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CHAPTER TEN

I ’ll never leave you again, I tell my daughter.

Learning sign language was hard, and I swear the frustration was real, but being able to say those five words to Arwen makes all of it worth it.

Especially when her little face lights up.

I know what I said is a promise I’ll never break.

“Don’t promise her that.” I look over to find Audrina shaking her head before she meets my gaze. “Even if we were to come home, you’re a professional hockey player. You have to leave her.”

“That’s different. It’s my job,” I tell her. “I’ll never leave her again.”

“She doesn’t understand that.”

“Then I’ll quit,” I say simply, and I believe the words I say with total confidence. Audrina, on the other hand, gasps, her eyes going wide as I glance back down at my sweet girl. “I have to make up for the time I lost.” I chuck her under her chin, and Arwen beams at me.

“You aren’t quitting hockey,” Audrina mutters, rolling her eyes.

“And I’m never leaving my daughter again.”

Or you. But we all know she’s not ready to hear that.

As if she can hear the real meaning behind my words, Audrina swallows hard and shakes her head once more. She taps Arwen’s leg, and when she has her attention, she signs, I need to go help downstairs. Are you hungry?

Yes. Pancake, please.

How about you and Daddy come down and get some while I work?

“I’d rather stay up here so she’s comfortable. Her fever is still a little high,” I protest, and I know she knows I’m right. Just as I’m right about the damn ear wear. But I have a plan. She’s not going to like it, but I don’t give two shits. I’m done with this game. She can hate me all she wants, but my daughter will be cared for by the best.

Then I’ll work my magic on getting Audrina where I want her.

Only took twentysomething years and her playing a song on her phone, but I’m not scared anymore.

I know she loves me.

I just have to remind her how much.

Right now, though, she still doesn’t like me much. With a stank look on her face, she snaps, “I want to be able to see her.”

“I can look after her.”

“I don’t know that,” she counters, and when her gaze sets on mine, I see the same expression from so long ago. She’s terrified. “You’ve been a dad for ten minutes. You don’t know what she needs.”

“I need to learn,” I insist. “I would never do anything to hurt her.” I expect her to scoff at me or throw a jab, but she does neither, only chews on her lip. I don’t want to push, but I find myself reassuring her. “We’ll be fine. If we need you, we’ll come down.”

She tucks a stray piece of hair behind Arwen’s ear and then taps her cheek to get Arwen’s attention once more. Be good? And no ears, okay?

Knowing she calls her ear gear ears like Ingrid does sends warmth through my body. Audrina may have run from us, but she didn’t leave us behind. We’ve stayed in her heart and, now, in Arwen’s. I can’t ignore what that means—that she never meant to stay away from us, that she has missed us, but she didn’t know how to come back.

Well, that’s about to change.

Okay, Mommy.

And if you need me, tell him, okay?

I love how Arwen looks at Audrina. I can tell they’re very close, and I ignore the voice in my head that says I don’t belong, because I do. These two are my girls, and I refuse to accept any other outcome. Arwen nods, and then Audrina is moving from the bed. Before she can walk away, though, I take ahold of her wrist. “Hurry back. We need to talk.”

She pulls her hand free then nods. “I won’t be long.”

Before she leaves, she asks if Arwen needs to go potty, but she declines. She explains that Arwen has expressed interest in the potty but hasn’t tried it. That’s when I notice the little Bluey toilet seat in the bathroom. Audrina shows me where the juice is for Arwen’s cup and then hands me the remote. I don’t use it when she leaves. I throw it on the side table and then find Arwen watching me.

You don’t have ears?

I smile before I sign back. Not cool ones like yours, just boring ones.

She giggles, the sound so damn innocent it has my heart aching in my chest. Her hands move so efficiently, and I can’t help but think my kid is a genius as she signs to me. My aunt and grandpa have ears like mine.

I inhale sharply as I nod. Yes, I know. That’s my sister and my dad.

She nods quickly. Yes. Come.

Arwen gets off the bed with no issues and takes off for the little desk area next to Audrina’s desk. Before, I was looking around like this place was the shit on my shoes. It was wrong of me, because even though it’s small, Audrina has made it a home for my daughter. She really did the best she could. But Arwen can have more. So much more. I push aside my emotions and follow my little girl to a small table. There are shelves full of sign language toys and resources, loads of art stuff and coloring books. Arwen pulls out the chair and then taps it for me. I’m six-three, over two hundred pounds. There is no way I can sit in this tiny chair without snapping it. I point to the floor. I’ll sit on the floor.

She shrugs and sits down, grabbing a little purple book. She opens it, and the first thing I see is a photo of Audrina and me at an IceCats winter party. I’m in a tux, while Audrina has on a sparkly silver dress that hugs her frame and shows off all the amazing freckles along her shoulders and neck. Her hair is down in waves of strawberry-blond, her bright hazel eyes shining as she leans into me. We look like a couple, which everyone always thought we were. Looking at how she’s leaning on me and how I’m looking at her like the greatest present under the tree, I guess I didn’t hide my feelings well enough.

Not that she ever noticed.

I loved you at the time.

I don’t believe that she doesn’t still love me. Even if it’s only as family, the love is there. I can build on it. I will make her mine. None the wiser to my internal monologue, Arwen points to a picture of me and then to me. Daddy . She points to Audrina. Mommy . Then she turns the page, and the next picture is of Anya and William. Baba and Dede , she signs and then does the same thing for a photo of my parents on the following page. Between my mom and dad is Ingrid, and the grin that takes over Arwen’s face leaves me breathless. This is my aunt. She is very smart and very pretty.

My girl is so damn smart, so wordy, and I am utterly entranced by her. Audrina has done so damn well with her. It kills me that I missed it all.

Tears burn in my eyes as I slowly agree. She loves you—very much.

Arwen beams, her grin taking up her whole face. Does she? I wish I could talk to her.

I don’t know what Audrina has told her about where we are. Did she say we were on a trip? Was I working? I have so many questions and absolutely no answers. As long as I get her home, I’ll be fine. Everything will fall into place once I get my girls home.

Oh yes, she does , I sign, moving a curl out of her eye. I look on the desk and find where Audrina leaves her hair ties. She did the same in her old office. Instead of using a pen cup for pens, she used it to hold hair ties. Before I do what I intend, I ask Arwen if I can. She nods eagerly, and I gather her hair up in a little ponytail on top of her head. Her eyes are so bright as they look up at me.

How are your ears? I ask, and she shrugs.

They still hurt.

Yeah, I don’t like my kid hurting. I think my ears are starting to hurt. It’s all in my head, I know, but damn it, my kid shouldn’t be sick. Ignoring that frustration with her mother, I sign cheerily, I think I know how to cheer you up.

Her eyes sparkle. I swear it. No one could ever tell me any different. How?

Would you like to call your aunt? I find myself asking. I don’t know if it’s a good idea, but my gut tells me it is. Arwen starts to bounce, signing Yes , and I know I have to. I clear my throat and exhale as I open my FaceTime app, and to my surprise, Arwen drops herself into my lap. She leans back against my chest, and I can’t move. She’s drawn to me, just as I am to her. Her little hands come up to wrap around my forearms in such a sweet embrace. I’m hardly breathing as I look down to see she is watching what I am doing on my phone. A slow grin moves across my face, my first real smile, and I find that I feel whole again.

I have no clue what is about to happen, how I am going to make everything work out, but when Arwen looks at me with such hope in her brown eyes, I know I’ll die trying.

Ingrid answers on the third ring, signing a hello as she looks at me expectantly. I haven’t called her much since Audrina left, but I know as much as she thinks she doesn’t want to speak to me, she will. I make sure she can see my mouth and try to sign with one hand as I ask, “Where are you?”

My sister’s voice isn’t articulated, a soft tenor to it, and sometimes it’s hard to understand. That doesn’t stop her, though. She signs and talks to make sure her point gets across. “In the courtyard of school. I’m on break. Where is Audrina?”

“She’s working.”

“Working?” she asks, confused. “Where? Are you coming home with her?”

I shake my head. “I need to show you someone.”

“Someone?” she asks, her brown eyes guarded as her brows knit. “Who?”

“You can’t tell anyone.”

Her furrow deepens. “What? Why?”

“Promise.”

“I promise,” she says, exasperated. “Is she coming home?”

Since I’m unable to answer that, I slowly lower the phone and watch as Ingrid takes in the smiling toddler in my lap. Her eyes widen, her lips part, and then she covers her mouth. Arwen doesn’t understand, but that doesn’t stop her from quickly signing, Aunt Ingrid! I’m Arwen!

When she does jazz hands, I let out a sound between a sob and a chuckle.

“Aunt?” Ingrid asks, her eyes filling with tears. “Thatcher?” A tear rolls down her cheek, and it pains me almost as much as Arwen having a fever. Her hands shake as she signs to me, “She’s yours?”

“This is your niece,” I say, and then I drop my lips to the top of Arwen’s little head. She looks up at me, grinning, and I can’t look away.

I don’t want to look away.

Ever again.