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stassi

“No, no, no. This cannot be happening,” I cried, rushing to the medicine cabinet. I grabbed some children’s acetaminophen, desperate to bring Damien’s fever down.

“What’s wrong?” Alina asked, poking her head out of her room.

“Damien has a fever, which means he can’t go to camp. I already missed a day of work this week, and I’ll be in massive trouble if I call in again. Can you watch him, or do you have to work today?”

Alina looked regretful. “I can’t. I have to go in. I’d call out, but I only have a few days left of sick time.”

A pang of guilt waved through me knowing she had used her sick time on Damien earlier in the year.

I sighed, dosing the medicine. “No. It’s okay. I’ll figure something out.”

I walked into Damien’s room, where he lay listlessly on his bed, cheeks flushed with fever. “Hey, buddy,” I said softly, sitting on the edge of his bed and holding the medicine spoon to his lips. “This will help you feel better.”

His blonde hair was splayed out on his pillow. “I don’t feel good, Mommy.”

“I know, sweetheart. Take this, and Mommy will stay home and take good care of you.”

He swallowed the medicine with a grimace.

I tucked him in tightly with his favorite stuffed animal, Bear, nestling beside him. “You rest, okay? I’ll be right here.”

Damien nodded weakly, clutching Bear close. As I watched him drift off to sleep, I had no idea how I was going to manage this. I needed to be at work, but my son needed me more.

I gently closed the door behind me and pressed my back against the frame.

Something about my child being sick brought back memories of my own year in the hospital.

I went to the worst-case scenario, which wasn’t healthy or helpful when trying to be stable and secure so as not to freak out Damien.

But dealing with medical issues made me so anxious.

I wanted to freak out, yell, panic, and hide in a hole all at the same time.

Alina walked toward me and wrapped me up in a hug. “It’s just a little bug. I’m sure he picked it up from camp. When kids start school, it’s common for them to get sick at first.” She pulled back when I didn’t respond, gripping my arms. “What was his fever?”

“It’s only 99.9, which is super mild.”

“Yeah, and it’ll pass. Honestly, he’ll probably be better after he wakes up.”

I nodded and then sobbed into her shoulder. “It freaks me out. I just bring myself back to that year where I couldn’t even pick him up, Alina.”

“I know,” she murmured softly as I completely ruined her shirt with my wet tears. She pulled away from me. “You know what, I think I may have a plan. Come with me.” She grabbed my hand and led me into the living room, making me sit on the couch. “Give me your phone,” she demanded with her hand out.

I squinted at her, not sure what she needed my phone for, but I handed it over because if somehow she was going to find a way out of this situation, then I’d give her anything to help.

“Stay sitting.” With a sly smile, she opened my phone and looked at me. “Don’t be mad at me.”

“What are you doing?” I furrowed my eyebrows. “Seriously.”

“Okay, you know how you were having your Notebook moment downstairs yesterday with your new boyfriend?—”

“Uh, okay. First, he is definitely not my boyfriend. I liked the way he kissed. You were the one who told me to go for it,” I squealed.

“Yeah, yeah about that . . .” Alina continued.

“Wait, I told you I might want to explore it, whatever it is, because he makes me feel safe, and honestly, I missed spending time with him.”

“Exactly, and what else did you say?”

I narrowed my eyes at her as she paced with my phone in her hand.

“You know after he kissed you and before you came up here?”

“When I was giving you a play-by-play, I didn’t realize I’d be tested on it the next morning.”

“Ugh,” Alina said, throwing up her hands as if she was giving up. “You told me he said he wasn’t going to go away this time. No matter what, right?”

“Yeah...” I wasn’t sure how this was all connected to the fact that Damien was sick. “I really need to figure out what I’m going to do for work, Alina.”

“I know, which is why you’re not going to hate me when I do this.” She dialed a number in my phone before putting it on speakerphone, and I watched as it rang.

“Who did you call? My boss?” I shot off the couch and went over to see, but she held the phone tightly in her hand, jumping up and down frantically as I tried to reach it. My blonde hair was wild around my frame, and as I tried to grab my phone, she dodged me and ran into the kitchen.

It was ringing once . . . twice . . .

“Who did you call?” I yelled as I ran after her. “You’re shorter than me.”

She kept jumping wildly and laughed. “I promise this is for your own good. Please don’t hate me.”

I finally snatched the phone from her as a smooth, velvet voice came from the other end of the line.

“Anastasia?”

I looked over at Alina, covered the speaker part of the phone, and mouthed. “I am going to fucking kill you.”

Alina only smiled and stifled her laugh.

I moved away from her and took a deep breath. “Hi, Alex. Sorry, I think I may have dialed you by accident.”

There was a pause on the line, and Alina’s face fell, shooting me a pointed “you really should just tell him” look.

“He has work,” I mouthed to her.

“Oh.” Alex sounded defeated. “Okay, then. Well . . .”

Fuck it. I needed this more than anything, and his words came pouring back to me.

“I’ll always be here for you.”

Why was it so hard for me to accept that people could be there to help me? Why did my ex-husband have to fuck me up so badly that there was nothing else there for me and that I trusted no one. I wanted to experience all these wild and grand things, but I was too scared to even ask for help.

So maybe this was my first opportunity. Maybe this was the universe’s way of saying, “Here you go, try it out because for a long time, you trusted him with everything, and he showed you that if anything, he was always true to his word. He was always there for you, even when you pushed him away.”

“Wait, Alex.” I finally managed to say through a few choked coughs.

“Yeah?”

“Um, what time did you say your press thing was today?”

I still refused to google him, even though I had an urge to last night. Truthfully, I’d deactivated my social media because I was tired of hearing what people were saying about me, both good and bad. It was all so overwhelming, so I did what I did best: I pushed people away.

“I have a couple of interviews later this afternoon.”

My heart sank.

It wasn’t Alex’s fault—none of this was—but it was exhausting trying to do everything on my own.

There were so many days I thought about giving up, about going back to Moscow, where my mom could still help me.

But that same thought was also what kept me here, pushing forward.

I needed to prove to myself that I wasn’t weak, that I could stand on my own and keep moving, no matter what tried to hold me back.

“Oh, okay. No problem?—”

“Why?” he asked hastily. “Is something wrong?”

“I, uh, it’s Damien.”

Shuffling came from his end of the line. “What’s wrong?” His voice was a little more rigid than earlier.

“He has a little fever, so he can’t go to camp, and I took off Monday and...” I scrubbed my hand down my face. “God. This is stupid. I’m sorry I called. Hearing it aloud makes me question myself too. I’m obviously his mother, so I can take care?—”

“I’ll be there. At your apartment. I just... Will you write down what I need to do? This is the first time I’ve ever had to take care of someone.”

“Yeah,” I laughed softly. “Of course.”

“I’m throwing on pants, then I’ll be there. Give me twenty.”

“Okay,” I whispered. “Wait, Alex. What about your interviews?”

“Shit,” he grumbled. “They’re at four today. I can cancel?—”

“No. If he’s feeling better, you could—” I paused, the weight of everything I avoided coming back to me. “You could take him with you, and then I can get off work early so I could be there by like four thirty?”

“I can have one of the guys watch him too.” He paused. “You remember Ledger Cole? The captain? He’ll be there. Oh, wait,” he said excitedly. “Dirks will be there. He’d definitely help you.”

A slow smile spread across my face. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m one-hundred-percent sure. I’ll be there soon.”

“Alright. Thanks again.”

“And Anastasia?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for leaning on me.”