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stassi

Once the shock of seeing him passed, I was finally able to get up. I wanted to avoid this situation, but alas, here I was, and now I had to face it head-on.

He looked good. His sharp jawline was somehow thicker and covered in stubble. His hair was cropped shorter, but still long and gelled back. His shoulders were incredibly massive, somehow more so than I remembered, and his forearms flexed as he walked. I couldn’t help but stare at him.

I shook my head, trying to get the picture of him out of my mind. I started to walk back to where Damien was eating his snack, but another big, very tall guy stopped me. I had to crane my neck to see his face. He had a thick black beard and wore the same Chicago Ravens shirt.

“Oh god. Another one?” I accidentally said aloud, and he only laughed. “Sorry,” I said quickly, covering my mouth.

“Mind if I walk with you?” he asked, and I shrugged as I continued walking toward the campers and kids.

“Go out to dinner with him.”

I stopped dead in my tracks, the summer grass crunching beneath my feet. “What?” I balked. “He told you who I was?”

The guy paused. “Sorry, that was rude. My name is Ledger. I’m the captain of the Ravens.” He stuck out his hand, and hesitantly, I took it.

“That didn’t answer my question,” I said, placing my hand on my hip, waiting for his response.

“We’re friends. No, he doesn’t tell everyone, but when he spotted you earlier, he had to leave the auditorium. He was going to leave altogether, but I convinced him to stay,” Ledger explained, shrugging as if what he said was nothing.

But it was far from nothing for me. It was everything. I was terrified of all of it. I had spent so long avoiding him that seeing him in person made me want to run away.

The reality was that I was the one who had sent him away. I told him to leave because I was too much of a coward—and maybe still am—to ask for help. I had pushed him away out of fear and now faced the consequences of my own actions.

As Ledger continued walking, I stood there, wrestling with the flood of emotions.

The past was no longer a distant memory; it was right here, demanding to be confronted.

I had to decide whether I was going to keep running or if I was finally ready to face the man I had once loved and the future I had pushed away. I ran toward Ledger.

“Wait,” I shouted. “He was scared?”

“Fucking terrified. Can you imagine seeing you in a brand-new city halfway across the country with the kid that he helped raise for months?”

That should’ve hurt me, but it didn’t because it was the truth. “It must’ve been a surprise.”

Ledger huffed out a breath. “Yeah. No shit.”

He stopped walking right before we reached the rest of the group. I halted in front of him and was forced to look upward.

“Listen. I don’t know you, and I certainly don’t know your situation, but he’s messed up about how everything went down.

You don’t owe me anything, but sit down with him,” Ledger said, gesturing over to where Dirks and Alex were passing out snacks.

“Sit down with both of them, actually, and tell them you’re okay before you decide to move on.

The last time they saw you, neither of them thought you’d walk again. And you look good.”

A flush crept onto my cheeks.

Ledger must have noticed because he laughed. “No, not like that. I don’t mess around with girls where my buddy has already laid claim.”

He turned around to join the group, leaving me to process what he’d said. I wasn’t anyone’s to claim, but I did owe Alex an explanation of what happened.

The memories of the day I kicked Alex out came rushing back.

I had just woken up and was told that my legs were likely not going to work again.

I kicked him out because I thought it was the best thing for him.

Looking back, it was abrupt, cruel even.

I had been in such a dark place, consumed by fear and pain, that I couldn’t see past my own suffering.

Imagining how he must have felt—confused, hurt, abandoned—made my heart ache.

I had pushed him away without a second thought, not realizing the impact it would have on both of us.

Decisions weighed on me as I stood there. A part of me was curious if he was okay, if he had managed to move on, or if he still thought about me. Seeing him from a distance brought back a flood of emotions, and I knew I couldn’t avoid this confrontation any longer.

With a deep breath, I made my way over to where Dirks and Alex were standing. Dirks noticed me first, his eyes widening in surprise. Alex turned slowly, and the look in his eyes was a mix of shock and something else—maybe hope.

“Hi,” I said, my voice trembling slightly. “Can we talk?”

Dirks nodded, and Alex and I stepped aside, giving us some space from the rest of the group. For a moment, neither of us said anything, the silence heavy with unspoken words.

“I’m sorry,” I began, my voice quiet. “For everything. For pushing you away, for not giving you a chance to understand.”

He lifted his hand. “This...” He looked around. “It isn’t the place. I have so much to say?—”

“Me too.” I interrupted him.

“Come to dinner...?” He wasn’t just asking, he was close to begging.

“I don’t know.” I looked down, wringing my hands. “I worked so hard to avoid you, Alex. I worked so hard to keep you out of my life. If you cross the line and enter my life, I’m scared I’ll bring you down with me again.”

He shook his head. “Never. Because from where I’m standing, you’re not below. You’re standing pretty fucking tall.”

You are not going to cry. You are not going to cry.

I had spent years—four and a half, to be exact—working to reach this place, a place where I felt strong and powerful.

Some days, I believed I could conquer the world; other days, I felt as small as I did when I was newly married and enduring his abuse.

Hearing someone validate work I put in every single day shattered something inside me.

It broke down the walls I had built around my castle—my fortress.

It tore down the barriers I had erected to protect myself from being hurt again.

I sighed. Alex was good at that. He had a way of showing me things I didn’t know how to see in myself. He was good at not letting the bad days win, at finding light in the darkest moments, and at giving me the foundation to stand as tall as I did today.

I hesitated. After everything Alex had done for me, after all the ways he had lifted me when I felt like I was drowning, it felt impossible to turn him down. And besides, if Dirks came along, it would just be a couple of old friends catching up over a meal. That was all.

At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

But deep down, I knew there was more to it than just dinner.

The way Alex looked at me, the way his presence made me feel both safe and vulnerable at the same time—it was intoxicating.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready for what that could mean.

And yet, the thought of declining his invitation felt like shutting a door on something that had the potential to be. .. everything.

“With Dirks.” I looked up at him, searching his familiar eyes for the answer to what I should do. “I’ll go to dinner with you and him.”

“With Dirks,” he repeated.

I shouldn’t say yes. I should run the other way. Damien didn’t deserve my past bleeding into his future, but my curiosity was too much for me to contain.

“I can pick you up. You can bring Damien, too.” Alex offered.

He was searching, desperate for me. It was as if we both knew that if I walked away now, the door would shut all over again. He stepped closer, closing the gap between us, and looked down at me.

“I miss my friend,” he whispered.

But that was the problem, wasn’t it? We were never really just friends. We were so much more.

He noticed my hesitation. “We started off as friends. We can still be that, but we can also just be label-less too. I... want to know you’re okay.”

“Just drinks, and I can walk and meet you.”

He nodded, and I took a step away from him. “Okay. I can have my roommate watch Damien, but I’m only available Wednesday.”

It was only a few days away, and I was lying. Any longer, and I’d psych myself out from going. Any earlier, and I might not have childcare for Damien.

He nodded quickly. “Yes. Perfect. We don’t have a game then.”

“Meet me at McCleary’s in the West Loop at five.”

“I can text you and pick you up if you need it?” he asked.

I shook my head. No, I didn’t want him to have my phone number yet. I wasn’t ready.

He swallowed. “Fine. We’ll be there. I’ll tell him.” He pointed to Dirks, and I turned to head back to Damien when his hand on the back of my arm stopped me.

“Anastasia.” His velvety voice was thick and raspy. I turned to face him. “Thank you.”

The sadness in his eyes mirrored the ache in my heart. This encounter was dredging up wounds that had barely healed, but there was no turning back now.

I gave him a quick, tight-lipped smile before I grabbed Damien and headed back to my car. I was not going to break down. Not in front of Alex. Not in front of Damien. I was going to save it for a giant vat of ice cream and my emotional support sewing machine tonight.

“I’m sorry what!? You saw him and let him walk away?” Alina was sitting cross-legged next to me on the carpet.

It was the first time we’d gotten to catch up after our opposite work schedules. I’d gotten Damien down for bed, and when Alina came in from her shift at a distribution center, she brought us two glasses of wine that we had saved for moments of celebration or sadness. This glass was for the latter.