Page 19

stassi

It had been the longest twelve hours of my life. With Damien still in the NICU and me stuck in recovery, I was consumed by exhaustion, worry, and anxiety. The sterile hospital environment only amplified my sense of isolation and fear.

They had kicked Alex out a few hours ago to run some tests on Damien.

The doctors insisted he was healthy, two months early.

Alex came back up here even though I told him I would be okay.

I glanced toward the corner, where Alex was sprawled on the small couch bed.

He was so tall he took up the entire thing, his limbs awkwardly bent to fit. He couldn’t be comfortable.

When my water broke in the middle of the night, I was terrified of being alone.

I didn’t have Alex’s number, and the game had ended, so I figured he was out with the team.

The shift in our dynamic since I told him I was pregnant had been heartbreaking.

I couldn’t skate anymore, and losing my only friend left me feeling more exhausted and alone than ever.

I called Coach out of desperation to help me find Dimitri. I had called him nonstop, but his phone was off. My mother was coming from Russia to help me while Dimitri was traveling to his games but not for another week.

The only silver lining about being pregnant was that Dimitri spent more time out of the house with whoever he was with. I knew he was cheating on me, but I didn’t care anymore.

I was a shadow of myself, caught between the pain of my home and the uncertain hope of the future. Watching Alex sleep, I wished for a different life, one where I didn’t feel so overwhelmingly sad and alone.

I closed my eyes, wondering if somehow I left them closed long enough I’d be able to escape the pain that festered inside my chest. I had my son to live for now, but now, more than ever, I didn’t want to live. This was my fault.

After the game, Dimitri came home and yelled at me for leaving early.

He said I was a coward and should’ve shouldered through the pain.

When he pushed me against the wall, my stomach cramped.

Then he left, and the moment the door shut, my water broke.

The outcome could’ve been so much worse, and I should’ve stayed home from the game.

I was too scared to knock on Alex’s door. We had gotten too close that one day I told him I was pregnant. We crossed some boundary, and the moment his hands came to my chin, I was a goner. But he was here with me, comforting me and helping me through one of my most life-changing moments.

I finally opened my eyes and realized he’d pulled up a chair and was sitting next to me. His eyes were exhausted, and he kept flexing his jaw.

But what I really saw were all the ways I’d messed up, thinking that staying with Dimitri was for the best, allowing him to hurt me.

I knew Alex would help me run away, but now, with Dimitri’s son sitting in a NICU room a few floors below us, that would never be possible.

I was too much of a coward for months, and now my escape plan was so much more complicated.

“What’s wrong? Are you in pain?” Alex asked, and I realized I was crying.

I shook my head. I was in pain but not physically, at least. “I messed up.”

He reached for my hand, carefully intertwining his fingers with mine as he traced the lines etched on my palm. “No. You didn’t. You were so?—”

The door to the room slammed open, and Alex pulled his hand away. I turned to see my husband standing there, looking disheveled in unbuttoned jeans, his shirt on backward, and his blonde hair a tangled mess. He looked like hell.

“You had the baby?” he practically shouted, and Alex jumped up from his seat, positioning himself protectively between me and my husband.

“Her water broke. Coach called me when no one could get a hold of you. Damien, your son, is in the NICU downstairs,” Alex said, his voice steady but edged with tension.

Dimitri’s face fell, and for a brief moment, my heart panged with pity. He glanced rapidly between Alex and me.

“Thank you for taking care of her,” he told Alex, who only nodded. “I’ve got it from here.”

Alex turned to look at me, his body now shielding his reaction from Dimitri. “Are you okay?” he mouthed.

“Yes,” I whispered. “I’d like to go see Damien with you, Dimitri, if they let us.”

“Yes, of course. I’ll go ask the nurse.” Dimitri paused as he started to head out the door, then turned back to Alex and gave him an unexpected hug.

Alex kept his arms at his side, but his eyes never left mine, filled with concern and unspoken words.

Dimitri pulled away and turned to me before heading out the door. “I’m going to do better.”

The franticness of the moment lingered, the room still charged with his abrupt entrance and the raw emotions swirling between us. As Dimitri left to find the nurse, anxiety gnawed at my insides.

“Thank you for being here,” I whispered.

“I’ll always be there for you,” Alex whispered before lowering his head and heading out the door.

His jaw ticked as if he wanted to say something, and with the last glance he sent my way, his eyes were filled with a palpable sadness.

“Thank you,” I mouthed, and he dipped his chin before turning and leaving the room.