Page 67 of When Ben Loved Jace

I laugh again, relieved that hope is in sight, no matter how distant.

— — —

When do I get to see you again?

I’ve been avoiding Tim. I haven’t seen him since my brushwith infidelity. He stopped by the other day unannounced. I wasn’t home. Allison told him I joined a monastery and that he’ll never see me again. Somehow, I don’t think that will throw him off my trail.

I rise from my bed, carrying my phone with me. I linger by the window, wondering if he’s out there, a silver-eyed shadow standing beneath a tree. I almost want him to be. Jesus… This has to stop. So I answer his text.

You need to move on, Tim.

He calls me immediately. I sigh before answering.

“How am I supposed to do that?” he asks.

“By finding someone else to love. Like I did.”

“Do you love him more than me?”

“That isn’t a fair question!”

“Do you?”

I swallow against the pain, which has so many sources that they’re difficult to pin down. “We can’t keep doing this. I mean it. I still want you in my life. But not if you’re going to constantly chip away at what I have with Jace. We can either be friends, or we can say goodbye.”

The line is silent for so long that I check to make sure we’re still connected.

“I’ll take what I can get,” he says at last, his voice strained.

“Good.”

“So when do I get to see you again? As friends.”

The danger is still there. We’d have to be in public. And ideally with other people around. But not just anyone. I’d want Jace at my side. Maybe a double date?

“Did you get those photos of my friend I sent you?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you think?”

“He’s all right. But he’s not…” Tim sighs. “He’s all right.”

“Would you at least try? For me.”

“Sure,” he says after another lengthy pause. “Talk to you later.”

He hangs up. I’m troubled, but I do feel a little better. I said what I needed to say. Boundaries have been set. I won’t be the one who crosses them. And if he takes one more step over that line… We’re finished.

For real this time.

— ——

“Did you ever lose hope?”

I’m sitting in Eric’s living room, interviewing him for my thesis. Light music plays in the background and wine has been poured. I’ve been drinking mine slowly, but only to maintain my concentration. There’s no threat of losing control around Tim. I made sure to choose the night he’s out on his date with Adrien, so he wouldn’t be here. Although I did entertain the idea of “accidentally” getting lost on the way to the bathroom, so I could find his bedroom and do some snooping. Old habits die hard.

“There were certainly times that I despaired,” Eric says after pursing his lips thoughtfully, “and others when I was a littletoooptimistic.”