Page 49

alex

“I would do anything for you. I’ve always felt like this.

” My heart was beating fast and loud. I wanted to dive over the table, take her hands into mine, and cover them with kisses.

I wanted to tell her all the reasons I wanted to do this for her were because I was madly and wildly in love with Anastasia Illyiana and have been for the last five years.

“No.” She shook her head quite a few times before bracing her hands on the table.

We hadn’t even gotten to dinner and were already having this conversation.

I leaned over the table. “Anastasia. I met you, and you were married, but the moment I laid eyes on you in my apartment over a vat of borscht, I knew there was something very special about you.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I couldn’t let myself fall in love with you back then. I did everything to avoid you, but the day you walked into my apartment with those bruises, my frozen heart shattered into a million pieces. I couldn’t let you go because losing you meant not knowing if you were safe.”

“But it’s not your fault. What happened wasn’t because of you. He had everything planned. He was a bad guy, Alex.”

“I know that now,” I told her. “But I blamed myself. I thought I was protecting you by not saying anything. I kept thinking about my family and my cheating father and wanted so desperately not to be like him that I left you in the dust. I blamed myself that night. I still think I do.”

Tears formed in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

“After we got into our first fight, I spent the next day obsessing over whether or not I pushed you away.”

“Y-you didn’t,” she said faintly.

“I knew you were special to me, but...” I closed my eyes, imagining the day Damien was born.

“Alex, please.”

My chair squeaked across the wooden floors as I pushed it back and stood. I walked over to where Anastasia was, grabbed her hands and held tightly.

“When Damien was born and I was at the hospital, I fell in love with you, Anastasia. I’m crazy about you.” Tears ran freely down her cheeks. “I loved you so much that when you asked me to leave, I did it without a second thought because you told me that if I loved you, I’d also let you go.”

“I didn’t mean?—”

“No.” I stared deeply into her blue eyes. “I’m not bringing this up to hash that out again, I promise. I’m telling you I never stopped loving you and seeing you in the field with Damien was fate.”

She swallowed. “It was.”

“Can I kiss you?” I asked, and within seconds, her mouth came crashing down to mine.

Her lips were a flurry of love, desire, and friendship. Somehow, our relationship started with the basics. We were friends first, but I’d come to realize I needed her like I needed oxygen to breathe.

When we finally pulled away, I kept my arms tightly wrapped around her.

“Thank you,” she whispered breathlessly. “For everything.” She dropped her forehead to mine.

“Can we eat now?” I said, trying to lighten the heavy conversation.

She pulled away, giggling. “Please. I am starving.”

I didn’t know how to tell her where else I wanted to bring her tonight. I didn’t know how she’d respond.

“Why are you so antsy?” she asked.

I kept fumbling with my napkin, unfolding it, then refolding it in my lap while I tried to gather the courage to tell her where I wanted to go—where I wanted to take her.

“I, uh—” I coughed. “I have another sort of field trip on this date, but only if you want to go.”

She narrowed her eyes as her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “I don’t get it.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Do you still want to explore things sexually?” I asked and peeked my eyes back open.

“Oh, uh, wow. This is definitely not what I expected.” She giggled.

“Okay, but you’re following?” I leaned back in my chair, shifting one of the candles on the table so I could get a better view.

“Roger. Following,” she said in jest.

“While you were gone, I used women as a way to try and distract myself. A lot of the time, some of the guys on the team and I would go to these parties...”

This was fucking embarrassing. I wasn’t trying to kink shame myself or anyone else in the group, but I wasn’t sure if Anastasia was going to judge me for the parties I attended—the high I kept trying to chase when she wasn’t around.

“I know this, Alex,” she said tenderly, reaching her hands to me. “It’s different now.”

Her smile encouraged me to continue, no matter how hard.

“Well, er, anyway, so sometimes some of the guys on the team host parties where it’s kinda like a big... sex party?” My voice accidentally went up at the end, making it sound like a question.

I looked down at our interlocked hands, wondering if she would pull away from me when the words registered. A few beats passed, and her hands still firmly held mine.

“Okay . . . go on,” she said curiously.

“Okay, so sometimes, a few of the guys—and some from other sports teams, too—we all get together to host a party and invite a few girls that we meet at bars or whatever. It’s easier if it’s at someone’s house because it’s a quick way to pass out an NDA.”

“Oh. Well, actually.” She huffed out a laugh. “That makes a lot of sense.”

I shrugged. “Yeah. It does.”

She stared at me. “And those parties... What happens?”

I rubbed my thumb against the tops of her hands.

“It varies a lot, depending on the party. You mentioned feeling upset because you never got the chance to explore, and that’s what these parties are about.

There are usually a lot of threesomes, sharing, group sex, and sometimes people come for the voyeuristic or exhibitionist experience. ”

Truthfully, these parties were always a “whatever goes, goes” kind of event.

I’d been attending them since I moved, though I’m sure I could find a similar group anywhere.

I enjoyed sex, and like Anastasia, I loved to explore.

With my years of experience, I wanted to share this with her and see if it’d be something she’d be open to.

“Wait.” She hesitated, pulling her hands away and crossing her arms over her chest. “There’s a party tonight, and you want me to come with you?”

Oh. That was easier than I expected. I guess I pieced it together for her, judging by the way her hand pulled away from mine.

Anastasia’s eyes widened, and she fidgeted as she crossed her arms tighter over her chest. She bit her lip, glancing away from me, clearly conflicted. Uncertainty was written all over her face.

“Anastasia, you don’t have to decide right now,” I said softly, trying to ease her tension. “I thought it might be something you’d be interested in.”

Her silence stretched out, and I started to second-guess myself.

Maybe I had pushed her too far, too fast. The last thing I wanted was to make her uncomfortable, especially with the new studio.

This was supposed to be a fresh start, a new chapter for both of us.

What if I had jeopardized that by bringing this up?

“I’m sorry if this is too much,” I murmured. “I shouldn’t have sprung it on you like this.”

Anastasia took a deep breath, finally meeting my gaze. “No, it’s not that I’m not interested,” she said slowly, as if carefully choosing her words. “It’s just... a lot to take in. I’ve never been to anything like that before.”

“I know. There’s no pressure. I happened to?—”

“Why isn’t Ledger there?” she asked.

I chuckled. “He doesn’t go to these events, says he likes meeting girls the old-fashioned way. And he’s absolutely terrified, even though there are NDAs. He’s got a lot of anxiety as the captain that someone might recognize him.”

“Ah.” She nodded a few times like she understood. “And Dirks?”

I swallowed, unsure if I should tell her the truth. “He attends.”

“Will he be there tonight?” Her right eyebrow raised in question.

“Yes.”

“I don’t know, Alex. That just added a very complicated layer to all of this.” Her words sank in, and I realized that, even momentarily, she was considering attending the party. “I don’t even know what we are.”

I knew exactly what we were. She was mine. The answer for me was quite simple, but we hadn’t had that discussion yet.

“We can take it slow. I didn’t realize that was something you wanted to discuss.” A slow smile crept on my cheeks.

“I’m okay with just being . . . us.”

“Me, too,” I admitted, not wanting to pressure her.

There was another pause.

“On a personal note, outside of this whole sex party, I don’t want Damien to have men in and out of his life. That’s the most important thing for me.”

My smile fell. “It’s always been the most important thing for me, and you know I’m never leaving you. You’re both mine.”

She reached up and ran her smooth fingers along my stubble. “We do this together,” she whispered.

It wasn’t a question, more a statement.

“Together.” I paused. “I don’t want to push you into anything. If you aren’t ready now, we can?—”

“Fuck it,” she said, standing up abruptly and sending her chair flying back. “Did you bring my bag?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and jogged to the door where I’d dropped our bags.

There wasn’t a couch here, but I had an alternative date planned elsewhere if she rejected the idea of the party, so I brought them to the studio, figuring we could still use them either way.

I grabbed her black duffel and handed it to her.

She took it and walked to the other side of the room, throwing it down on the table and quickly opening the zipper.

She rifled through her bag, and a smile lifted my cheeks as she frantically searched for something.

I stayed behind her, giving her space because she had just fucking said yes, she wanted to come.

Although I didn’t think I’d be able to believe it was true until we were headed to the party.

“Aha,” she exclaimed. “I found it.”

“Found what, malyshka?” I asked, and she held up a very lace, very sheer blue lingerie piece.

“This.” Her eyes matched the blue of the thin pieces of fabric in her hand.

Taking two large steps, I closed the distance between us. “What is... this?”

I knew exactly what it was, but my blood was pumping south, and we hadn’t even made it out of the studio yet. I glanced behind her at the table, calculating how I could throw her on it and fuck her.

“Is this good enough? For the party?” She shook her head. “I mean, if I wear it underneath my dress. It’ll fit fine, you might see?—”

I grabbed the skimpy piece from her. “It’s more than perfect, but if you change right here, I don’t know if we’ll even make it to the party.”

“No.” She shoved me back from her a little and snatched the teddy from my hands. “I want to go to the party.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

She nodded. “I really want to go, but I have one stipulation.” She tucked the piece of lingerie underneath her arms.

“Anything.” I promised her.

“I don’t want to do anything without you. I was thinking, and I still don’t think I’m ready, but I don’t want to do things without you.”

“I want to be there for you. I want to give you space when you need it, but I’ll be right there.” I ran my hands up and down her arms.

Her eyes lit up, the blues bright in the dark studio. “This is all so wild and new for me, but it’s also exactly what I asked for, Alex. Thank you.”

“Anytime.” I stepped closer to her and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Let me get dressed, then we can go?”

A sly smile crept onto my face. “I’m ready when you are.”