Page 52 of When Ben Loved Jace

I agree and follow him outside to the pool I caught a glimpse of earlier. We plop down on deck chairs, enjoying the mild weather, while Chinchilla sniffs her way across the yard.

“It’s so quiet out here,” I murmur. “And you can see way more stars.”

Tim doesn’t respond. When I look at him, his brow is furrowed up again, as if he’s lost in thought. I still have so many questions. Like why he moved in with Eric. How come he doesn’t live at the frat house anymore? And most of all…

“What happened between you and Travis?”

Tim returns to the present and shakes his head. “I don’t want to think about him right now. I’d rather talk about us.”

“Tim…” I say warningly.

“Not like that.” He gestures over his shoulder at the house. “Every time I hear that story about Michael, I get so pissed.”

“Hey, he’s the one who should be upset. Eric is a great guy.”

“Damn right he is, but that’s not what I mean. I get mad atmyself.” He thumps his chest. “I should have stood up for you—for what we had—instead of letting fear get in the way. That song you sang at the talent show? You were right. I was a coward.”

I feel a surge of guilt. “I know it probably seemed like I was trying to hurt you, but that wasn’t it. I needed you to know how hurt I was. If that makes sense.”

Tim looks over at me and swallows. “I’m sorry, Benjamin. For all the shit I put you through. Keeping you a secret from my friends, making you duck down when we drove past Krista’s house, taking her to prom…” He grimaces. “Remember when I tried to make up for it?”

I nod. “When you made a little prom just for us at your studio. That was…” Sweet. Until it wasn’t. He doesn’t need me to voice these thoughts. He must see it all on my face, because he swings his legs around to face me completely, a hand reaching out, but I can’t take it. Although I do shift to see him better.

“You wanna know what happened that night?” he asks, running his fingers through his hair as if anxious. “You wanna hear the biggest joke of all? After I kicked you out and fuckingshovedyou—” His voice cracks on the word. “I swear I didn’t mean to. Not like that. I was just so freaked out that the security guard would call my dad and that it would ruin the plan to move here and everything we had together. I was blinded by that. It’s all I could see, and I didn’t think you’d understand or I’d have time to explain, so I just wanted you to get out of there. After you were gone, my stupid ass went back inside to tear the rest of the decorations down, so there wouldn’t be any evidence, and guess what? The security guard comes in and says that he heard back from his supervisor or whatever and that there’s a note in the file explaining that I’m allowed to be there.”

I finally suck in air, surprised that I was holding my breath.Probably because it was one of the most painful moments of my life. “So what happened?”

“Nothing,” Tim croaks. “He never called my dad. Nobody ever found out. If I had just stood my ground, instead of being a goddamn coward… If I had made you my priority, like I should have…” He shrugs. “Maybe we’d still be together now.”

I swallow, my throat tight as I wipe away a tear that’s trying to break free. He notices and stands.

“I’m sorry, Benjamin,” he says, reaching for me. When he takes my hands I don’t resist, even when he pulls me into his arms, which constrict around my body. “I fucked up.”

I can’t get any words out, barely able to keep my emotions in check. Thank goodness for Chinchilla, who notices us and starts yapping while hopping around our feet.

Tim finally lets go of me. “She always does that,” he says apologetically.

I smile, wanting to show him it’s okay. That includes everything, I guess. Even the past. There’s so much to process. I never imagined this moment. Not in all the fantasies I had about him over the years. In those, I usually came crawling back on his terms. I never thought he would want me just as much.

“We could take Chinchilla for a walk,” Tim suggests. “That usually calms her down.”

I shake my head, already turning away. “I better get home. Allison is probably waiting up for me.”

If the past week is anything to go by, she’s more likely to be drunk and watching old musicals, but I’m willing to use her as an excuse because I need to breathe. That’s the only way I can describe it.

“Cool,” Tim says. “Hey! Now that I know we’re on the same campus, we should grab lunch sometime.”

I nod, because that sounds manageable. When we’re alone together under a night sky like we so often used to be, it feels… I don’t know. Tempting. I thank Eric for his hospitality before leaving and insist on seeing myself out. I start to head back to my apartment before I take a sudden turn and drive instead to Jace’s trailer. Once I’m in his bed, Samson purring in my arms, only then do I feel safe from all the things I’m afraid to admit that I want.

Chapter Twelve

I assumed, when Tim suggested that we grab lunch sometime, that it might happen next week. Not even twenty-four hours goes by before he texts me again.

I’ve got class today. Do you? Let’s grab a bite to eat.

I agree, the idea seeming harmless enough. I’m less certain when he picks me up from one of my classes and we walk through the hallways together, because this never happened before. Not when we were in high school. I always wanted it to, so I feel a little guilty, as if I’m indulging in an old fantasy. Then again, guys walk next to each other all the time. It’s not like we’re holding hands. I look down at one of his, remembering how good they used to feel on my body. Although there’s something different about the fingers. I can’t figure out what. It’s still nagging me when Tim notices my stare.

“Are you checking out my package?” he teases.