Page 26

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

W hen Maeve’s hairdresser, who was able to get me in the next morning, turns the chair, I’m in awe of the girl looking back at me. I look like I did before I took off. My long hair is in gentle waves down to my shoulders. She added layers so that my hair frames my face in all the right ways. The strawberry tint of my blond hair is breathtaking, and if I’m honest, I missed having my hair this color. One thing is for sure, though, I can’t help but notice that the red in my hair matches the ongoing flush on my face.

“Not with Arwen.”

That man.

How dare he give me more of a reason to think of sex with him? That insanely frustrating, gorgeous, sexy, and mind-blowing man. I have thought about his words, about what he meant, since he walked out of my room this morning with nothing but a kiss to Arwen’s head and a wink to me. All night, I tossed and turned, and all I did was rile myself up to the point that I want to run off and have mommy and daddy time.

Without Arwen.

Which is so bad.

I don’t get it. I’ve had no contact with him for over three years, so why do I still feel so deeply for him? Why do I still want him more than my next breath, even though I feel like I’m still a bit broken from everything that happened? Why was I getting off to thoughts of his mouth on me, his eyes burning deep into mine as he plowed into me? What is wrong with me?

But even I can’t deny that so much has changed. He isn’t flying off the handle anymore; he actually thinks before he speaks. He takes my well-being into account, and I can’t help but think after everything he’s said, he regrets what he did. That he is sorry. He forgave me for keeping Arwen from him… Shouldn’t I forgive him? I don’t know how, though. My heart still aches at the reminder of the humiliation. I put myself out there for him, and he made me feel like I wasn’t worth his time or his love.

“So much better,” Ingrid signs and says, and I smile brightly at her. I don’t miss the way the hairdresser beside us smirks, almost holding back a laugh. I hate when people do that. Ingrid is brilliant, stunning, and people still have the audacity to laugh at her voice. It makes me irate, and I flash the hairdresser a dark look that has her looking away.

Bitch.

Ingrid is none the wiser, or maybe she does know but doesn’t care. She doesn’t allow anyone to hold her back from using her voice, and I respect that. I’m proud of that.

I stop her before we get to the front and sign, “I’m proud of the woman you’ve become.”

She beams, squeezing my hand. “I’m proud of you too. You’re an incredible mom.”

Emotion clogs my throat as I gaze into her eyes. Before I can even utter an apology, she waves me off. “Don’t apologize.”

She flashes me a wide grin before we make our way to the front to pay. My parents insisted on giving me bank cards and credit cards, even though I didn’t want them. I have money saved, and it isn’t like I have rent to pay right now. I can hold us over until I figure out what we’re doing. I really need to sit down with Thatcher, but it makes me nervous to do so. I’m pretty sure he’ll want to get a house together, and I don’t know if I can handle that.

Having only a door between us has me on edge.

Once we’re in one of my mom’s BMWs that she has announced is mine now, I start the car as Ingrid says, “Our moms are heading back to the house with Arwen. Loads of stuff was purchased.”

I roll my eyes. “I’m not surprised,” I say loudly and as clearly as I can since my hands are occupied. “She is going to be spoiled beyond belief.”

“Oh, for sure,” Ingrid says, snickering. “Like I told Thatcher, we have time to make up for.”

I don’t put the car into drive. Instead, I turn to look at her so I can sign and speak at the same time. “Are you mad at me for keeping her away?”

She shakes her head, turning her body so we can face each other the best we can. “No. I’m sad I missed out on time with her, but I’m just glad you and Arwen are safe and home. Thatcher must have done something pretty bad for you to run off like that.”

I press my lips together. “I told you not to blame him for it.”

“I didn’t listen,” she says with a shrug. “I’m hard of hearing.”

I scoff, rolling my eyes. “Such a jackass.”

She beams, but then it turns to a grimace. “He chased off my best friend, my world. How would I not be upset with him?”

“He’s your brother.”

“And you’re my sister.”

My nose burns with tears as I hold her gaze. “I never expected to be gone as long as I was. When I found out I was pregnant, things just went upside down for me.”

Ingrid’s eyes are intent on mine as she says, “You’re home. That’s all that matters.”

I reach over, holding her hand. “Don’t be mad at Thatcher, please.”

She glances down at our hands, squeezing mine before she looks up. “Have you forgiven him?”

I shake my head. “Not yet.”

Shit…did I really say that? Do I intend to forgive him?

“I will when you do.”

“Ingrid,” I say on a sigh. “He’s your brother.”

“Who messed up very badly,” she says with conviction in her gaze. “You have always been in his corner, always loved him, and for him to hurt you like that, I need him to sweat and try hard to get back in your good graces.”

I shake my head. “You’re ruthless.”

She shrugs. “I’m loyal.”

That’s the damn truth. I exhale heavily. “He’s chipping away at my walls.”

“Yeah, he’s always been able to do that.”

“I know,” I agree. “And I knew seeing him as a dad would make me fall for him all over again.”

Her eyes search mine. “Would that be so bad?”

I swallow, my heart picking up in speed. “It is when I’m not sure I can trust him not to hurt me again.” I look down at where we are still holding hands. When I remember she needs to see my lips, I look up to her waiting gaze. “Right now, he wants to be in Arwen’s life, and in doing so, he needs me.”

“Or…he’s hopelessly in love with you and wants you because of that.” She gives me a look. “You two have always sucked at communication. And you both can hear and speak just fine, so it’s a whole lot of frustrating.”

I gawk at her. “What? We communicate!”

“No. You dance around together but never pass the surface level. You’ve been in love with each other since we were kids, yet you guys play this best friend game. It’s pathetic. Just talk, figure out what you both want, and make it happen.”

I blink at her honesty. She’s not wrong. We have been together but not together for years. It was insane, but it was our normal. I don’t want to fall back into that. Into a situation where we are just Arwen’s parents, when we could be more.

Shit, do I want more?

“It’s so complicated.”

“Because you guys are making it so,” she throws back at me. “Sit down and talk.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why not? You can talk about everything under the sun, but God forbid you have to talk about what you’re feeling. It’s silly. More than three years you spent apart because you couldn’t tell each other how you feel? How you make each other feel?”

I can’t help but think what if what he said three years ago was how he really felt.

But what if he is only being nice to me now because of Arwen?

It’s just so overwhelming, and I don’t know if I’m able to put myself out there again for him to ruin.

But what if I’m holding myself back from what I’ve always wanted?