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CHAPTER FIFTEEN

A rwen is Audrina made over.

She may look just like me, but that girl is her mommy. She sat like such a big girl, her little nose up in the air and her eyes trained on Audrina and me as the specialist looked in her ears. No tears in sight. She sat through the scans and was the bravest almost-three-year-old I’ve ever seen. Not that I’ve seen or been around many, but mine is the best if anyone asks. It wasn’t until they poured the casting crap into her ears that she actually let go of some tears. There may not be an us in Audrina’s head, but together, we whispered and signed sweet words of encouragement to help our daughter through the pain. I wiped her eyes, and I smiled when she looked at me, even when all I wanted to do was take her place.

I love her. So deeply, it hurts.

I run my fingers along the apples of her cheeks, and she leans her head into mine. I kiss her temple and sign, You did so well.

Thanks, Daddy. My ears hurt.

I know, malyshonuk . I’m sorry.

Before Arwen can answer me back, Audrina mutters, “That’s how you sign it.”

I look over to where she sits beside us on the little bench seat. Her hair is up in a ponytail, the waves cascading down a shoulder. She’s wearing an oversized brown sweater, but her jeans might as well be painted on. When she answered the door this morning to the hotel room I got her and Arwen, I was in awe, but when she walked away to get Arwen, I almost cried out for mercy. Her jeans are tight, holding those sweet thighs in place, and I swear her ass is about to bust the seams. My mouth is dry just knowing how tight they are. I’d thought sleeping in a different room from her and Arwen was difficult, but nothing compares to being so close I could touch her but knowing I can’t.

This day is stressful enough without me trying to make moves on her.

The drive to South Carolina was easy. Arwen isn’t a fan of traveling, especially without her ears. She could get our attention by calling out, but her words are jumbled and messy, so Audrina had to turn in her seat to sign for me and to tell me what Arwen said. And boy, did my girl have a lot to say. She asked me everything from How much longer will it be until we’re there , to When are we eating next . As a foodie, I was down to eat whenever she asked. Because of the mutual love for food in the car, it took a bit longer to get to South Carolina. I didn’t mind, though. While it was tense between us, Audrina and I fell into effortless conversation about Arwen.

She told me about the pregnancy. Apparently it was very easy, the worst part being the last three weeks because of how she carried Arwen and the back pain it caused. I wanted to tell her I wished I could have been there, but there is no point in wishing for something that can’t be changed. Instead, I asked questions. Her cravings: chicken nuggets with sweet-and-sour sauce, dipped into an Oreo McFlurry.

As a self-proclaimed foodie…what the fuck?

Ignoring her disgusting craving, I asked when she heard Arwen’s first heartbeat: her second appointment. When she decided on a name: the day Arwen was born because Lord of the Rings was playing in her delivery room, per her request. The birth was quick, only two hours. When I asked how she did it, she told me she had no choice, but holding Arwen made it all worth it. I couldn’t agree more. Malyshonuk has a way of rooting herself in your heart and not letting go. I asked if Audrina cried when she found out that Arwen couldn’t hear, and she shook her head.

“No. I cried because she was every bit of you, and you didn’t know.”

Her admission hit me in the gut, and we rode in silence for over an hour as I played the what-if game. If I hadn’t been a jealous asshole, if I had just explained I was scared that I wasn’t enough, or even popped some meds and taken a fucking nap because I was acting like a tired toddler. So many things I could have done differently, but none of them are doing me any good now. By the time we stopped for food, though, I accepted that I couldn’t change the past. But the future?

It’s mine for the taking.

Once my girls were fed, I started asking more questions. Arwen crawled at seven months and started walking at a year. She was signing at eight months, though, just easy stuff, but the pride on Audrina’s face had me chomping at the bit for more information. I asked when she signed her first sentence and learned that she was almost one. I’m not sure that “a blue dog” is a full sentence, but Audrina looked so pleased I didn’t argue with her. I love how proud of our daughter she is. How she hasn’t forgotten one memory of Arwen’s life.

But selfishly, I want more.

Of her.

“What did you do?”

She shrugs, messing with the wrapper of a Skittles package. “Worked, and then I started getting my master’s.”

“And when you weren’t doing that?”

She side-eyes me. “Taking care of Arwen.”

We had pulled up to the doctor’s office before I could ask more. However, I doubted I’d actually come out and ask if she met someone in the last three and a half years. If anyone meant something to her like I had. Who am I kidding? I’d be a damn fool to think she didn’t. She’s absolutely stunning and works in a damn diner full of horny men and truckers. I lost her; she could do what she wanted, which, surprisingly, makes me a bit stabby.

When she came around the Range Rover I rented with Arwen on her hip, her eyes intently on our girl, I know she wouldn’t have. She’s devoted to our daughter, and when would she have the time? The overly possessive fucker inside me growls in the hope that I’m right.

But what if I’m not?

Now, as I stare into her eyes, totally blanking on what she just said, I wish I knew. Maybe I could just ask.

“Thatcher?” she asks, and I blink past the haze of anger at the thought of someone else touching her, being a dad to Arwen.

“What?” I ask gruffly since my mind is back in my caveman mode, where I want to kidnap her and take her back to my lair to remind her how great we are together on my bearskin rug.

Honestly, the girl doesn’t even like me right now, so why I’m trying to get her on my metaphorical bearskin rug is pointless.

I have to get her to like me again.

Unless she wants to have some dirty hate sex.

I have issues.

Her eyes narrow. “What is wrong with you? You look distracted.”

If only she knew. I chuckle softly, shaking my head. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“ Malyshonuk in sign. I had forgotten how to do it, and I was sad for a long time since it’s what my mom calls me. I wanted to call her that.”

My heart warms. “Now you can.”

She rubs Arwen’s bare ankle, but her eyes stay on mine. They’re more brown than green today, and I can’t stop staring into her eyes. How her thick lashes draw me in, and how her lips capture me in such a tight hold. Her voice is low as she says, “I can. Thank you.”

As much as I want to close the distance between us and devour her mouth, I have to know.

“Have you had a relationship since you left?”

She jerks her head back, side-eyeing me as her face flushes. “What?”

“Pretty cut-and-dried question,” I say softly, feigning nonchalance. “Just wondering who’s been around Arwen.”

She doesn’t look at me, but I can see the disgust on her face. “Absolutely no one.”

I will myself not to jump to conclusions as I ask, “And has anyone been around you?”

She tips her chin up, slightly tilting her head so our eyes kinda lock. It’s like she wants to look at me, but she doesn’t want me to see the truth in her eyes. Or on her face. “Why?”

“Just wondering.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.”

“I don’t know why.”

“Because I don’t want anyone else touching you.”

Now she looks at me, her cheeks bright red as her gaze locks with mine. Her eyes are full of challenge, confusion, defiance, and I’m obsessed with them. I know how this girl looks when she comes. That isn’t something I’ve forgotten. I don’t want anyone seeing that but me, and my soul prays no one has. It’d be a good payback and I’d deserve it, but fuck, I hope she hasn’t.

Her jaw tightens before she sighs deeply. Her mouth opens as her eyes search mine, but before she can answer, the door opens to Dr. Welsomire, our specialist. Fuck me sideways. Audriana’s head whips to our doctor, and I slouch against the wall as Arwen snuggles deeper into my chest. Dr. Welsomire is older, but she’s not like one of those old doctors who are set in their ways. She has continued to learn all the best methods and is at the top of her field. Ingrid wouldn’t be where she is today if it weren’t for Dr. Welsomire. I think she’s the reason that Ingrid is going to school. To become just like her.

Fuck, I can’t wait for her to meet Arwen.

She leans in, tickling Arwen’s cute toes, and my girl lets out a shrill little giggle before cuddling deeper into me. “Everything looks on track. I’d like to get her in speech therapy once we get her new ear gear in. She is so prolific in sign, but she is very behind in speech. With the new ear gear, I am hoping she’ll be able to hear more and be able to learn more words. She’s a smart little cookie.” I grin with pride. Dr. Welsomire just confirmed that my kid is a genius. “As I said, this new ear gear will take some getting used to because it’ll weigh a bit more than the last set. But it will also be a better-fitted set. So, while it’ll be heavier, it’ll be easier on her ears, which I hope relieves the pressure that has been causing the infections.”

I nod in agreement as Audrina asks, “How is the infection?”

“Unfortunately, not as cleared up as I’d like. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to change her antibiotics. She’s been on the other one for three days?” Audrina agrees, and Dr. Welsomire makes a face. “Yeah, everything was so red before we even went in to poke around, so let’s change them. Use pain meds as needed.” Then she looks at Arwen, wiggling her big toe. When Arwen grins and giggles, Dr. Welsomire signs to her, It’s been so nice to meet you. I hope to see you soon.

Arwen signs back a goodbye, and Dr. Welsomire looks up at me. “She’s a gorgeous girl. Smart, to boot. I’m glad to be able to treat her.”

“We had to come to the best,” I tell her, and she beams at that. Before we left on our road trip home, I told Audrina I’d gotten us in with Dr. Welsomire, and she immediately canceled that appointment she’d made in North Carolina.

“Always such a sweet boy.” She taps my cheek, then Audrina’s. “I always knew you two would end up together.”

I grin at her before reaching for Arwen’s little jeans and sweater that match Audrina’s. When the door shuts, Audrina says under her breath, “You were quick to correct everyone before. Why not now?”

My grin grows as I look up at her while she wrestles with Arwen’s boot. “I sense a bit of anger.”

“None at all,” she says, flashing me a smile with all her teeth. “Just an observation.”

I replace her hands with mine, forcing Arwen’s boot on while I hold Audrina’s gaze. “Can’t correct the truth. We did end up together, and she’s the prize for that.”

Her eyes narrow, her nose turning red along with her neck. Her hands are shaking as she gathers Arwen’s Bluey backpack. I take hold of Audrina’s wrist, and she looks over to me expectantly. “How do you feel this went?”

She shrugs. “Wonderful. Dr. Welsomire is incredible.”

“Okay. Then why are you being snippy?”

I think only I know she’s chewing the inside of her lip. It’s a nervous tic she’s had since we were kids. She swallows before she asks, “Are you mad?”

“Mad? About you being with someone? Have you?”

Her brow crash together. “Oh my God, let it go, Thatty. We aren’t discussing that.” Her eyes are narrowed, annoyance filling her features. “I mean that she hasn’t been getting this kind of care.”

We are going to be discussing relationships, just not right now. I swallow down my irritation at the fact that I think she has been with someone, and I shrug. “Frustrated, but not mad. You didn’t have the resources you have now.”

“Yes, because?—”

I wave her off. “I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to go in circles. We got the care that Arwen needs.”

“We did.”

“And all I wanted to know is if you’re happy with how it went.”

“I am,” she answers, and slowly, her jaw relaxes. “I just feel like I have to be on the defensive with you.”

I squeeze her wrist. “I understand, but don’t feel like that. I don’t want to work against you. I want to work with you.”

Tears gather in her eyes and she tries to blink them away, but one escapes. I let go of her wrist, brushing it away and relishing her intake of breath. Our eyes stay locked as she whispers, “I’m sorry I hid her from you.”

My chest burns as I draw in a deep breath. I feel like I’m underwater and she’s the oxygen I need. Unable to resist her, I wrap my hand around her neck and jerk her to me. As much as I want to crush my lips to hers—and by the look in her eyes, I think she thinks I might—I surprise us both by pressing my lips to her cheek. She trembles beneath my lips, and my eyes fall shut as my heart thumps hard against the walls of my chest. “I understand why, and I forgive you.”

She takes in a trembling breath before I pull away to meet her wary gaze.

I squeeze her neck reassuringly, knowing there is nothing else to say.

My eyes are saying it all.

I love you. So fucking much, Audrina.