Page 123 of When Ben Loved Jace

I meet Tim two days later. I let him choose the place. We don’t text about anything else, because I need to see his face. Not out of fondness. I simply can’t stop thinking about those bruises. I show up at a restaurant downtown, unsure what to expect. Tim is already seated at a table. He stands when noticing me. I get the same impression as the other day. He seems exhausted.

“You look great,” Tim says, his eyes darting to the entrance of the restaurant.

I glance over my shoulder.

“Don’t worry,” he adds hastily. “I parked ten blocks over and left my phone in the car. He’ll never find us here.”

“Uh, you know I’m not going to have an affair with you, right?”

Tim chuckles while looking embarrassed. “Yeah. Sorry. Things are kind of intense right now. It’s good to see you anyway.”

He lifts his arms a little, like he wants a hug but already expects to be rejected, and it’s such a pitiful sight that I give in. While keeping my lower body angled away. He smells like cologne and—

“Have you been smoking?” I ask, pulling back in shock.

Tim swallows and nods. “Bad habit, I know. I’ve been stressed out lately.”

“Andit looks like you got a head start,” I add when sitting at the table. Beer froth sits at the bottom of an otherwise empty glass.

Tim settles in across from me with a guilty expression. “I was nervous about seeing you again.”

“You should be,” I say, getting right to the point. “What the hell was up with those bruises on Ryan’s arms?”

Tim glances skyward and exhales. “I know how bad it looks, but you’ve gotta understand… I don’t know how else to get through to him. He already overdosed once. Which scared us both. I thought things were finally going to change, but I came home the other day and Ryan was smoking—I don’t know—meth maybe? Crack? Is there a difference?”

I stare coldly in response.

Tim withers under my gaze. “So yeah. I flipped out. Just like I did at the theater. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just can’t stand to see—” Tim swallows and shakes his head. “I nearly lost Ryan the first time he overdosed. They had to pump his goddamn stomach! It was terrifying.”

I sigh, some of the tension leaving me. “Go for a jog next time to blow off steam.”

He looks away.

“You do still run, don’t you?”

Tim shakes his head. “Not really.”

“Do you paint?”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out again.

“Maybe you should start from the beginning,” I say, “because I’m not sure I know who you are anymore.”

“Don’t say that!” He reaches across the table for my hand, which I pull away. “If you don’t know me then I really am lost.”

“Is that how you feel?”

Tim doesn’t answer. He’s still staring at my hand. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Jace,” I say, realizing that he’s noticed the wedding ring.

Tim swallows and nods. “Good. I mean, I hate my fucking life. But if it couldn’t be me, I’m glad it was him. At least I didn’t manage to ruin that, like I do everything else.”

How did he fall so far? I don’t understand. The last time we saw each other, Tim was actually in touch with his emotions. Maybe there was still a ways to go, but he’d made real progress. And now he’s dating a junkie while slowly running himself into the ground. Does any of the blame rest on my shoulders? Sure, I left him, but not on his own.

“What does Eric think about all this?”

Tim buries his face in his hands. I expect him to reveal that they’re no longer friends. Until his shoulders begin to shake and I hear a whimper.