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CHAPTER NINE

B efore I can answer Thatcher—though, really, I have no clue what I want to say—my phone rings. I answer and feel his gaze on me as I explain to the doctor what is going on. He has been Arwen’s doctor since she was born. He’s a good man and cares for my daughter, but I think I may be more knowledgeable about her condition than he is. The reality of that fact causes me to miss Ingrid something fierce. He says he’ll send in a prescription for some antibiotics, but he also suggests the tympanostomy surgery for her once more. As always, I decline. When Ingrid was younger and this happened to her, they changed her ear gear, and everything got better.

I need a specialist, but I don’t have health insurance here.

I thank him for the antibiotics before I hang up. I feel Thatcher’s gaze on me, but I don’t want to admit what we both know. That I’m failing as a mother. Tears burn my eyes as I search for nearby specialists for hard-of-hearing children who are self-pay, trying to ignore Thatcher.

I need a plan.

Something to pacify him.

“What did he say?”

I swallow. “He sent in antibiotics and suggested tympanostomy surgery.”

Before I look up, he’s shaking his head. “It’s not a draining issue. This ear gear is cheap.”

He tosses the gear to me to make his point, and I snatch it up, placing it up by Arwen’s head. I know if I utter a word, I’ll start crying or screaming at him, so I ignore him as I search the web for information.

“What is her hearing percentage?”

I press my lips together. “Forty-three percent.”

I feel his scrutinizing gaze. “Is her doctor a specialist?”

“No, they don’t have them here. I have to go to Richmond, and I’m on the waitlist to get in.”

A growl rattles his chest as he tugs his phone out of his pocket. He gets up, walking over to where my desk is. He sits down, and I watch as he opens my computer. It’s not password-protected since no one is ever in my room. His brows pull in before he looks back at me. “You’re going back to school?”

I see the online schooling platform up on the screen. I had a paper due last night and forgot to log off. Not that it’s a secret, but shyly, I answer, “Yes, I’m getting my master's.”

He rolls his eyes. “While you work at a fucking diner and raise my daughter. Alone.” He sneers the last word as he shakes his head, his annoyance getting the best of him. “Fucking frustrating is what you’re getting your master’s in,” he mutters under his breath as he starts to type while holding his phone at his shoulder.

“I heard that.”

“Didn’t mean for you not to,” he snarks back, glaring at me. He thinks I’m frustrating?

“Your face is frustrating.”

“Back atcha.”

My phone sounds, and I look down. “Arwen’s meds are ready. I’m going to run down and ask Ruby to go get them.”

He whips his head around to me. “Let me call you back,” he says to whoever he is speaking to. “Do you have a car?”

I swallow hard. “I do.”

“Give me the keys and the address. I’ll go get them.” I hesitate as he stands, tucking his phone into his pocket. “Do I need her insurance card?”

I open my drawer and pull out my keys to give myself time to think of the best way to answer that. As he comes to stand beside me, he holds out his hand, and I drop the keys into it. “You take a left out of the diner, and it’s the pharmacy in the Walmart.”

He hikes a brow. “There is a Walmart here?”

I shoot him a deadpan expression. “Yes, and it’s self-pay.”

His eyes burn into mine. “Self-pay? You don’t have insurance for her?”

“No,” I answer, meeting his gaze. “I pay out of pocket.”

“Why isn’t she on state insurance or something?”

“Because I didn’t want anyone to find me.”

His eyes burn, his face turning red as he breathes heavily. He turns and leaves without another word. Once the door shuts, I try to see through my tears as I search for a different specialist. Why didn’t he yell? When will he lose his temper and let me have it? Why didn’t I recognize how badly I was failing until he showed up? Damn it. When I find a specialist in North Carolina, I push past my fear of re-entering the Carolinas and make an appointment for this week. Just as I set down my phone to check on Arwen, the door opens and Ruby sticks her head in.

I give her a watery grin, and her shoulders fall. “Oh dear. I saw him leaving. Did it go belly-up?”

I shake my head as she comes in and sits where he was sitting when he was stroking Arwen’s back. Her kind blue eyes hold mine as she waits for me to answer. My heart is in my throat. “He went to get Arwen’s antibiotics.”

“Oh, so he’s coming back?”

“Yeah, though, I don’t know what is going to happen.” I wipe away a tear, hating how much I’ve cried since he showed up. I don’t even know how to feel at this moment. I have missed him, but also, he makes me feel like I’m a poor excuse for a mother.

My feelings are the epitome of “It’s complicated.”

“He wants me to go back home with him. Says he refuses to be an absentee father.”

“I didn’t realize he didn’t know.”

The guilt is suffocating me. “Neither do my parents.”

Her brows shoot to her hairline, her eyes searching mine. “They’re alive?”

We never spoke about my parents or my life before I came to the diner. Just that I was pregnant and needed somewhere to go. Ruby didn’t ask questions; she just loved me. “Yeah, and I’m sure they’re out of their minds with worry about me.”

“Oh, Maria?—”

“I know,” I admit, shaking my head. “But I took off because he made me feel like I was nothing. If the one person I loved more than anything thought so little of me, no telling what everyone else thought.”

I also had anxiety about my family or his or Ingrid finding out what had happened at the rink. How he’d spoken to me, what he’d called me. I didn’t want them to know or even assume that of me.

“Who cares what he thought?” she asks, but I press my lips together.

“I did. I wanted to be his world, and I wasn’t good enough.” I take a deep breath, running my fingers along Arwen’s chunky ankle. “I needed a reset, and after a month, I thought I had one. I wasn’t going to let him decide who I was. I’d show him I’m more. But as I was driving home, I got so sick and threw up on the side of the road. I ran to the Walmart and took a pregnancy test in the bathroom. I was pregnant by the man I loved but who thought I was the biggest whore in the world. I had stopped here to think, and you were so kind, when I knew everyone at home wouldn’t be. I would have to fight the father of my child to get him to accept my pregnancy. Our families are so close, and I felt like sides would be taken. He’d hurt me so badly that, when you offered, I stayed.”

Ruby’s solemn expression makes me feel worse, and I look away, my chest aching. She clutches my chin in her fingers and forces me to look at her. “You need to go home.”

Her statement surprises me. “What?”

Her eyes burn with tears. “If my daughter were alive and did what you’ve done, I would have done anything to get her back. A mom shouldn’t be without her daughter. How would you feel if Arwen ran away from you—over a boy?”

Just the thought brings me such pain, I can’t draw in my next breath. I glance down at Arwen, and I know I’d be a shell of a woman without her. Is that how my mom feels? My dad?

Emotion burns my throat as I look back at Ruby.

“Damn,” I wheeze, pressing the heel of my hand into my chest. “Went for the jugular.”

“You know I don’t play.”

“You don’t understand,” I try to defend. “Our families are so close.”

“But you’re their baby,” she stresses, her eyes pleading with mine. “Go home.”

“They’re going to be so mad,” I say, choking on a sob. “I leave and stay gone for more than three years, and then show up with my daughter that I share with their best friends’ son? They’re going to rip me apart.”

“And you deserve it.”

“Ruby!” I gasp, but she shrugs, the picture of an honest woman.

“Tell me I’m wrong, but we know I’m not. You took off and left them to fear and worry for you. You deserve a good tongue-lashing, but Maria, it wouldn’t be for long. You’ll be home. They’ll have you back, and they get Arwen, to boot.” She squeezes my hand, and I look up, our gazes locking. “I bet if you called them right now, they’d come get you as fast as possible.” My heart clenches. I know they would.

I sniff, trying to hold back my emotions as I meet her gaze.

“And you’re wrong for keeping that baby from her daddy. I’m not trying to scare you, but that’s a whole different issue. The way he looks at you? At her? Jeez, Maria, you’ve dug yourself a mighty big hole. But he’s ready to dig you on out.”

“He broke my heart.”

She holds my gaze. “Tell me this, Maria. Do you feel good that you made him pay for that by keeping his little girl from him? By keeping Arwen from her dad?”

No, I don’t feel good about any of it. All I feel is pain, but it wasn’t my intention to hurt him, not like he hurt me. I was terrified and didn’t want to have to convince him that Arwen was his. I mean, he knew from the jump when he saw her, but it would have been different if I’d come home pregnant. It would have been embarrassing, him saying she wasn’t his, asking for a test. It would have been such a strain on our families, and it’s all still so much.

All I know is I feel more lost now than I did when I left.

Unable to vocalize that, I whisper, “My name is Audrina. Maria is my middle name.”

Ruby doesn’t even react; she only holds my hand tighter. “I don’t care what your name is. I only care about the woman before me. She is strong, she is resilient, and she is a damn good mother. You have given in to your fear for way too long. Feel it—but fight it, my love. Because you, Audrina Maria, are meant for more than this place, and so is Arwen. Go home.”

Before I can agree or make up another excuse, the door opens and Thatcher comes barreling in. He’s holding a pharmacy bag, but also a little Bluey plush. “Okay, so—” His words cut off when he sees I’m not alone. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” He swallows hard, his shoulders falling as he walks toward me, handing me the bag.

Ruby stands, tucking her hands in her pockets. “Not at all. I need to apologize. I didn’t introduce myself downstairs. My name is Ruby.”

Thatcher holds out his hand. “Thatcher Orlov.” She takes it, and he gives her a weak but charming smile. “Thank you for taking care of my girls.”

Ruby looks back at me with a knowing look. I want to yell I’m not his, but this is already messy. He’s trying to be civil, so I need to do the same. “Hey, Audrina, I could use your help downstairs.”

I stand at that, but then I point to Arwen. “I can’t leave her here by herself.”

Ruby throws her thumb toward Thatcher. “Her daddy is here. He can watch over her.”

Before I can answer or even look at Thatcher, Arwen whines as she sits up. She looks around the room, her face still a bit flushed but not too bad.

Coming out of her slumber, her wide brown eyes focused only on me, she signs, Mommy, my ears hurt.

I know, my love, I sign back, sitting beside her. Can I give you some medicine to help?

I look up to find Thatcher handing me a syringe with the right dosage. He just jumps in, not that I expected anything less from him. I look back at my daughter as she gazes up at Thatcher. Even through the haze of a lingering fever, she knows who is before her.

My chest goes tight, and I know I did the right thing, making sure she knew who he was as she grew. I showed her endless amounts of pictures and told her everything about him. The only thing I didn’t do was give her a chance to meet him.

A fact I’ll need to live with for the rest of my life.

She looks back at me, her brows pulled in tightly before she opens her mouth for me. After giving her the meds, I hand her a juice cup. I rub my knuckles along her cheek before I look up at Ruby. “I’m coming.”

“Great. We’re slammed for some reason on a Monday afternoon.”

I send her a small smile as she turns to leave. I look back at my daughter and sign, Do you know who this is?

Arwen looks up at him, and a little grin comes over her mouth. Is it really my daddy?

Thatcher lets out a pained grunt, and I know I can’t look at him. When her eyes shift to me, I nod. Yes .

She blinks a few times and then asks, Will he leave again?

Another pained grunt comes from him before he sits beside me, causing me to move over since I refuse to touch him again. Last time, I almost gave in to my need for him, and I have to keep my eyes on the prize here.

But then he signs effortlessly, I’ll never leave you again.

And I know I’m not only protecting my heart but Arwen’s too.