out in one grand gesture because all he wanted was to see her awake after weeks spent in a hospital room, surrounded by the incessant beeping of machines...”

Dirks signaled urgently for the waitress as he darted glances between us.

“I know he meant well, but my life was in chaos, and I needed him to stand by me as he always had, instead of sacrificing everything for me...”

Tired of toying around with this game, I dropped the pretense.

I wanted to speak from the deepest parts of my heart.

“I would still give it all up for you though. I would have found a way to help you back then. I don’t want to control you, Anastasia.

I want you to soar. I never want to clip your wings.

I want to be there to see how high you can go, malyshka. You left me at the bottom.”

She pushed her drink aside and slipped out of the booth. “I, um, I need to use the restroom,” she stammered before darting away to the other side of the building.

“Damn it,” I exclaimed, shoving Dirks lightly. “I have to go after her.”

He pressed a twenty into my hand and said, “Get her back.”

I paused, embracing him briefly, before making my way toward the bathrooms.