Page 136 of When Ben Loved Jace

I can’t sleep.

I chew my bottom lip before sending my reply.

Neither can I.

He doesn’t respond after that, which is more powerful a message than words could have conveyed. I want him. So bad that it’s burning me up from the inside out. I’ve got a boner that won’t quit. I think long and hard about the consequences. Then I slip out of bed, get dressed, and grab my car keys. Samson follows me to the front door, meowing plaintively.

“Everything is going to be okay,” I tell him, slipping outside while wondering if that could possibly be true. I don’t see how. There is no cure for this affliction. What I feel for him is chronic.

I turn up the stereo on the drive over to Tim’s house, wanting to drown out my thoughts. I don’t trust them right now. They’ll want me to deviate from my path, but I can’t. This has already gone too far. There’s no turning back. When I reach my destination, I’m not at all surprised to see Tim sitting on the front stoop, like he’s been waiting for me.

I get out, slowing only to pet Chinchilla when she rushes over to greet me, before closing the distance between caution and overwhelming desire.

Tim takes a swig of the bottle he’s holding. Then he sets it aside and shakes his head. “You shouldn’t be here, Benjamin.”

“You’re right,” I say with a swallow. “That’s why I didn’t wait until tomorrow. I need to be here now, when I feel so weak. Otherwise, I’ll keep convincing myself that I can handle this, when we both know I can’t.”

Tim studies me. Then he sighs. “You’re doing the right thing.”

“It’s not like before. I’m not leaving you.”

“Yeah you are.” He pats the stoop next to him. “Just give me a little longer.”

I sit, leaving enough distance that we won’t touch, even by chance. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I sent that text, didn’t I?”

I swallow. “When I look back on everything, we’ve always been guilty of the same crime. We wanted each other, regardless of all the reasons it couldn’t work. But in those rare moments, when it was just the two of us…”

“In our own private little universe,” Tim says with a nod. “Those were good times. The best of my life. Which is really saying something, because me and Eric, we came real close to that. Almost, but not quite.”

“I’d like you to find someone special again. I don’t want you to be by yourself.”

“Part of me is looking forward to it,” Tim says. “I need to figure out who I am when I’m on my own.” He leans forward to rub Chinchilla’s head affectionately. “Besides, I won’t be completely alone.”

“What are you going to do? I want to be able to imagine your life. I hated not knowing. It was torture.”

“Yeah. Same here.” He exhales and shrugs. “I’m not sure what’s next. Some travelling, maybe. Down to Mexico to see my grandma. And then…” Tim’s handsome face becomes introspective. “I started painting again. Maybe I can turn that into something.”

“You can. I know you will. I’m going to start looking every time we pass a gallery or go to a museum.”

“Don’t hold your breath,” he says dismissively. Then he considers me with transparent longing. “I wish I’d gotten to paint you again.”

“I wish a lot of things,” I reply, leaning against him.

He shifts and wraps an arm around me. “I really do love you, Benjamin.”

“I know.” My voice warbles. “I love you too.”

I let myself indulge in the warmth of his body once more before forcing myself to stand. Tim doesn’t do the same, and I’m grateful, because this is already difficult enough. The opportunity to be wrapped in his arms completely would rob me of the strength to leave. I walk a few paces away before turning to face him.

Tim’s smile is tinged with sorrow, his silver eyes wavering. “Until next time?”

I swallow against rising tears before nodding. “Yeah. Until next time.”

ChapterThirty-three

“Are you excited?”