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alex

“You’re sweating.” Cole badgered me as he handed me a beer from the cooler.

“Yeah, because it’s fucking hot,” I said, grabbing my shirt and fanning it out a few times.

We were upstairs at the pool of our apartment, and, of course, Chicago decided to be a little bitch and have it be one of the grossest hottest and humid days of summer.

“We got everything here. I even picked up Damien’s ‘extra apple’ apple juice that he told me he liked when he came by for pizza.”

“Good job, Ledge.” I gave him a pat on the chest, but there was more to it. I appreciated him managing my crazy need to make everything perfect.

“She’s going to be here soon?” Ledger asked, and I nodded.

“Should be.” I stared between the door to the pool deck and my phone.

I rented out the entire rooftop, which pissed off most of the residents because, well, it was the hottest day of the year today. I didn’t give a fuck. All I cared about was making her happy and comfortable.

“And next weekend? Are you still on?” I asked.

I’d asked Ledger if he’d be down to watch Damien overnight so I could take Stassi on a staycation over the weekend.

“For sure. The little guy is fun to be around.”

“I’d ask Dirks...” I didn’t want Ledger to know exactly what kind of a date I had planned for Anastasia.

“Wait... Hold the fuck on. Are you taking her to a?—”

“Don’t. No, I’m not,” I huffed out, feeling extra anxious. “How do you even know when the party is?”

“Oh my fucking god. You totally are.” Ledger stood up from his lounger, whipping around to face me.

“If you’re considering taking her to a party, that must mean.

..” His eyes widened. “Are you having sex with her?” he practically screeched, and I stood up, throwing my hand over his mouth, which only made him laugh.

“Shut the fuck up,” I demanded as he grabbed my shoulders and brought me in for a hug.

Before pulling away, he gave me a pat on the chest. “You sly fucking dog.”

I looked sheepishly at my feet before plopping back down on the pool lounger and staring at the door, willing the two people I so desperately wanted in my life to come through it.

“We did it for the first time the other day,” I murmured as Ledger lay down on the recliner next to me.

“And?”

“And what?” I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes and turned toward him.

“And you’re in love or some shit?”

I closed my eyes and looked up at the blinding light. “I don’t know, man,” I confessed, letting the sun seep into my skin before turning back toward him. “I think I’ve always been in love with her, but I lost her for so long that I’m scared I’ll mess it up.”

A long silence passed between us.

“I also . . .”

I never really had a close friend. Sure, I had the team, and Dirks was probably the closest thing to a friend I could have asked for, but for a long time, we lived different lives.

I waited for Anastasia for a year before I joined him at parties or clubs.

Somehow, I thought she was going to change her mind.

“Yeah?” He sat up, propping himself up and leaning on his knees.

I turned toward him and pushed my sunglasses up on my head. “She wants to explore more things sexually, and it’s not that I haven’t done that or that I’m not more experienced than she is, but it’s different when you’re with one consistent person versus a bunch of different ones.”

“What do you mean?” my very single friend asked.

“If I’m just with her, I’ll know all her likes and dislikes. Just because I’ve had sex many times doesn’t mean I’m any good at it. What if I can’t please her? What if she explores all these different things and decides I’m not good enough and leaves?”

Ledger laughed, and I shot him a death glare. He held up his hands defensively. “Alright, I hear you,” he said, still chuckling. “I don’t know what to say because I don’t know shit about being with a woman.”

“So don’t say anything then,” I grumbled.

“No, no. Hear me out.”

I leaned over to look at the giant on the recliner next to me. “What?”

“So, you and Stassi started out as friends, right?” he asked.

I nodded. “That’s the foundation of a good relationship.

None of that random woman bullshit, because that’s not real life.

You’re not going to be with someone toxic and then want to cook them breakfast in the morning.

With Stassi, you want her in your life, and the sex is a bonus. ”

“It absolutely is mind-blowing, though,” I added.

He paused, then added, “She was nineteen when she got married, Alex. She was married to a man who wanted her dead. He beat her because he didn’t want her to skate again. He liked keeping her on a short leash while he was having an affair with his mistress.”

I winced. The wound he was digging into was all too real.

“The pain you feel hearing that, imagine what she must go through daily. Imagine living with a constant reminder of what he did to her body. She’s gotta be as insecure about you guys having sex as you are.”

Ledger’s words hit me like a punch to the gut. Hearing Anastasia’s past laid out so starkly made my chest tighten with the same anger and sorrow I felt all those years ago. I wanted her to never feel that kind of pain again.

“Yeah,” I said quietly, swallowing hard. “It’s hard sometimes to put myself in her shoes and imagine the pain she went through.”

Ledger nodded, his expression serious. “Exactly. She’s been through hell, and she’s come out stronger. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have scars. Be patient with her, support her, and she’ll come to trust that you’re not going to hurt her like he did.”

I looked out at the blinding light again. “I get that. It’s just... I’m scared, too. Scared of not being enough for her, of somehow messing things up.”

“Fear is normal,” Ledger said. “But don’t let it control you. You want her, and that’s what matters. Show her and Damien that, and she’ll feel it. She needs to know that you’re going to be there to support her and not control her like her ex did.”

I nodded, feeling a bit of the anxiety melt away. Ledger was right. It wasn’t about being perfect; it was about being there, about showing up and proving that I was in this for the long haul.

“Thanks, man,” I said, turning back to him. “I needed to hear that.”

“Anytime,” Ledger replied, a small smile breaking through his serious demeanor. “You’ve got this, Alex. Just keep being you.”

Just keep being me, he said, like somehow it was easy to remember who I even was.

“Catch.” Damien threw me a ball as he jumped into the pool, floatie and all.

I caught it and laughed, but my eyes were fixed on the woman sitting at the edge, casually talking to one of my best friends. I’d be a dead man if I said I hadn’t been staring at her in that bikini.

Her long blonde hair cascaded down her back in soft waves, catching the sunlight and shimmering like gold.

Her bright blue eyes sparkled with laughter, the vibrant color intensified by the deep blue of her bathing suit.

The suit clung to her curves in the most tantalizing way, accentuating every line of her body.

The fabric hugged her hips, and the neckline plunged enough to tease, revealing a hint of cleavage that made my pulse quicken.

Her legs, long and sleek, stretched out lazily, toes skimming the water’s surface.

She exuded a casual confidence, completely at ease in her own skin, and it was impossible to look away.

“You know,” I told the boy as he swam toward me, lifting him into my arms when he got within reach. “Your mommy is very pretty.”

We both paused and stared in Anastasia’s direction. “I used to know her when you were a little baby,” I said to the little boy as I gave him an extra tight squeeze.

“My mommy told me.”

“Oh, she did?”

Damien nodded. “Yeah, she told me that when she was in the hospital with Grandma, you gave me a kiss right here.” He pointed to his forehead. “You told me that I needed to take care of Mommy.” Damien grabbed my cheeks. “I did a good job, didn’t I?”

His smile beamed across his face, and I wanted to wrap him as tight as I could in my arms and hold him the way I did when he was a baby. I wanted to hold him to make up for all the time I—we—had lost together.

“Sweet boy.” I nuzzled into his cheek with my nose. “You did the best job, but Mommy did a great job watching you, too. You guys make a pretty cool team.”

“Mommy and Damien,” he said, placing a kiss on my cheek.

My entire chest could’ve quite literally combusted. I looked back over at the side of the pool where Ledger and Anastasia were, and I wanted to pull her away from him and steal her heart forever because she had stolen mine a long time ago.

“That’s right,” I whispered as I swam to the ledge with the little boy in my arms.

“Alex?” Damien asked, and I stopped to look at him. His beautiful green eyes stared at me momentarily, filled with curiosity.

“Yeah?”

“Did you know my real dad?” he asked. “The one who’s gone for a long time.”

I closed my eyes, unsure of how to answer that. I glanced at Anastasia, but she was too far away, engrossed in conversation. Uncertainty gnawed at me, and I hesitated, not sure if I should swim over to her for guidance.

Taking a deep breath, I lifted Damien up in my arms so we were eye level. “I did know your dad, buddy,” I said softly. “He was around when you were very little.”

Damien’s eyes widened a bit. “Was he nice?”

The question pierced through me, a mix of innocence and longing. A lump formed in my throat. “Sometimes, Damien,” I replied carefully. “But he had a lot of problems that made it hard for him to be the dad you deserved.”

“How did you know him?” the boy asked.

“We played hockey together. We were on the same team. That’s how I met you and your mom.”